Wristwatch
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“You know what you can do with that watch? Shove it up yer arse”
~ Alex DeLarge on Wristwacthes.
“So I hid it.....in my ass!”
~ Christopher Walken on Wristwatches
“I've always associated time-pieces with people's bottoms, strange really, I can never understand why”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wristwatches
Wrist watches (RIST WA CHEZ) are some of the most extraordinary items ever to come out of the cosmos. The hands are moved by little trolls inside. They power them by perpetually turning a crank. Stupid as they are, they believe if they keep doing this they will get vacation time; however, this has yet to happen.
These clock-trolls (clocktoris trollialis) are rather disgusting looking as they are of a pea soup green color and have no eyes that we yet know of.
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[edit] Digital Wrist Watches
Digital Wrist Watches are in opposition to popular opinion, although they are run by a thing called a battery. Batteries are, however, little metal cells that hold Norse-speaking wizards against their will.
These wizards have been put out to serve hard time and are shrunk down to a very small size, much like a certain brain belonging to George Bush, to power the watch. Actually, all of the bits of wire are there to throw people off. The wizard uses a spell to flash the time up on the screen only to take them off, change them, and put them back on. The more skilled the wizard, the more numbers that appear. Very skilled wizards are put inside stopwatches.
Many young students have been known to claim they are great and powerful magicians who can free these wizards in exchange for answers on standardized tests. Thus, some administrators have begun to ban digital watches on said tests (others are afraid these students are really powerful wizards themselves, these suspected wizards are found dead days later. Presumably because they can't speak Norse).
Contrary to common belief, the numbers are not always displayed. When not looking at the watch, the numbers are not there because the wizard is resting.
Releasing a wizard is dangerous because they are known to start laughter riots with their tasteless, stupid, and generally not very funny jokes.
[edit] Dual Sided Wristwatches
These have a face on both sides. They can be digital or regular. These are very useful, because you can't put them on upside down, because there are two faces. You can still put it on inside out, then it won't help. They can also be used in a lightsaber duel, but are prone to shorting out right before you turn them on.
[edit] Wrap Around Watches
These wristwatches are made with a special, retarded wizard. He likes to stretch out the numbers, but he doesn't have the space needed using a regular watch. So they made the Wrap Around Watch. This is like a wristband and wraps all the way around your arm. Unfortunately the time is stretched out so much, that you have to turn it at a very high speed to actually understand what time it is.
[edit] Unfortunate accidents
Sometimes the wizard gets mad from all the turning, and squeezes the watch so hard that your hand falls off. There has been only 1/2 of an accident ever reported. Supposedly, Oprah had one, and was trying to harness the power of the retarded wizard, but failed and had her arm squeezed off, but it was replaced by a North Dakota fried chicken wing. This event is still under investigation and we cannot be sure whether it actually happened or not. Satan has refused to comment on the subject.
[edit] Kinds of Digital Wristwatches
[edit] Regular
Just your average, run of the mill, Digital Wristwatch. It contains only one battery with a single wizard inside. There really isn't anything special about it.
[edit] Digital Wristwatch With a Clock
This one has a digital readout, and a regular little clock with hands and a stupid little troll inside as well as a battery. It is a good idea to not let these two interact with each other. The last time that happened the wizard turned the troll into a massive monster. This monster was often mistaken for Kanye West and was famous for his quote "George Bush doesn't care about trolls, batteries, wizards, and everyhting else. I bet George Bush doesn't care about George Bush." This also where his co-host said "That's not true baby, yeah!!!"
[edit] Digital Wristwatch With a Stopwatch
This little doozy has a very smart wizard in its battery. Not only is he able to tell the time, he can also be a stopwatch. Some of them even have an alarm to wake you up with. Of course, this alarm sounds like the wailing of a thousand tortured souls, being burned in the pits of the underworld. You can also set it to nails screeching on chalk, and assorted dying animals.
[edit] Coffee Making Wristwatch
This one has not been invented yet, BUT, when it is, the wizard inside will not only tell time, but it will be a stopwatch, alarm, and best of all, it will make you coffee. unfortunately it will be a "wizard size" cup of coffee, which contains relitavly 5 drops. We have also heard that a toast making wristwatch is being developed, but it may be rather bulky, and many cases of accidental burning from the prototype have been reported.
[edit] Cell phone
The is a wristwatch that lets you call your mom. You can also play Tetris, take photographs, and suck on the antenna instead of smoking a cigarette. The cell phone attaches to the wrist with electrical tape. Your mom not included.
[edit] Famous Users
Famous people that have worn watches include Elvis, Bugs Bunny, PeeWee Herman, Jesus; and the band abba.
