Watermelon
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“Then you reach for the tool that is not a slicer, not a dicer, not a chopper in a hopper! What in the hell can it possibly be? SLEDGE-O-MATIC!”
~ Gallagher on Watermelon
The watermelon is a type of large crap-shaped fruit sold that, when properly prepared, changes in shape to the oblong sphere that we commonly recognize. The watermelon fruit, loosely considered a type of melon, has a lusciously smooth exterior rind and a juicy, sweet, and sexy red interior flesh. The entire melon is edible, but typically only the interior flesh is eaten. Yes, it does taste like SH!T, which is why it is the national fruit of Tori (just don't tell her) .
Although the large size of the fruit make watermelon trees a poor choice for shade in residential neighbourhoods, they remain popular throughout the United States. In 2004, falling watermelons caused 241 deaths in the United States, although seven of these were directly attributed to David Letterman.
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[edit] History
Watermelons come in many varieties, including diet, diet with lemon, diet with melon, and diet divided by 0, the last one does not exist, but is merely a contraceptive with which to decrease the flow of mexicans ino the USA. Scientists speculate that the watermelon has been around since the dawn of creation when God brought them into existence accidentally while trying to make an edible tennis ball. It was first noticed (by people) stowed away on ships bringing slaves from Africa to America.
Watermelon did not immediately become the popular melon-powerhouse that they are today. Cantaloupes and honey dew remained the favoured melons for many years because the early pilgrims felt that anything larger than a handful was a waste.
Currently, 2.3% of the world's watermelons come from California, where they are picked by Latinos, the easiest to do our manual labor, ill-suited to the more dexterous work of picking grapes and pomegranates. The remaining 12% of watermelons come from a small valley in [[Romania, Arkansas], where they are produced when people of the same family have sex and bone their own eyes out. However, the Romainian watermelon crop has been devastated in recent years by Vampire Watermelons.
[edit] Conflicts with the Cantaloupe
For eons, Waterlemons have fought against their mortal enemy: The Cantaloupe. Whereas the proud and noble Watermelons have been fighting for the forces of goodness and the American Way, the Cantaloupes have been trying to spread chaos and destruction. They are considered terrorists affiliated with Al Queda. The strongest of all penis trees in the Clover Valley in Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The world's leading psychic melonologists have recently discovered the events leading to ages of distrust between Watermelons and Cantaloupes. It seems before the dawn of man, the world was in harmony. Melons were the dominant species on the planet. Everything was at peace, then homo saipiens arrived. The Cantaloupes tried to recruit these new beings to their side, so they could defeat the Watermelons and rule the world. The proud, noble Watermelons did not take kindly to this kind of behaviour and started a holy war with the Cantaloupes over the right of free will for all.
There have been many instances throughout history where battles seemed to be between waring humans, but either side was controlled by either Watermelons or Cantaloupes:
- The Roman Empire - was controlled by the Cantaloupes in another plot for world domination
- WW2 - was actually a battle between the Cantaloupes (and their cronies Honeydews, and Cucumbers, YUCK!!) (Axis) and Watermelons (Allies). Winston Churchill's famous speech to the British people was written by a Watermelon. It was also predicted in defeating the Cantaloupe hordes. Of course, the Cantaloupes had their own secret weapon of mass destruction, the MechaLoupe. However, the MechaLoupe could not be used as it was eaten by small hungry Hungarians.
- Following WW2 Cantaloupes migrated to Russia and helped Stalin take over Eastern Europe. Honeydews took over China, and Cucumbers conquered Cuba (where they rule to this day). Watermelon lovers in the United States and Western Europe held the line in a Cold War against foreign and domestic sympathizers of the putrid fruits.
- Today the most obvious signs of Cantaloupe influence are in the Muslim countries, though it is rumored that George W. Bush and many members of the U.S. Congress (Democrat and Republican alike) are secret Cantaloupe lovers. In the 2008 Presidential Election no major candidate has commented on the Cantaloupe vs. Watermelon controversy. Though Barack Obama certainly looks like someone who would enjoy wrapping his lips around a big, juicy watermelon slice, many staunch watermelon supporters do not find that reassuring enough.
- The watermelon market took a terrible blow in Japan when nationally acclaimed Hentai director and bukkake marathon champion Hayao Miyazaki declared his favorite plant ovul to be grapes.
However, human-melon relations haven't always been very good and both sides choose their allies carefully to prevent overeating. Of course, the eating of melons is required to keep the population down, otherwise the world would be flooded with super-intelligent melon-beings, who have been caught raping my sister Regina. Good for them! I want to bone her too.
[edit] Were You Aware?
The watermelon is the most socialistic fruit in the world being green on the outside and red on the inside.
If you eat a black seed, God hates you and watches you juggle your nuts in the shower every night.
Watermelons can be used as a musical instrument. Put a microphone in one and shove it out a window, this was the only source sound used by Philip Glass in his 56 most recent records.
Watermelons are NOT, as some would have you to believe a type of fruit or melon. It is, in fact, a small type of marsupial that has entered a dormancy stage prior to giving birth. If you do indeed eat a watermelon, you are not only killing the endangered animal that it truly is, but are also ending the life of it's unborn child.But, please, eat it if you kill it,otherwise Bruce willis will slap you in the face.
[edit] See also
Great Literature regarding fruit.
| Elemental Melons | |
|---|---|
| Firemelon | Earthmelon | Darkmelon | Oxygen-melon | ThunderMelon | Nitrogen-melon | Watermelon | ¶-melon | Satan's Fav/Hell-Melon | HolyMelon (aka Divine Melon) | Lightingmelon | Melon backwards | Windmelon | Icemelon | Darmstadium-melon | |
This is all bull sh!t
