Wellington
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Wellington is the capital of New Zealand, famous for its cake tin stadium and its glorious 200km/h 2,000km/h winds. It contains one of the best train stations in New Zealand, and is the preferred location for playing chicken. It's a really, really, really cool city, it has its own mayor and an airport and lots of cafes and everything!
[edit] Parliament
Wellington hosts New Zealand's parliament, a large building called the beehive, which also happens to be it's shape. The Beehive (also know as Barad-dûr) is renowned for the grumpy old women who inhabit it (see Helen Clark), who argue constantly about the latest Maori land rights and what has recently been offensive to Maoris. The Beehive was originally hosted in Auckland, and had the Skytower on top of it, but had to be moved down to Wellington due to the fact that people from Invercargill were always late to caucus meetings. The Beehive remained completely intact for about a week, then a large storm came and blew the Skytower back up north. It landed in Paeroa. A large debate occurred between Auckland and Paeroa, until, finally, Helen Clark Senior made it law that no towns beginning in "P" could have more than one national icon. So they took it back. Auckland, even today, still believe they are the capital city of New Zealand.
[edit] Te Papa
Te Papa (translated "Oom-pah-pah") is the city's vibrant museum, famous for its anchor in the entrance hallway, which was put there by Maui (the motor-home company) because there was a free spot. Teenagers of Wellington are often found at Te Papa stealing wheelchairs for use around various races in the town. These circuits include "Down Cuba," "Public Parking Buildings" and the "Mount Victoria Run". EXTEND ->
[edit] Suburbs
Wellington has some amazing suburbs, unique in their diverse ways.
[edit] Pukerua Bay
The first small satellite town that will grace a visitor to Wellington "Puke bay" (Pronounced "pookey") is a welcoming site to travellers who have successfully crossed "The Killzone", which is a single lane motorway sometimes referred to as "State Highway 1" and which forms the only arterial route between Wellington and civilisation - or the rest of the country, depending on your definition of civility. Young white children like to act tough by saying PKB REP! ....Tossers Everyone over the age of 7 gets drunk at least twice a day as it is a way of life in this lovely shit-hole
[edit] Plimmerton
Plimmertonians are the most pretentious and isolationist people of Wellington. Occupying only a small stretch of costal road, Plimmerton is a jealously guarded playground for race car enthusiasts. The most popular course in Plimmerton is Airlie Road, which starts in Plimmerton and conveniently ends at a large cemetary.
[edit] Central Porirua
For those wondering where to find fast-food, there's no better place than the Americatown known as Porirua. Containing the great three (McDonalds, KFC, and Burger King) and even some obscure restaurant ("Denny's"), it supplies your three square meals each day. You can buy basically everything there, except CDs that aren't hip-hop and drugs that aren't clean cut.
[edit] Porirua East
Home and birth place of Jake "The Muss" Heke before his migration to Auckland, as well as three quarters of the population of Samoa, Eastern Porirua is considered by many to be the most welcoming and well maintained township in all of New Zealand. Its clean streets thrive with polite and well mannered people who will gladly exchange conversation about science, politics and international news with visitors.
Porirua east is the home of many well established New Zealand artists who grace the area's public property with delightful slogans and coloured artworks as well as a number of experimental artists who forge large steel artworks from cars and bricks.
[edit] Titahi Bay
A small towns name commonly misread by illiterate, retarded and non-schooled people - that is, the whole population of New Zealand - as Titi-Bay. The most commonly used phrase to date in Titahi Bay is "Here today, Gone tomorrow" as it describes most of what happens to the letterboxes of homeowners. The residents of Titahi Bay regularly enjoy visits from the people of Porirua East. The Eastern Porirua people help Titahi bay residents by removing unused cars from the sides of the roads, putting unwanted possessions from other properties into their own and tagging other houses, saying "welcome to the neighbour hood, the first break and enter comes free with the move, but after that we are going to have to charge a flat fee for removing your property. P.s. you dont mind we spraypainted this message on your wall do you? We couldnt find any pen or paper in your house, I think we took it yesterday. P.p.s. You have no toilet paper left". Most of the (white) people move away because of because of this and because they eat the their left-over KFC (and the occasional Mcdonalds, where the Bay Bums move their cardboard boxes to this location before returning days later to their original location, the rubbish bins outside of th cafe by the local sewage disposal the beach- where people are swimming under turd undetered). Note: If you're on your way past Wellington and you see a sign saying 'Porirua' or 'Titahi Bay', just keep driving; there a nice place called Paraparaumu you can stop to get a feed.
