Wasp

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Wasps,or "stripey bastards" (as they are formally labelled), are an insect closely related to the common house fly. Well, fairly closely related. Actually, maybe about as closely related as you are to your third-cousin-twice-removed's neighbour's milkman's thirtieth love-child. So not quite related closely enough to share toothbrushes, but related to flies nonetheless.

Wasps are well known for being spawns of Satan, like Furbys, and that guy you met at the pub. A simple but popular defition of wasp is any member of the Aculeate family Vepidae, but a far more accurate definition would be a "shower of bastards". Wasps are unique in the sense that they do not have to actually eat to produce energy, as they get all of their energy from the depths of hell, which they are in constant communication with. In between flying around looking for people to sting and stinging people they also construct basic nests out of pulp, where they live a strange almost cultish existence( for example their all guys except for the one chick who they all bang). They only leave their nests to sting people or, failing that , stinging inanimate objects as practise for the real thing.

[edit] Origin

Wasps are believed to have originated when a load of flies — swarming around a dog turd one summer afternoon, as they do — got narked off with people hitting them with rolled up magazines, and decided to plot a way to take spectacular revenge on mankind womankind mankind womankind mankind womankind mankind womankind...

(We apologise for the brief interruption to this article while we resolve this little argument. Now let's see — these particular flies had been subject to particularly vicious attacks by humans armed not with copies of Weight Loss Weekly but with Trainspotter's Monthly, so I think it's fair to say they were taking revenge on mankind.)

Okay, now where was I? Right, yes, there was this swarm of flies plotting how to take revenge on mankind. Anyway, one of them is really clever, like, and gets this idea called Evolution out of some book called Origin of The Faeces.

"That's it", they all buzzed excitedly, "we need to use evolution to turn ourselves into vicious nasty insects that can attack mankind".

"What sort of things can we do with evolution?" they asked the clever one.

"Well, we can change our appearance, get ourselves camouflaged and stuff."

The particular dog turd they happened to be swarming around was in the middle of a zebra crossing, so they decided that the best camouflage would be to turn themselves stripy. It was a great camouflage. Well, almost... Everything seemed to be going nicely to plan until one of them suddenly realised that they had evolved black and yellow stripes, but the zebra crossing was black and white. They all buzzed furiously, knowing that it had taken them 100000000 generations of fly evolution to get this far, and there was a growing consensus that any fly that didn't like the colour scheme was going to have to damn well lump it, because they couldn't be arsed to change it now. Then the clever fly remarked, "Hey, no worries. They have black and yellow zebra crossings in Switzerland. Black and yellow will be OK, we'll go and annoy the Swiss, and steal their chocolate." A heated discussion ensued about whether cuckoo clocks could eat flies, but they finally all agreed that black and yellow stripes would do just fine. All except the bald-faced hornets, that is.

With that sorted, they then turned their attention to evolving some nasty weapon to attack people with. They all agreed that it would be Poetic Justice to evolve some kind of giant newspaper or magazine to hit people with, and after another 45222342 generations they managed to evolve the Giant Magazine-Wielding Fly. But when it came to actually producing the giant magazine, such a big argument flared up about which scantily dressed celebrity was going to appear on the cover that they had to abandon the plan entirely, and come up with a different weapon instead. After briefly considering WMDs, but rejecting that for fear of being attacked by a crazed Dubya-monkey, they finally decided that the best weapon to evolve would be a sting — and the rest, as they say, is history.

So, there is now no serious disagreement among scientists as to how wasps came into existence, and anyone who thinks differently is a communist conspiracy theorist and an infidel. The one remaining unsolved problem has been where the name "Wasp" came from. But recently, a team of Linguistic-ology-ology-ologists from Harvard concluded after intense study that said insects were meant to be called "Wathpth", but the first person to name them didn't have a lisp, so had to call them "Wasps" instead.

[edit] What is the point of wasps?

This is an age old question and one which, sadly , may never be answered although waspiologists wasp studiers wasp men scientists are constantly trying to realise what this may be. One theory is that they are bees gone wrong, and that originally bees would create honey and wasps would create a sugar-free alternative but something went wrong along the way. However the problem with this theory is that wasps actually do create a kind of chutney/jam substance although it's for personal use and they rarely choose to distribute it.

A popular theory amongst Christians is that wasps are the unholy guardians of hell. However this theory has been mainly been rejected by the scientific community as it's stating the complete fucking obvious.

They are some who claim that wasps have an important niche in our ecosystem: for example eating other pests such as caterpillars as well as pollination. It should be noted though that the people who say this are liars, bad people and probably in league with the wasps.

[edit] How to kill a wasp

“The only pleasure in life greater than seeing a dead wasp is knowing you killed the bastard yourself.”

~ Oscar Wilde on killing wasps

“In Soviet Russia wasp swat YOU!!.”

~ Russian reversal on wasps

In the feild of wasps there is nothing nothing more important than knowing how to kill them.

Swatting them with rolled-up newspaper is now very passé. If you want to move with the times, here's the accepted technique for dewaspifying your home.

1. Put a glass over the wasp
2. Slide a piece of card underneath
3. Carry the wasp (trapped between card and glass) to the nearest microwave oven
4. Recite several verses from the Karma Sutra
5. Nuke the wasp mercilessly
6. Attack the striped bastards with an electric fly swatter and fry them till they are crisp
7. Serve with garlic and chives.

Ha, ha, that'll teach them.

[edit] Note

A wasp in an empty cigar tube makes a highly effective and inexpensive sex toy. Wasps are also the exact opposite of Michael Stipe.