Weapon
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“I know not the weapons that will be used in WWIII. But WWIV will be fought with words, sticks and stones not being available”
~ Albert Einstein on weapons
Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
Weapon is anything that can be used for amusement.. Weapons are generally used to expedite otherwise intractable arguments. Weapons have been hailed as the most efficient time savers available to all mankind.
In the year 2005 alone, it is estimated that use of weapons saved over $600 billion dollars in productivity by eliminating unnecessary debate, inarticulate ideas, purposeless banter, political waste and needless religious dialogue. Countless people (primarily rednecks) use weapons as a cure for boredom.
Also, the weapon producing industry generates nearly $500 quadrillion dollars a year.
So, in 2005, the world saved and made a combined $1.1 trillion dollars thanks to weapons.
Weapons Save an estimated 175 Million lives a year
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[edit] Origin of weapons
Somewhere around the end of the Book of Genesis, This Guy and That Guy began to have a dispute over whether they would watch a DVD or the NFC Championship game. This Guy already knew that Seattle was totally gonna beat the shit out of Carolina. But, they ended up watching the game anyhow, and This Guy was way pissed about it. After watching Cain kill Abel, This Guy decided he could find an even better way to solve problems. Then he created Uranium.
This Guy stayed up for nearly three weeks straight. During an insomnia haze, he watched an Apple iPod fall from a tree and conk a cat dead.
After another two weeks, he realized that if he used something heaver than an iPod, he could probably beat the hell out of a human being. He made a Uranium ipod.
This Guy decided to test the theory. He stalked behind That Guy and struck him over the head repeatedly with a Uranium stick until That Guy was left in a borderline comatose state of retardation. (See also: hospital.)
[edit] Evolution of weapons
By the rise of the Egyptians, people decided there were better things to beat each other with than sticks. Some more advanced civilizations began using things such as chainsaws and high powered rifles to ice any mother fucker dumb enought to go to war with them. This is what the movie scarface was modled after> "say hello to my little friend, just in eygipian Then along came the Greeks. The Greeks realized that if you quit beating people, and started using sharp edges to gouge them, they died even faster!! Archimedes is generally credited with crediting the first edged weapon, the butter knife. Rapid improvements came along, and Greek armies began stabbing people left and right.
Until the Romans stabbed the Greeks, and the Greeks became far more interested in pederasty.. Oh Shnap.
The Chinese added further innovations, like off-key singing and the death of 1000 cuts. Soon, armies were riding on horses and stabbing people, which is funny as shit to watch, because it really sucks to take a spear to the chest when the spear is backed by an 2000 pound animal running full sprint and spitting snot everywhere. Also during this time, the long bow was introduced, creating the pleasure of destroying your target from a distance of apprx. 200 ft.
[edit] Weapons during the Middle Ages
By the Middle Ages, English kniggits dashed about the realms of the world stabbing people all the time, often just because it's funny to stab people.
Many commoners got deeply pissed about all the unnecessary stabbing. They decided to find a way to stab back. But, they were really poor, and therefore were in the habit of taking all their metal weapons to the recycling center for cash.
Robin Hood appeared, and told them how to make arrows. The arrows totally kicked ass, and the commoners butchered the knights.
[edit] Weapons during the Enlightenment
The knights weren't too happy about all the dying with arrows in their chests. A collapsed lung is a shitty way to die, for sure. Can't blame 'em, right?
So, the knights quit being knights. Some of them decided to enter the Jedi and were killed on distant planets by toasters with light swords. The rest asked Merlin how to fight back. Merlin gave them lasers. At first, the knight lost a fuck load of fingers and limbs. So, they decided to pay a bunch of commoners to fire the lasers.
Needless of being said, this was a dumb idea, too.
The commoners shot all the knights, who asploded. They then shot all the nobles, and thus ended the middle ages.
[edit] Weapons since gunpowder
Lasers, needless to say, made weapons totally totally totally wow! totally awesome!!!! Tasers are cool too. But they look a bit girly. Now, people shoot each other and zap shit up left and right.
Arguments have become so efficient that most people have lost the faculty of speech. Most wars are declared by IMing the other country and then zapping them in the head a quarter second later.
[edit] Weapons in The Future
There will be no so called weapons in the future. The government plans to blank all of our memories and remove them all in one crazy weekend except for mine. Also in this weekend George W. Bush shall eat 26 bananas and claim to be a monkey which we all know is true anyway.
They will be replaced by weapons that are in built into every childs' shoulder and only fire when somone is truly mean. This is a main part of Plan for world peace and is forecast to raise general happiness levels by 6.2% by 3012.
[edit] The True Story of Weapons
Beginning in approximately 100000000 B.C., weapons began with the nuclear cruise missile. Early Mesopotamians, understanding the primitiveness of the N.C.M., improved on it to create the ROCK. Thrown at a high enough velocity, they could cause severe damage to the head if aimed correctly. More improvements led to the spear, which could be thrown more accurately, as well as serving as a useful phallic image for those perverted cavemen. Eventually, the Chinese evolved and made gunpowder for fireworks. Europeans, realizing the sissyness of fireworks, created the gun, then the sniper rifle, then the machine gun. Then they finally made a full automatic assault pistol rifle with laser scope that also shoots grenades. It has been hailed as a life saver, as people no longer mess about with pathetic knives and whatnot. But anyways, sniper rifles are so awesome not as awesome as swords, but still pretty damn awesome. Then of course, Gwen Stefani started making music, and mass murder was introduced.
