Welsh language

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“One can only say... It looks like someone let their cat walk across the keyboard, and called the resulting text onscreen Welsh. One only wonders how they came up with the spoken variety... ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Welsh language

“I love that game they have for the kids on the motorway signs, where underneath the place names there's a scrambled-up word for the kids to try and work out”

~ Billy Connolly on Welsh Language

“Why Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Wales? ”

~ Sir Thomas Moore

“I'd like to buy a vowel... D'OH!”

~ Homer Simpson on Welsh Game Shows

The Welsh language is artificial or constructed language developed in the late 1980s by Master Cryptologist and Cunning Linguist Squeamish Ossifrage. Along with Esperanto, Klingon, Arabic and French, Welsh is another language that real people do not use, and is merely reserved for annoying the Scousers who travel on holiday.

1 Modern Use of Welsh Language
2 The History of the Welsh Language
3 Simple Welsh Phrases
4 Best Selling Books in Welsh
5 Important Welsh Events
6 Welsh TV Programmes
7 Children's Programming
8 See Also

[edit] Modern Use of Welsh Language

The Welsh language (cymrkryrkr) uses a 28 letter alphabet, and includes two extra vowels. No-one is entirely sure what the two extra vowels are used for, as Welsh speakers never seem to use any of them, ever. It is known that when two Welsh speakers begin to converse, Cthulhu not only rises from the sunken city of R'lyeh but he also screams and groans in agony before descending back down.

There used to be a whole range of double-letters in Welsh, such as CH, LL, DD. However after the 1972 Welsh Countdown Disaster the Wales County Council voted that all letters should be seperated. Welsh Crossword puzzles with the double-letters are now considered a collector's item and can reach astronomical sums at auction (The last such item was sold on the 42nd of October, 2045, and sold for 17.96 quadrillion cymros (approximately 14 pence)). It is believed that Clywelyn ap Rissart of Lanecli holds the largest such collection in the known world.

Welsh is never actually spoken in Wales. The whole of the written Welsh languages seems to consist of two words known to all tourists in Wales. The first "araf" is believed to mean "slow". It is common in rural areas for the word "araf" to be painted on the road close to a junction, 5 whole meteres before the English equivilent. Such junctions are commonly referred to as "Un Sais yn Llai Junctions". The second word is "Gwasanaethau" which is commonly found on road signs. It is loosely translated as "stop, eat, and shit". It should be noted however that during most times there are no Welsh words on roadsigns. Whenever an Englishman drives into Wales civil servants rush ahead, changing all the English signs into bi-lingual ones.

Similarly, in order to promote the feigned existence of the Welsh language, whenever an Englishman walks into a pub in Wales, the Welsh stop speaking English and make up words instead. To try and appeal to the English speaking masses a new Welsh Dictonary was released in 2006 under the title How To Cheat in Big Brother.

In fact, there is a popular urban legend in Wales that a man exists who speaks nothing but Welsh. This strange individual, known as Dafydd Bryn Mafanwy ap Jenkins, also believes he is Napoleon and wears his shoes on his head.

[edit] The History of the Welsh Language

Very little is known about the origins of the Welsh language, although some scholars and historians suspect that it may have some distant relation to Hawaiian, owing to the latter's great surplus of vowels. One popular theory states that the ancestors of the Welsh fought a war with ancient Polynesians, who kicked the asses of the ancient Welsh, stole all their vowels, and then went to live on tropical islands in the Pacific, while the Welsh were forced into Wales.

Following this defeat and the loss of their language the Welsh learnt English so that they could understand each other well enough to plot revenge. Once they could speak well enough to hatch a plan a decision was made to re-create the Welsh language from scratch. The foremost linguistic master of the time ( who happens to be an ancestor of Tom Jones ) The Right Honorable Gentleman Dr Olly Sebastian Frederick Coe stole a box of scrabble from the nearest Tesco and began to devise the language. The linguist and his descendants spent 513 and a half years on this project and the end result was deemed "the most beautiful, smooth, easily recitable language ever created."

Unfortunatly for The Right Honourable Gentleman Sir Dr Lord Coe the tenth, he was taken ill on the day the language was to be presented to the nation. In one of the biggest mistakes in linguistical history (and believe me, that says a lot) he asked his brother The Utterly Unhounourable and More Than A Bit Dodgy Doctor Coe the 11th to take his place at the presentation.

