Wegmans
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“We don't say 'Everyday you get our best' for nothing!”
~ Wegman's Employee on rape allegations
“Everyday they make me chant. It's always the same: 'Down with Wegmans, down with Wegmans'. It's like a cult.”
~ Anonymous CEO of Wal-Mart
“Sometimes the sandwiches just taste so much more... organic... with a tall glass of organic water.”
~ Typical Wegmans customer.
“Wegman's can't get real employees. I know this guy who works there and he's totally, like, the slowest person ever.”
~ Tracy Bonzo on Con
“They have a lovely stock of fava beans and chianti. I love shopping at Wegmans.”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Wegmans
In the beginning there was God, the Buddha, Morrigan, and Lilith. And Of course, there was also Allah, and Shiva and Shakti, and... screw it, there were a lot of big powerful people.
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[edit] Wegmans: The Beginning
Anyway, one day, there was a huge conference with all these big powerful people, and the Morrigan started complaining (as per usual) that she was thirsty. However, there was nothing for her to drink as the conference had delayed God from creating Earth and, thus, drinks. There was no water, no beer, no beverage-like material to be found anywhere in the cosmos. In any event, the meeting called a recess and God took seven days to make the Earth. When the meeting reconvened, Morrigan refused the 'meager' drinks God had created and would not shut her bloody trap. Annoyed, God said, "You are banished to the Earth for one week", and it was done.
Due to her wonderfully bitchy and goddess-like ways, Morrigan searched far and wide for the beverages she so coveted. Alas, much to her chagrin, she found nothing. As Morrigan searched for something to sooth her parched throat, the Buddha, being the most forgiving of the gods, took pity on the displeased goddess and created Wegmans to appease her. While wandering through a large patch of sandy earth called the desert, Morrigan stumbled across the paradise the Buddha had made for her: Wegmans.
When she first entered, the store only carried basic products made in Russia (as the first Wegmans was stationed in lonely, deprived Laos). Then, slowly, after 3,000 years of persistent whining, Morrigan was able to convince the store CEO, Wegal Van Schnootinbug, to carry products made inAmerica, China, Asia, and various other countries including Russia.
Over time, Wegmans became extremley popular, and now, our story continues with the SECOND Wegmans store in Corning, New York (as depicted).
[edit] The Second Wegmans
Soon, Morrigan loved Wegmans so much that she had a burning desire to create another. When the time was right, she did just that, placing the second Wegmans of the world in America, in Corning. The new Wegmans had an asphalt lawn in front of it which attrated local pheasants and antelopes (there were no humans yet). Being a relatively new invention, asphalt improved the new Wegmans in that created a place for the rabbits to birth their young. However, that is yet another story for another time.
This new Wegmans hosted a variety of products unknown to the first Wegmans. Morrigan was content with her grocery store paradise and all the world was at peace.
[edit] The Creation of Adam
Before he died, Wegal Van Schnootinbug, creator of Wegmans, created a prototype creature made from the egg of a monkey and the sperm of a piglet. Sadly, something went very wrong with the fertilization of the monkey egg, and Schnootinbug realized he'd created an Adam. For some strange reason, the Adam was pregnant, and it had an Eve. This became awkward very awkward as they were the only two of their species. However, times may be as they may be, and the funny-looking monkey/pig creatures created spawn whom they named Frank and George. They became the first ever cashiers of Wegmans.
[edit] The First Employees
Once upon a time there was a Con. For his boring history, please click his name. Meanwhile, Con got hired as a cashier when Morrigan saw him begging on a street corner. She took pity on him and thus, as a kindess, she took him to her paradise and instituted him as a paid slave. Con began ringing out groceries in exchange for currency, which at the time was limited to oodles of rice. Wegal Van Schnootinbug had died the year before, leaving Sauron in his stead as the overlord of Wegmans (under Morrigan, of course). Sauron was a good man, despite his mild run-ins with the Nazis. So, under the reign - I mean advice! - of Sauron, Con slowly corrupted the minds of those who dared turn from Wegmans to Wal-Mart. The evil Wal-Mart was slowly taking over the minds of the innocents, making them gather in a large stadium once a year and shout horrible things about Wegmans, Schnootinbug, Sauron, and Morrigan. Con began to try to raise Wegmans up in society, but he had a difficult time of it due to Wal-Mart's assassins.