[edit] Tawa
Tawa is a suburb bookended by a mental asylum and a women's prison. Betwixt these extremes resides the most God fearing suburb of Wellington. Because so many people worship God, the most busiest part of the week is Thursday, when churchgoers and old people party like there is no tomorrow. Tawa contains the most churches per capita in New Zealand, because people in Tawa just can't get enough Jesus in their town. It's also home to the various choirs on voice-enhancing drugs from the college with the Tawa® brand name.
Some people say they have seen Jesus in tawa going to get some fish n chips. But it might of just been blanket Man
In short: 11 churches. 0 mosques. Keep it that way.
[edit] Miramar
A majority population of old people keeps this boring suburb from being vibrant. Miramar has a proud list of amenities, such as a rich private boys school, Scots College, and a library. But Miramar is really only there to provide a way to get to Seatoun, the rich suburb. Residents of Miramar enjoy low house prices, as the city's airport is located in Miramar. Being woken up by a 767 at 3 in the morning is just one of the many perks of living in this lovely suburb.
[edit] Seatoun
Don't worry about buying a house here, you can't afford it (unless you are Peter Jackson and/or send your son to Scots College). Wonderful sea views come with the convinience of being able to swim to Eastbourne (but lets be serious, who wants to?)
[edit] Newtown
Hippies and skinheads clash daily in the this suburb, which has Wellingtons public hospital and Wellington Zoo and people who smell glue. Yes, and thats about it.
[edit] Karori
Karori is a hole, that is to say it's a valley. South Karori has been a benign tumor on the butt of the rest of karori for a few years but is slowly (very slowly) managing to soften and become a sort of portable cushion. Kind of useful but then again who ties a cushion to their ass? Many a retard lives in karori. They often find pleasure on it's dangerous and masacistic mountian bike parks, trying harder and harder to pop their brain out the side of their head with every joyous crash. Wellington City Councillors are currently debating whether or not to make Karori a city of its own, as its weather is always different from that of the rest of Wellington. The council has even offered a payment of several million dollars to be granted to the new "Karori City Council" if the suburb accepts to completely cut its self off from Wellington. Home to clouds, rain and cold, and 2 fuel stations. The Karori Wildlife Reserve is in Karori, other attractions include a big ass field, two bowls clubs, a main road... and another field, not quite as big as the other and a school that is run by fat people.
[edit] Wildlife Sanctuary
This massive fortress was designed to harbor all the useless but cuddly creatures that we can find, plus many a zombie plan revolves around getting in and finding a big stick.
[edit] Hutt Valley
The main production of single mothers in white pants comes from the Hutt Valley. Studies indicate that this is due to ingredients that are to be found in the water, namely, raw sewage.
[edit] Island bay
Home of the fish and chip shop, sporting more takeaways that churches this is the suburb for the Culinary challenged. Just about as far south as you can go before hitting Picton, be prepared for a decent cab fair.
[edit] Aro Valley
A lovely student oriented suburb close to the new bypass, know widely for its cold damp housing and not much else, and they have a video store videos are cool.
[edit] Northland
Commonly known as 'Over the Hills and Not So Far Away', the occupants feeling incredibly smug that no-one can find it through the complicated tunnel and traffic light system.
[edit] Kilbirne
Home of the homeless, Kilbirne is commonly associated with time paradoxes.
[edit] Mount Cook
Similarly to Aro Valley mostly inhabited by students, which is nicely underlined by the fact that the streets have been lovingly decorated with broken beer-bottles, free furniture, vomit and generally rubbish of all sorts. It's nice to see that the future intellectual learns the difference between a black and a yellow rubbish sack so quickly, on average within two trimesters.
[edit] Wadestown
The old person gathering pit, where the houses are overly priced and the roads are ridiciously steep. The Wilton 14 is the only route out of Wadestown, if you attempt to leave/enter by foot you will be shot on sight. This is basically for your own safety. I mean we can't just have anyone wandering in our out of our lovely suburb can we?