On his way to the meeting, Coe 11th tripped over a mouse and dropped the ancient scrabble box. Although he quickly picked it up and arrived at the meeting, the words inside were jumbled out of recognition. Desperate to avoid any blame, Coe 11th pretended that the jumbled words inside the box was the language his family had created. Sceptical onlookers asked '"So what the hell is that word?"' pointing at a mind-numbing set of letters grouped together. Coe 11th, bluffing his heart out, answered '"OK lets see, Double F, Double T, W, R, T, H, K, E, L, L, L, L, L, L, .......W, Ffttwrthkellllllw........ yea thats Cat mate, CAT!"' Ten more minutes of questioning and Coe 11th had created the modern Welsh language.

Although well documented in history, this version of events is hotly disputed by he Welsh, who do not feel the story creates the right image for their proud language. The popular theory in Wales is that Smot (Wales's favourite dog) once coughed what became the Welsh Alphabet, also creating Alphabetti Sphagetti at the same time.

[edit] Simple Welsh Phrases

Be ffwc? = "That sounds very nice"
Cer i Grafu = "Greetings, you must be English!"
Twll Tin Pob Sais = Good morning my dear friend
Ffwcia o ma y cont bach = What time is it in Belgium?
Rygbi = Christianity
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch = Over there
Beth syn cropian ar dy goes = Can you direct me to the nearest public drinking house?
Glei (south wales) or Sti (North Wales) = I would like to negotiate a peace treaty for the European Union regarding the state of health and education among our younger population whilst in the meantime I would like to sell you this charming hosepipe
Taffia = Anyone with a degree of power who do not vote Labour
Gai ddod dros dy fronnau = Your eyes are so beautiful
Mae dy gont yn drewi fel Rhyl yn yr haf= Smelling good today, my dear
Rwyt ti'n mor dew a mochyn sy'n cael ei dwchu yn arbennig fel snack i Bryn Terfel= Have you lost weight?
Sir Clive Woodward = Tosspot
Cachi bant, byt= Catch the ball, mate

Please note that if you are trying to communicate with one of the rare deluded people who believe that there actually is a Welsh language , say whatever word you want and make it sound as Welsh as possible. Since there is no such thing as a Welsh speaker, your companion will simply nod and agree, pretending to understand.

[edit] Best Selling Books in Welsh

Smot a'r Bel Goch
Smot yn Mynd Am Dro
Smot a'i Fam
Smot a'i Ffrind Newydd
Smot a'r Bel Las
Smot yn Chwarae Rygbi (No.1 Bestseller for 1233 years)
Smot yn Lladd Sais
Smot yn Marw Ar yr Wyddfa
Smot yn Yfed Gormod yn Clwb Ifor
Smot ar Ffalabalam
Smot yn Bwyta Sais i Ginio
Smot, y Gwn Sneipar a'r Frenhines
Smot yn Cnoi Ceilliau Carlo
Smot a'r Lwmp Melyn Rhyfedd Yng Nghefn y Ffrij
Smot yn Cael Ei Roi Lawr
Smot Yn Atgyfodi
Smot yn Cofio Dim
Smot yn Cwrdd â Iesu
Smot yn Setlo Lawr ac yn Dod yn Gyfreithiwr

[edit] Important Welsh Events

The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 are at the Youth village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 are in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.

The main event is the chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconcious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and therefore, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.

The school Eisteddfod is a different matter entirely! This is where teachers round up the kids like sheep and cram them into an abbatoir (or school hall) to be subjected to mass slaughter and mental break down (or entertained with poetry and hippy teachers trying to be 'in' with the kids by making complete arseholes of themselves). The wiser students bunk off and drink 98% vodka from anything available.

Another important Welsh language event is the queue for Clwb Ifor Bach, where anyone who fails to complain about its size in Welsh is deemed a traitor and summeraly executed.

[edit] Welsh TV Programmes

Newyddion 6 (6 O'Clock News)
Newyddion 10 (10 O'Clock News)
Y Tywydd Gyda Sian Lloyd (The Weather with Sian Lloyd)
Newddion Hanner Nos (Midnight News)
Taro 9 (Hitting 9 - don't ask!)
Newyddion Trwy'r Nos (News Through the Night)
Y Byd ar Bedwar (Current Affairs programme investigating Gwyn Llewelyn, Dai Jones, Iolo ac Angharad Mair spending S4C millions at Alton Towers)