Water
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This article is about the universal problem creator. For other uses, see Fire.
“I need me a bitch that pussy smell like water”
~ Plies on Water
“Save Water.. Drink Beer!”
~ Al Gore on Yeah!
“Don't drink it - fish fuck in it.”
~ Expert Water Guy on Water
“In Soviet Russia, WATER DRINKS YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Water
Water (AKA H20 Dihydrogen Monoxide) is quite possibly the world's nastiest substance, with oxygen and AIDS coming in second and third respectively. Chemical name is Dihydrogen Monoxide, as can be seen from the Periodic Table. After all, H20 is composed of two atoms of Hydrogen and only one atom of Oxygen: see also Dihydrogen monoxide. Thus, water is almost twice as tasty as the Oxygen channel. Do not allow skin, ShrinkyDinks, homework or children to come into contact with water. If you do, someone will crash through your roof and kick you in the face. Odorless and invisible, water is impossible to detect without a divining rod. Symptoms of water abuse may include burbling, gargling, drowning, and/or a cool refreshed feeling. Lord Byron used it to swim. But then again, he was a bit of a nutter.
The creation of water is somewhat of a magical thing. When you take two hoses (represented as symbol "H") and add it to a circular shaped object (represented as symbol "O") you get H2O. Behold, water is made!
Water is corrosive, even more so with salt and oxygen dissolved in it. (also, when a naked chick is in your shower and you see her it makes your youhoo grow!).
The French word for water is Evian, "naive" spelled backwards. According to statistics, almost seven-to-five percent of the Earth's surface is made of water. This is believed to be due to the strong lobby of the water industry.
In recent news, Georgia is on a total water ban. As of now there is a two day water supply. Atlanta, GA only has a minutes-worth water supply. Please use water sparingly.
Global Warming- Most scientists have attributed the abrupt rise in the average temperature of the earth since the 19th century to an increase in atmospheric CO2 concentration due to human consumption of fossil fuels. This is incorrect. CO2 has two minor absorption bands in the infrared. Water has 30 absorption bands and a much higher concentration in the atmosphere. Global warming is due to the water produced by combustion, not carbon dioxide. As the earth temperature rises, more and more water is in the vapor state where it absorbs infrared radiation and is 1000 times more important than C02 as a greenhouse gas. Water is the enemy and the media and government don't want you to know the truth.
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[edit] Sea Water
Sea water consists of 15% oxygen, 60% emancipation, 99.999% whale sperm, 0.35% cesium, 3% fish pee, 1% sulphuric acid, 100% garbage and a whopping 300% naked mermaids. As such, it is the only known substance that only adds up to 79.35%. Because of its high oxygen content, sea water is actually breathable. This is strange, because cesium explodes in water. Cesium in water has led to the inventions of many inventions, such as the Chicken McNugget. Sea water is also the main ingredient for Fusion bombs. Small quantities of sea water have reportedly been smuggled inland to fuel so-called underground "Jazz/Fusion" clubs. These clubs radiate highly stimulating X-rays; many of the underground's finest engineers have taken their nicknames from these rays (see: Ray Charles).
[edit] The Invention of Water
"My cousin tried to make me drink that crap when I was little."
~ Oscar Wilde on Water
Water is a substance invented in 1987 by John Bucholz and Rob Herrick, disgruntled supermarket employees, who were looking for a way to make women's breasts more visible through T-shirts. It works on any type of shirt, but is most effective on white shirts over bra-less breasts. It has also been adapted for use in riot control and drowning unwanted kittens.
In 1994 the patent for water was acquired by Microsoft. The improved version, Water98, has yet to be released, despite being thirteen point six years overdue. The next major downgrade of the OS-oid will be H3O. Since Microsoft's acquisition of the patent, water has become less user-friendly, and more often than not, just won't work at all. The impact has been felt by those traveling through the desert with ample supplies, who later find water unable to satisfy thirsts.
In reaction Apple has released a competing product, iBeer, which is far more reliable and refreshing and is known to improve a driver's drinking skills. iBeer is known to be far more effective at seeing women's' breasts by aiding in the fluid and simple removal of all feminine garments, which is considered far more appealing than what the Microsoft equivalent offers. iBeer is, unfortunately, only found in 10% of bars. iBeer comes in ugly white plastic cans like everything else Apple makes.
Also, when water was just invented, it was made famous by the Asian actor cum martial arts master, Bruce Lee. In every of Lee's movies, he would use his thumb to quickly flick his nose and scream, "Wa-taah!". This is apparently a move to reinforce his machoness, but deeper research reveals that Bruce Lee was a water addict, and whenever during filming, he would have an uncontrollable urge to gulp down a gallon of water. As his movies and catch-phrase spread around the globe, people were subconsciously told of the existence of water. Also, Lee's catch-phrase sent subliminal messages for them to get hold of water and drink it. Therefore, unknowingly, Lee had helped spread the existence and uses of water to the entire world.
[edit] Disproving Water's Existence
Unfortunately despite Water's seemingly prevalent nature it was conclusively proven not to exist by Malcolm Grope, a Taxi driver from Norwich, England via the rigorous application of Latin. Formulating the hypotheses that water only existed in labs in Europe he applied the vigorous scientific formula of empirical testing, long words and pub conversations to prove his theory. His proof was so unequivocal that he had a certificate and spent his years around Norwich explaining this proof to his passengers. As with all true innovators he was a man before his time and it is only recently that the world has woken up to his amazing scientific discovery:
[edit] The Dangers of Water
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Water is WET!
Despite its tastiness, water - which should never be ingested due to the fact that fish have intercourse while suspended in it - is also most certainly deadly if misunderstood. For instance, water is used by diseases unable to afford taxes or public transport to get around. One example would be Cholera (The Lazy Bastard Disease). Water also actively drowns people. The Greeks decided there are four elements; Earth, Wind, Fire and Water. No one buries themselves alive and expects to live, no one jumps in and emerses them selves in flame or lets themselves be swept up in a tornado. However, people will willingly and openly immerse themselves in water, knowing full well the risks. A sure sign that a water induced death is rapidly approaching is the allergic reaction that all people have to being submersed in the liquid for a significant period of time. Skin starts to wrinkle and sometimes turn a paler shade of its previous healthy coloring. Nothing wants it.
Another danger of water: some people have killed themselves trying to add a heaped teaspoon of water to their recipe.
And people drown in it. Puppies drown in water, too. Do you want to drink something that kills puppies?
[edit] Bathwater
In most instances bathwater is a tasty and refreshing treat, though at temperatures below 77 degrees Fahrenheit, you may notice an aftertaste reminiscent of Jujubes or gingivitis.
Bath water (Pb2H3O5) is a sophisticated compound designed to induce a clean feeling. After bathing in this water, you will feel drowsiness, dizziness, dehydration, unclean, wrinkled skin, high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, smelliness, lose consciousness, go into a coma, and ultimately DEATH. To avoid this, bathe in normal water (H2O) and pretend to take a bath. DO NOT AT ANY COST BATHE IN BATH WATER! TAKE A SHOWER! AND EAT LOTS OF CHEESE!
Contact with water can be fatal to robots and is a possible cause of lymph nodes
SEE THIS CLIP OF HOW CAN WATER BE ADANGEROUS WEAPON IN THE YELLOW LATEX ---- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnwTuUO9ptk
"simply awsome,i hope i'll get one of this..."-Georgy Bushy
Save water... Bathe with your neighbour's daughter.
... Bill Clinton on water.
[edit] Conclusion
Despite its abundant usefulness and overall palatability, water is perhaps the most devious and deadly substance in the world. Chinese philosophy strongly associates water with death, the Water Dragon governing the passage of the dead to the underworld. American mythology agrees: the most famous murder in history, the shower scene in Psycho, involved large amounts of water, the rushing sound of which masked the murderer's approach.
Water is not to be taken lightly. The widely unpopular metric system even states that one cubic centimeter of water is one milliliter and weighs one gram. Our most basic science appears to be built around the weight, magnitude, and overwhelming size of water.
Water is one of the most dangerous substances known to man, for many reasons. Inhaling or consuming in large amounts leads to painful death. It is used in Rocket fuel, so its a fact that water helped kill thousands of Asians in world war II. It supports maneating creatures such as sharks and halibut, and mAkes Dr. Schol's Gellin pads soggy. It is extremely addictive, for if you start drinking water, the effects of quitting this dangerous drug includes overwhelming thirst and inevitable death. Congress recently passed a bill banning water, but to no avail, for water has become such a common drug, it is found in every hosuehold in America, and is normally consumed daily by the entire earths population. Be warned.
Global Warming is caused by water-
M concentration due to human consumption of fossil fuels. This is incorrect. CO2 has two minor absorption bands in the infrared. Water has 30 absorption bands and a much higher concentration in the atmosphere. Global warming is due to the water produced by combustion, not carbon dioxide. As the earth temperature rises, more and more water is in the vapor state where it absorbs infrared radiation and is 1000 times more important than C02 as a greenhouse gas. Water is the enemy and the media and government don't want you to know the truth.
[edit] Boiling water
Water boils at 800,000,001 degress. In fact, the only known time somebody acctually boiled water was in 1985 when somebody was pissing about with an atom bomb. It was awesome dude! Water can be used as acid to destroy aliens as demonstrated by Mel Gibsons Brother in that movie. You know, the one with the corn field and stuff.
[edit] Freezing point
By definition, pure water won't freeze at all, the only reason we get ice is because water as we know it has the ability to travel at the speed of light. When water travels to some year in star wars, yahoo the hut uses a device to pack it in some stonish thing. It then automatically travels back in time creating a paradox which results in its see-through visible solid form. Because of this it also manages to float and expand. In 2004, the Society for Water Consciousness in spoiled kids, created a television advertisement which advertised the freezing point of water to be -284.7°C (the temperature at which Captain Obvious will die).
[edit] Quotes
“When I was young, we had no tap water; in fact, water had not even been invented yet, even as a concept. If me and the other kids in the neighborhood got thirsty, we would have to manually collect hydrogen and oxygen particles with a butterfly-net. Then we would have to awkwardly stroll all the way to the particle accelerator on the other side of the city and manually combine two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom into a H²O molecule. It would take up to 5 days to fill up one single bucket of water, since most of the hydrogen and oxygen particles slipped through the butterfly-net. People are just so damn SPOILED today...”
~ Grandpa's Stories on water
“Water makes my brain swell.”
~ Hydrocephalus, a greek philosopher
“Damn! his stuff is wet!”
~ Captain Obvious on water
“We absolutelly hated it!”
~ Fish of the Caspian Sea as quoted in Moscow Times
[edit] External links
[edit] See also
- Dihydrogen monoxide
- Periodic Table
- Hot Fog
- Popcorn
- Poland Springs
- Ariantide
- {global warming}
- Hydroponics
| ∞ Ba | 2 He | ||||||||||
| 1 L | 2 Be | 3 Br | 4 C | 5 Nu | 6 O | 7 F | 8 Ne | 9 Ci | 10 Je | -1 Po |
| Hemispheres of the Earth |
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| Southern Hemisphere • Western Hemisphere • Eastern Hemisphere • Land hemisphere • Water hemisphere • Splintern Hemisphere |
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