[edit] Wainuiomata
This big swamp over the hills and far away. Home to the Wainuiomartians.
(Penal colony/Rehab facility)
[edit] Johnsonville
A thriving metrpolis stationed South of Tawa. Is unique as it has two gangsta colleges on either side. It is notable that Johnsonville is possibly the birth place of Tarzan.
[edit] Newlands
A suburb famous for being the worst place in the world. The females in Newlands are so grotesque no man outside of Newlands will mingle let alone elope with them. This has led to Newlands being officially dubed the insest pit of the southern Hemispher (second only in the world to the Texas mormons facitly). Due to the horriable natutre of this pit, it is currently awaiting inevitable nuclear inilation.
[edit] Khandallah
Unknown to many, a large teleportation device is located in central Khandallah with a two way vortex to India from whence the majority of founding Khandallhites originated from. But sadly it doen't have a rich white boy school. The females in Khandallah never exceed the maturaty age of a 8 year old downsyndrome.
[edit] Thorndon
Purposely located on the Wellington Fault Line (a telephone service that tells you your faults), the contrived location of Thorndon was strategically planned so when "the big one" hits, Thorndon residents will be relocated just down the hill to Bowen Street, home to the world famous "Running of the sheep", which takes place bi-monthly.
Thorndon hosts a wide array of ever-so-useful shops, stocking items such as wrapping paper and overpriced art. There are several fine eateries all charging first-class prices for fourth-class food including the Speights Ale house - This pub is also credited with being the most boring restaurant in New Zealand and serving only one item - sheeps testicle salad, the ingredients for which are scraped off Bowen Street following the Running of the sheep.
[edit] Thorndon Trivia
- Birth place of Nelson Mandela
- Site of the only known kitten huffing den (surreptitiously called Garfield’s).
- Prime Minister Helen Clark, renowned hermaphrodite resides in Thorndon. She is often seen late Sunday nights trimming her lawn with hedge clippers.
- Home to the Wellington Labradors (New Zealand only professional male netball team).
- Thorndonians refer to garages as "extension of wealth shells".
- Original site of Hogwarts magic school, moved in 1931 after magic was outlawed.
- Has more Tourette's sufferers per capita than anywhere else in the world.
- Thorndon is a combination of two Welsh words: "thorn" meaning "ostin", and "-don" meaning "-tatious".
- Home of the last remaining solid gold dancer.
- Hosts the March stoning of the Emos anually.
- First suburb to install gutters (known at the time as road rises)
- Thorndon is owned by Tori Spelling, though she has no idea of this; it is believed she was suffering from Labour Party Syndrome.
[edit] Paraparaumu
Paraparaumu (home to Nathan Carter) or otherwise know as "Pram' is located on the kapiti coast. Althoguh paraparaumu is over-run with old people; they are however "re-populating" as the paraparaumu stereotype is to become pregnant at an early age such as 15-16 years old. local hang out spots include the mall(coastlands) the skate park the beach the college or any park. Paraparaumu is the shitest place in new zealand mainly due to the fact that its the home of the kapiti council buildings and coastlands shopping mall a icon for everything that is wrong with the world and home to every tosser that ever lived. There heaps of dumb emo that think there cool that burn stuff. 'Pram even has it's own muffin. Robbie and the pram kids touch each other and have no penis's, muffin is a fagget who sucks his bf chock all long
[edit] Stadium
The WESTPAC STADIUM is the main reason to come to Wellington, with the legendary Jerry Collins protecting our grounds from a Canterbury revenge attack. It was named The Westpac Stadium after the local Westpac Dog Food company donated 20,000 tins of its product to be eaten during the opening ceremony. The Stadium is the most accessible place in New Zealand, being near the airport, train station, bus stop, and harbour; it also contains its own carpark, helipad, and space shuttle landing zone. It is also said that the cake tin can be seen from the moon if you are standing on one leg, naked in a space suit trying to rub your stomach, pat your head and drawing circles with your foot in the air, though why anyone would attempt this is beyond stupidity (unless you are Helen Clark, who is the purest form of stupid).
[edit] Cable car
The cable car, also known as the glorious turd mover of the asshole of the world by the Australians (who have been known to ride kangaroos from A to B), charges ridiculously high prices for distances that can be walked by my grandma in 5 minutes.
