Water intoxication
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- WARNING: Water intoxication has been scientifically proven to cause many side effects, including, but not limited to, discomfort in the lower stomach, headache, mental retardation, your mom, brain damage, temporary or permanent blindness, and/or death. If you suffer from one or more of these symptoms, including death, then please contact your Poison Control Center and/or doctor immediately, or at least as soon as symptoms become obviously dangerous.
“Water intoxication is the result of intoxicating water.”
~ Captain Obvious on water intoxication
“NO! My only weakness besides kryptonite”
~ Superman on water intoxication
“Help MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
~ Adolf Hitler on water intoxication
“I'm addicted with them!”
~ George W Bush on water intoxication
Water intoxication, or "water intox" for short, is caused by drinking the highly dangerous, toxic, and very poisonous, chemical known as dihydrogen monoxide. For those of you who have a negative IQ number, dihydrogen monoxide is the chemical name for water. Now of course, most people would think that "water intoxication" is just plain ridiculous, if not absurd, considering that everyone drinks water, and the human body is approximately 666% water. However, as this article will clearly explain, using scientific evidence, water intoxication is a dangerous and underestimated threat.
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[edit] How Water Intoxication Occurs
Water intox is caused by drinking, eating, injecting, touching, absorbing, assimilating, or otherwise consuming 'dihydrogen monoxide', AKA H2O, which is known by its secret identity "Water." Water happens to be a dangerous chemical, which is similar to other dangerous chemicals such as tobacco, alcohol, meth, root beer, and toothpaste. The difference between water and the aforementioned chemicals (excluding toothpaste), is that the government not only approves of water, but actually distributes it in secret methods known as "water treatment plants" in which water is mined from the Earth's core and sent to sinks, showers, and toilets around the world. It is said that water is chemically treated at those plants in order to control the minds of those who drink it, and therefore give complete power to the government. This would explain why taxes are still in place, despite the constant struggle to stop them. The people behind the water mind control conspiracy are listed below, and are most likely highly unrelated to the problem with water intoxication.
[edit] Known and/or Suspected Water Mind Control Conspirators
- John Kerry
- Al Gore
- Mario
- Possibly Luigi as well.
- Your mom
- Also see, your father
- Chuck Norris
- Captain Oblivious
- You
- Osama Bin Laden
- Darth Vader
- Most Grues
- Nobody
- Nicholas Cage
[edit] The Reason Behind Water Intoxication
Because of the above conspiracy, the dangerous chemical known as "water" is being distibuted to almost every house on Earth (except for homes in India, Africa, Antartica, and Czechoslovakia.) This causes a high danger to the people drinking the chemical to be poisoned, and therefore induced with "water intoxication." However, not everyone is at risk. In order to be effected by water intoxication, the mass of the drinker must be equal to the square of the mass of the quantity of water drunken by the drinker, multiplied by 666. This is shown by the following mathematical procedure-
-In which "
" is equal to water intox.
[edit] Symptoms of Water Intoxication
Water is a very dangerous chemical, and can lead to many symptoms, even if water intoxication has not happened. Below is a list of symptoms related to everyday use of water.
[edit] Symptoms of Water
- Otherwise unexplainable wetness or dampness
- Peeing
- Drowning
- Sweating
- A lack of dehydration
- Your mom
- Inability to control one's mind.
- Cancer
- And of course, water intox.
[edit] Symptoms of Water Intoxication (See also, the warning at the top of this page)
- Brain damage
- Deja-vu
- Mental retardation
- Back ache
- Brain damage
- Deja-vu
- Baldness
- Stupidity and/or Insanity
- Unencyclopedia
- Drowsiness
- Deja-vu
- Death
- Second Death
- And last, but not least, deja-vu
[edit] Treatment of Water Intoxication
Like any disease, including malaria, AIDS, the common cold, and breast cancer, water intoxication does have a cure. We just don't know what it is yet, which makes it a very good way to make a huge profit off of "donations" to "research centers" so that we can come ever closer to "discovering a cure." However, there are a few home remedies that may or may not work. (Note that we did not test the following remedies, and they may make the problem worse instead of actually curing it. Therefore, we are not responsible for any damage done to you or your property in any attempts to follow the following instructions)
[edit] Home Remedies to Water Intoxication
- Drink a cup of coffee, made with milk, not water, upside down while counting to six hundred sixty six
- Dance about an open fire while whistling the Legend of Zelda theme song
- A cup full of sugar
- All your base
- Attempt to find a plot in the movie Napoleon Dynamite without reciting any jokes or lines found in the movie
- Your mom
- Go a week without saying a single "your mom" joke. (Recent scientific evidence claims that water intoxication may have a direct link to "your mom" jokes, but that is uncertain, at best.)
[edit] History
Water intoxication has a long and complicated history, which we will try to summarize here.
[edit] Creation of Water
Water was created by God during the six day creation. It was made from two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen, or in other words 50% Oxygen, and 50% Hydrogen. So, water is one of the few substances to equal 200%. (In normal math, 50% + 50% would equal 100% percent, but as you will see below, the Einsteinian Theory of Relativity says otherwise)
When God created water, it was a completely safe substance. However, the water we know today (dihydrogen monoxide) is not the same water that was made back then (H2O).
[edit] Creation of Dihydrogen Monoxide (OH2)
Scientists working for the Russian government created a substance that was quite similar to water, because the water known as H2O was becoming depleted due to people leaving their sinks running. And so they created hydrogen monoxide. However, the recipe was stolen by a microscopic sea organism working for the CIA and taken to the US. The US scientists then altered the chemical makeup of hydrogen monoxide (HO) by adding another hydrogen molecule to it (OH2), therefore rendering it as a mind-controling substance.
[edit] Spread of Dihydrogen Monoxide
Certain conspirators (including John Kerry, Chuck Norris, and Your mom), built specific laboratories where they could make this "water" and called them "water treatment plants" Soon they had control over the entire population of North America, Europe, and most of China. Since then, around 666 million people have died from water intoxication.
[edit] Prevention
Don't drink water.
[edit] Conclusion
To sum up everything in this article, it basically goes like this.
- Water, H2O, is created by God
- Water, H2O, runs out
- Russian scientists create hydrogen monoxide, HO
- American CIA Agent Plankton steals hydrogen monoxide
- American scientists create dihydrogen monoxide, OH2
- American government distributes toxic water to the nations
- Your mom
- Eventually, everyone dies of water intoxication, and the apocalypse comes.
[edit] Trivia
- Water intoxication is also known to happen when people drink way too much water.
- John Kerry denies any involvement in the conspiracy.
- Don't eat the yellow snow.
- Your mom is mentioned 666 times on this page.
[edit] See also
- Dihydrogen monoxide
- Water
- Your mom
- Metric system
- The Ocean
- Henrik Ibsen
- Things associated with water