When he saw the corporate headquarters of Wal-Mart, Sauron decided that Wegmans had no basis for him, and he began stalking Wal-Mart employees instead. Any loyal to Sauron after his departure were known as Wall-raiths, and they were banished from the Wegmans world. Bob and Fred were happy with the decision to banish the unfit employees, though it was rumored that Bob was having an affair with Hitler. (Who by the way resembled a demon from the ninth circle of hell.) Con took it upon himself to hire more employees for the Wegmans store chain and hired such renowned creatures as Aslan, Saphira, Charlotte the spider, Dobby the House-elf, Meowth, Simba, and Thumper. However he slowly realized that he needed more human employees (if you could call Bob and Fred HUMAN) and he set out on a quest to beg Adam and Eve for help.
[edit] The Quest
After walking for a great time, Con sat on the side of the...dirt. (What, did you expect me to say road? There were no roads silly!) Anyway, he stood after a great rest and went across the...dirt, and came to the house of Adam and Eve. Adam was standing at the window when Con was let in, and Adam smiled. "It's so beautiful isn't it?" he said, pointing out the window. Con looked, and saw Wegmans sitting right across the dirt. "Lovely. Meanwhile I have a question for you. Can you create more children? I need human workers. See Aslan wants to eat Thumper, and I keep losing Charlotte. Dobby's always hitting himself and THEN there's meowth who steals the blood vials from the drawers of the blood registers. Simba's the only one worth keeping, and he's always singing about being the fucking King." "What about Saphira?" "She can't fit in the front door, and she scared the chickens working at the loading docks so we can't ship to our store in Laos." "I see. Well you're in luck." And with that they went into the basement of the house. There were hundreds of children running around. "Choose some." Adam grinned.
And so began child labor.
[edit] The Installment of Child Labor Laws
An employee of Wal-Mart, Gollum, (aka The Hobbit Formerly Known as Smeagol) complained to the Wal-Mart board that Wegmans was mistreating their employees. Though they couldn't do much, they sent their task force employees, the members of Fall Out Boy after the Wegmans CEO, Con. Con wouldn't give in though, stating that the children were happy to work for him. When asked, a child said "We mustn't say nothing bad about Master, no we mustn't..." The lack of formal education being apparent, Con was sued by Wal-Mart for forcing children to do his work. Con won the suit, but Wal-Mart didn't stop there. They pressed for Child Labor Laws, and in that case they won. The labor laws are as follows:
- Children under 10 shall not be forced into labor, though they may be persuaded with torture.
- Each child must be paid 2 packets of rice an hour. No more, we must teach them values.
- Punishment can include (but is not limited to) cutting, stabbing, shooting, hanging by the toes, electric shock treatment, and death.
[edit] Wegmans Growth
Wegmans rapid growth surprised all people and creatures in a pleasant way. They began to expand rapidly, even extending to the outer cosmos. Products were shipped in from all over the world, and Wal-Mart began to tremble. So what did Wal-Mart do? I knocked down as many stores and businesses that were popping up as she could and then *bam* Wal-Mart was in the lead again. Wegmans was suffering a major economic decline. Con was getting pressured from all sides to pick up Wegmans before it fell. But that did not happen.
[edit] The Fall of Wegmans
Due to poor leadership skills, Wegmans collapsed at Con's feet. Dozens of stores shut down. In 2006, Con was fired from his position of CEO. The present CEO, Mickey the Leprachaun, began restoring Wegmans from it's demise. Sauron, the former CEO, giggled at the loss, as he was now working hand-in-hand with Wal-Mart, creating smiles and "helping" people with their little blue vests.
[edit] Today
Today, in 2007, there are a few Wegmans scattered, mostly, along the east coast. (And mostly in the North) Con was given his job as cashier, however he was caught stealing alcohol on New Years Eve. Then he ran with it and busted into Lando's. At the sight of the strippers he ran back out and tried to break into a bank. He accidentally hit an old woman in the head with his bag of alcohol and killed her immediately. If you see him, please alert your local police, they are searching for him. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. Thank you.
Meanwhile, Wegmans is once again successful and the Weg-World was at peace. Everyone was happy and the products began selling off their shelves again. They sell pie. They MUST be good...:)
As of late, Danny Wegman has upped the ante in regards to his employee gnawings, up nearly 6,250% since last year.
