Washington State
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“ Washington? Isn't that the state where all those flannel wearing dirty hippies live? ”
~ Rush Limbaugh on I'm the Greatest Person Ever
“ Feel the rhythm with your hands ”
~ Jesus Christ Cornell on Advice for aspiring spoonmen
Washington State, or "Rheinland," as it is known to its inhabitants, is home to many creatures, not limited to the yuppie, Teh Metal, and the dead possum. The yuppie's natural habitat is the main streets of the city of Seattle, which is also known to contain the second largest Awesome musician population in the entire United Steaks, surpassed only by San Francisco. It has been determined that Washington is the only state in the union that smells like Pennyroyal tea. As a result, the entire population is made up of pig eaters.
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[edit] Starbucks
To those who live outside the state, it is best identified by the brownish swill drank by the majority of its residents. Led by The guy behind you that runs away when you turn around, Starbucks was created as an organization to provide the power for screaming political liberals who are obsessed with green (also known as Screaming Trees) to take over the USA. Some say that drinking Starbucks causes a Malfunkshun of the mind, resulting in ultra-intelligent supermen capable of thought control(i.e. Jeremy spoke iiin claaaas todaaaaay), who can then cause men in the box to vote in favor of anti-American policies and cause people to hate George W. Bush.
[edit] Mt. Rainier
That tall white thing. Governor Edward (Curly-haired mushmouth)Vedder resides and makes sacrifices on Mt. Rainier. A few years ago he made a Blackholesun helicopter fall out of the sky while trying to loudly recall the Fable of Jeremy to his mountain goat companions. It killed a few hikers, but there are still about eight million hikers in the state of Washington according to the 2004 census.
[edit] Washington Government
The capitol of Washington is located in the city of Buzzoville. The state is led by the benevolent king Buzzo, an insane Night Goat whose sole purpose is to make money and enslave humanity. As of April of 2007, Buzzo (also known as Billy Fish) has forced all humans to leave their homes and start new lives in (A) Senile Animal County. This was done to make room for more Night Goats to begin living in the rest of the state, so they can code new versions of awesomeness.
[edit] CITY OF DUVALL...DOES IT EXIST?
[edit] Seattle's East Side - Bellevue, Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland
On the eastern shore of Lake Boeing (formerly Lake Jar of Flies) resides the independent Kingdom of the East Side. Kirkland is the capitol with Bellevue (sorta turned into Everett in 2028 after the Bellevue Square Mall closed) and Mercer Island as the outlying areas. The East Side is the only place in the state that has not been overtaken by dictator Bill Gates. In the Paul Allen vs. Microsoft War of 2021 Paul Allen, the Seahawks and whatever the fuck else he owns were driven across the lake to Seattle's east side. In a defiant last stand, Paul Allen stole the Space Needle and brought it to Kirkland. This damaged Seattle by taking it off those quirky little tourist maps that show shit like the St. Louis Arch and the Statue of the French Feeling Guilty so Here's a Present.
The hover bridges (which replaced the 520 and I-90 floating bridges in 2017 when Boeing declared itself the Washington State Department of Transportation) were ordered to be destroyed immediately by dictator Bill Gates. This cut off the East Side from Seattle's trendy co-ops. So Paul searched high and low for an even more trendy version of a co-op. This came in the form of a Whole Foods market. Unfortunately, the side affect to the extreme trendyness was the prices and it soon shot the East Side into the economic recession of 2024. Paul quickly found a solution by farming students at the University of Washington which applied for ivy league status in 2010.
Today the East Side is a near utopia. Tax breaks are given for those who buy houses in housing developments where houses start at 1.5 million for a view of a Fred Meyers and 1.8 million for a view of a boutique shopping mall. Tax breaks are also given to those who drive their kids to soccer or lacrosse practice (football and baseball not being nearly trendy enough) in a Lexus or Infiniti. In the year 2063, people started moving away from the East Side to Issaquah because the socialist regime of the band MODEST MOUSE promised a new Starbucks superstore. This resulted in the severe depopulation of the East Side.
Paul (now half cyborg) launched an invasion of Issaquah. Issaquah fell quickly but Modest Mouse's imperial guard fled to the shitty ski area known as Snoqualmie Pass. There an epic battle took place, but luckily Paul ordered his pet lake monster to kill shit and they won. With the victory of the Issaquah Salmon Days War as it later became known, the East Side annexed Issaquah and Snoqualmie pass. Today the East Side is extremely peace-loving and still a near utopian society. Unfortunately, today Bill Gates the fifth is still upholding the embargo on the east side JFK-style. Therefore, no other Washingtonians will be able to see this wonderful society.
[edit] The Renton "S" Curves
The Renton "S" Curves its where the party is at every Tuesday at 3:30 am to 3:30 pm, you may have to fight for turf with local street racing 14 year olds. The attire for each night changes check in with WSDOT for the appropriate dress code. Local folk lore says that if you get too wasted at the "S" Curves you might end up in Federal Way with Chief Big Cloud.
[edit] Grays Harbor County
Grays Harbor county is well known for being one of the happiest regions in the hemisphere. Initially abandoned by the indigenous tribes due to the intense vortex of all habitable surroundings, they sold the region to the whites for a sum totaling in several billions of dollars. The white man in his superior happiness-cultivating skill reformed the area from a pristine but savage rain forest into several industrious and civilized logging mills, meth labs and other per capita income lowering institutions.
The town currently undergoing the most growth and urban renewal is the town of Aberdeen, home of child star Kurt Cobain. The city council of Aberdeen recently revised their vote mandating the official count of teeth required to achieve 'sexy bitch status' be a maximum total of six, causing uproar among the neighboring towns. Westport has threatened a class action lawsuit and Montesano is currently considering sending in the national guard to quell an uprising from Aberdeen, fearing Aberdeen will soon attempt to steal the coveted position of county seat from them.
[edit] Island County
Island County Consists of Whidbey Island, Camano Island, and Vancouver Island. The county is known for its unusually high population of Wookiees particularly on Whidbey Island where one Wookiee is believed to reside. The county government is constantly struggling with local drug lords who wish to sell meth, and Coke to every one and want Pepsi outlawed. In order to maintain control of these criminals the county has increased control of the spaceship industry. Rumor even has it that they are now employing a certain Italian Mafia sect to help them maintain their control on the county.
Along with its trouble in the interior Island County is currently attempting to form an alliance with Eurclasia to take over the islands of San Juan County. Thus increasing its total production levels and allowing it world wide acclaim with what would be the greatest spaceship building industry.
A large majority of this said industry is currently being completed on Vancouver Island. This island once part of the Noble Canadian Empire (NCE) is now under Island County control after a short war. This war was started by a large rebellion by the citizens of Vancouver. The Island County Commissioner McDowell quickly and swiftly struck severing the Noble Canadian Empire's supply lines and with use of the U.S. naval air station on Whidbey Island their communications as well. Thus the NCE lost control of Vancouver and Island County held a firm control over it for several years before allowing it to truly join the county
[edit] Tacoma
Tacoma was founded in the 1880's, simply because it happen to be the end of a railroad. As a result of this, the city was largely settled by hobos and hookers. After a few decades of enduring the horribly high brain-stunting pollution levels, most of the citizens who weren't retarded left. Shortly there after Tacoma was revered as the state's most popular dumpsite, causing it to rival only Paris in stench. In recent years it has been said that the "Tacoma Aroma" not only smells like a mixture of burning rubber and Mexican body odor, but can cause advanced cases of colon cancer and rabies. This wasteland also has the largest cranes in western North America, primarly used for importing the vast amount of garbage it recieves from China. Never, under any condition, should one visit this city, for a crazed union of smelly bums and unscrupulous women tend to sodomize trespassers on sight. If you happen to find yourself in or around the area of Tacoma, please contact 1-800-HOW-TO-COPE-WITH-DEATH and have a nice chat before you expire painfully.
