Watchmen
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Watchmen is the greatest fucking piece of fiction ever created, (Despite misinformation circulating claiming the Bible as such.) Alan Moore and drawn by Rolf Harris. Published in 1991 it has won numerous awards from the international Hentai appreciation society, and is currently the number one choice of masturbatory material among sweaty (possibly homosexual) overweight comic fanboys.
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[edit] Origin
According to a recent interview with Moore, the original inspiration for Watchmen came from the doodles scratched into the desk at Moore's primary school in Ramsbottom, England by the occupant of the desk during the previous year. Moore spent the rest of his education dreaming up scenarios in which the crude characters he'd seen doodled into his desk explored the physical and moral limits of their world.
On leaving school aged 16, Moore found work as a coal miner and spent the better part of a decade deep underground and covered in soot. This unpleasant period left Moore looking like a homeless man until this day as his hair and beard grew so wild no scissors could cut them. In 1984 Margaret Thatcher's humanitarian crusade to close down all coal mines in the UK finally succeeded. Moore and several thousand other unfortunate captives were liberated, and given the opportunity to explore the possibilities of life above ground.
Unused to the light and fresh air Moore suffered repeated sunburn and withdrawal symptoms from the lack of carbon particles in the air. A complete mental breakdown was the inevitable result, and Moore was eventually committed to Broadmoor mental institution. He was confined to a padded cell and fed a concoction of drugs including powerful anti-psychotics and horse tranquilisers. Helped, in part, by thinking up stories around the characters from his juvenile day dreams, he began the long slow climb back to sanity.
Sadly, the many years of captivity underground had stunted his imagination and he was only able to write stories that involved a tedious mixture of moralising, cod-philosophy and other pseudo-intellectual drivel mixed in with numerous cliches cribbed from popular culture. Although irredeemably awful and reminiscent of a first year philosophy student's hamfisted attempts to impress women, the rambling nonsense somehow came to the attention of gifted artist Rolf Harris during one of his frantic bi-polar phases. Harris, judgment seriously impaired, signed a contract to add artwork to the childish scribblings and the Watchmen comic book was born.
The comic's success naturally led to the spin-off, Watchmen Babies, which profiled the adventures of the Watchmen when they were little boys.
[edit] Plot synopsis
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Buffy dies twice, Brad and Jessie become zombies, your rival has already beaten the Elite Four, the introduction actually takes place after Joel Barish gets Clementine Kruczynski erased from his mind, Ben elopes with Mrs. Robinson's daughter during her wedding, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Watchmen is set in an alternate history in which Abraham Lincoln grew extraordinarily obese eating toffee apples; the mobile phone was invented in 1863 and the British Empire still controls 11/13ths of the world's population.
In this bizarre setting, six ageing superheroes come out of retirement to investigate a series of murders:
- Ink Blot
- Dandy Lion
- The Faggot
- Chubby Phil
- Hypochondriac Man
- Doctor R0xx0r
- Chainsaw-cock Mcgee MIII
Old associates from the glorious crimefighting days are being eliminated and the only chance to discover the perpetrator is by reassuming their superhero identities. It turns out to be a clever man who lives in the North Pole what done it. Then he sends a giant octopus to New York with the intention that the Americans fry it and offer it as a peace offering to the Spanish, whose bulls are massing on the Mexican border.
[edit] References
- Derek Jarman (1997). Comics and homoeroticism. Lithper Press. ISBN 2859830226.
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1995). The Uberman. Fighting Fascist Fantasy Publishing. ISBN 2242430226.
- Frank Miller (1991). Why I like to draw heavily-muscled men. HarperCollins. ISBN 10876234.
[edit] See also
