Ninja/Types
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In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, God created the ninja in His own image. He gave them dominion over the animals along with the power to be totally awesome and flip out all the time. The ninji were a pure and proud race for two thousand years, but soon enough, they were bored and got hooked on D&D, and decided to create ninja sub-classes. Types of Ninja is an attempt to document all of the ninja sub-classes that have been discovered.
[edit] The Nonja
The people who are NOT ninajs.
[edit] The Stig Ninja
The offspring of Lord Stig and Kasumi, The Ninja Goddess. The Stig Ninja comes form the Land of Speed (also known as The Top Gear Test Track). The Stig Ninja can clone himself into an entire clan just by drinking High Octane Fuel. The Stig Ninja is considered by many Ninjas to be a God. The Stig Ninja can drive cars at incredible speeds, speeds so fast that they can stop a Ninja Master dead in his tracks. The only things Stig Ninjas hate is when someone talks about Peugots, Fiats, Renaults and Citroens. These cars anger the Stig Ninja and his mission in life is to destroy anyone who owns one of those cars, talks about one of those cars, or is seen driving one of those cars, the other thing a Stig Ninja hates are Neds and Chavs. Stig Ninjas kill Neds and Chavs on site. According to a Ninja Historian, one Stig Ninja called Neds and Chavs a skidmark on the underpants of society. Stig Ninjas are usually seen wearing their traditional white race suit but Ninja Scientists have discovered that the ancestor of The Stig Ninja wore a black race suit. The Stig Ninja's weapons (Cars) usually have 4 wheels and can go very fast. If you see the Stig Ninja, bow down and worship him.
[edit] The Tongan Ninja
Can be found in the motherland of Tonga, But when you find him, he will kill you then seduce your mother then drink a nice chocolate beverage.
[edit] The McNinjas
A family of Irish Ninjas that escaped the great American Ninja purges of the Great Dane. The McNinjas consist of Dr. McNinja, Dan, Mitzi, and Dark Smoke Puncher. Dr. McNinja is a ninja doctor, driven by dual compulsions to kill and to heal. Dan and Mitzi are just ordinary ninjas. Dark Smoker Puncher is a blinja, with a penchant for robotics. [1]
[edit] Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot
The apex of ninjaness. Merely looking upon this being will melt your eyeballs. It is said that if this all powerful being wanted more than just brains, it could rule the universe. But this 'rule of the universe' is impeded by their addiction to rap music, namely those sung by the notorious rapper Tech N9ne.
[edit] Rainbow-Ass Ninja
A rare form of ninja only found in Nebraska. Also called the Butt Monkey Ninja, the Technicolor Mofos, MnM and Dem' Stupid Sasquatch Ninjae, and the Re-Re Power Rangers. These ninji are made most popular by the game based off of the 3rd sequal of Barnie With Friends, Mortal Kombat. These ninji are known to have Retarded powers obviously copied from popular animes such as The Backyardagins: Charlie and Lola, Dora the Explora and Little Einsteins: The Aryon Ninja. They each have died about 4 times only to return on a quest for constipation...
[edit] Blackinja
The only known black ninjas reside in (*^*((*&(*&(%^. They invented the whole art of ninja, the art of breakdancing, tricking, and macrame. Even though they feast on the blood of their enemies they also are avid vegatarians, however, as a contradiction to this, they find nothing tastier than freshly killed dinosaur with extra freshly killed. Blackinjas are the most aggresive of the ninja sub-types and they are exactly 1.0000000000000000000000000005 times stronger than Ninja Pirates and are twice as elusive. Blackinjas were created when a ninja and Jim Kelley spawned offspring. In spite of attempts made by Chuck Norris to hide their existence and exterminate them methodically they survived and became the most powerful beings in the universe. After discovering America and killing the Black Hell Dragons of Zephlon they started to teach the cha-cha. They quickly failed this endeavor because if a student messed up, their anger would kill the student without the Blackinja even knowing it was also difficult to insrtuct, because they are perpetually invisible. Later in their life they gained an interest in real-estate and started selling condos in hell, after a mild misunderstanding with Lucifer (Lucifer is still in the hospital from that ***-WHUPPIN they laid down on him), they decided to become baby-chefs. They now hunt pirates on the planet Corker and use their babies as experiments to clone Chuck Norris. Their favorite food, except for dinosaur, are not babies as it is popularly believed, but pirates dipped in pirija juice and cream cheese. They also admire Michael Phelps, but instead of swimming in water, they swim in dried concrete.
[edit] Blinja
Blinjas are ninjas that believe in the holy idol, bling.
Unlike conventional ninja, blinja don't vie toward stealthy assassination. Instead, their primary method of murder is to blind the foe with as much flashy, tawdry objects of adornment as possible. This not only served to perform the aforementioned purpose, but heavy adornment is thought to bring them to the supreme state of blingdom, also known as bling-bling.
They ride horses and camels and eat raddish all day whilst on a dinky bike they got from Wal-mart which was made in China funding a communist country.
Most blinjas have guns, but many will stun their foes further by performing the secret art of rap. This is available to but a few of the most elite. The rarest type of blinjas, the Albino blinja, who is capable of performing this act, is also known as a whigurre. However, most albinos are born inadequate and live lives of quiet desperation as their normal brothers (as they refer to each other) attain glory.
However, blinjas are not united behind one cause, and their rival factions have led to the murder of many great blinja warriors, including The Smurfs, Batman, and Tuvok.
[edit] Clinja
Clinjas are a cross-breed of ninjas and clowns. Clinjas can frequently be found visiting malls, freeways, and smoking it up inside a small Volkswagen.
Approximately 90 clinjas can fit into one Volkswagen Beetle, 70 more than the maximum number of clowns. Clinjas, as the cross-breeds of ninjas and clowns, possess the extraordinary abilities of both races, and combine them to form Super Parties.
During parties, clinjas are a merry, happy species. To the chagrin of many parents, clinjas enjoy sneaking clinjalike into a random child's birthday party by breaking through the skylight on ziplines while honking handheld bicycle horns. Frequent activities include the traditional throwing of brightly colored balls at children. Such balls are known to contain various party favors such as Ricin, VX Nerve Agent, and free AOL software. The clinjas throw their balls with deadly accuracy, causing concussions, blood loss, AIDS, Hepatitis B, and naturally, plenty of laughter, giggles, and screams. Clinja adults and children never cease to enjoy the launch of projectile objects at an audience. Pin the Tail on the Donkey is another favorite game, resulting in only minor injuries in most cases. When Pin the Tail fails to stoke the audience's fervor, however, clinja families bring out the HaHaKatana. It is still unclear whether the aftermath of the HaHaKatana is the result of clinjas' natural hatred for all lesser forms of life, or simply a joke lost in translation.
When a party is over, usually the result of being busted by the cops, or the lack of attached heads, clinjas depart with a ceremonial bow and a flick off a thermal detonator. Many a city block owes the fine maintenance of roads to a friendly clinja clan.
[edit] Cyber Ninja
Cyber ninjas, such as the one about to kill you, are evil and incomprehensible.
Luckily, we have Oscar Wilde!
Cyber ninjas can only affect the "real" world by getting high off virtual kittens, and "jacking off" into the "Styrofoam Cup". Within the "Cup", they have many awesome powers, such as the ability to bend soft plastic items, and the even more amazing power to obtain sudden knowledge about the application of high-tech laundry detergents.
When you meet a Cyber Ninja, your first thought may be...eh? That is because Cyber Ninjas are really sneaky and you may get the feeling that they're trying to tell you something, as if in a secret code or lingo that you don't know. It's very disconcerting.
They also tend to refer to someone called Bill Gates very often. Nobody knows why
It's all Greek to us.
The most famous of the Cyber Ninja is Sektor, everybody knows he's not actually a ninja, but if you try to tell him that, he turns your head into a bloody mist, so just call him one anyways.
[edit] Minja
A small person, or midget, who happens to be a ninja. Minjas can throw shurikens, then jump on top of it in mid-flight. So they'll hit you in the neck, and then punch you in the face. However, minjas are known to be very deadly, not because of thier fighting techniques and stealth ability, (they can fit ito a pack of gum, jump out, and blow your capillarlies up with their mind), but they are more so deadly due to thier innate cuteness. Minjas are quite cute, but it is unquestionably a bad idea to pick up a minja. Catching them WILL NOT bring you a pot of gold, it will only bring you to your Death. One group of Minja who exploits this weakness in humans is known as the Minjachaun, who use pshyco-transic mind lasers to make you think that you are seeing THEM as Leprechauns.
[edit] Ninja Monk Angel Nun
“Holy shit, they're only the scariest things since Jedi Pirates.”
~ Miyamoto Musashi on Ninja monk angel nuns
The Ninja Monk Angel Nuns (NMAN) are a group of mysterious ninjas that descended from heaven to make God's favorite drinks. They have no comprehensible gender and thus are capable of being a monk and a nun at the same time.
The Ninja Monk Angel Nun leader, Henry Weinhard, is said to have been God's right hand. Literally, His right hand was removed and incarnated into an actual creature.
Their principal weapon is the lethal Nunchaku, made from two steel phalli joined by reinforced rosary beads. They are also known for snorting wasabi, turning their brains into gush and then removing it with a straw to store somewhere else whilst they are out being just plain scary.
[edit] Ninjew
The most deadly assassins for the Mossad, their shurikens are shaped like the star of David. They never kill on Saturday, but they do want to kill Mel Gibson.
[edit] Ninja Pirate
A ninja pirate is the hybrid offspring of a female pirate and a male ninja. Since the ninja pirate is the only ninja sub-class to actually be superior to basic ninjas (as well as pirates), some argue that ninja pirates should be considered a ninja super-class. Ninja pirates should not be confused with pirate ninjas (pirinjas), the hybrid offspring of a male pirate and a female ninja, since they are actually inferior not only to ninja pirates, but to normal ninjas and pirates as well.
It is very rare to see a ninjapirate because ninjas and pirates hate each other. Immediatly after the two have made contact they will attack each other. A ninjapirate is born when during battle the male ninja tries to use his wang as a last resort weapon accidently striking the women pirate's "barrel of rum". The pregnate pirate will cease fighting and hybernate for 3 months long enough for the ninjapirate to nurse and grow strong enough for its first kill. It will leave its mother only to come back 2years later and kill her.
It is speculated that there are about a dozen ninja pirates in existence and they are our certain doom, it is only a matter of time before they kill us all. Only one ninja pirate has ever been positively identified. His name was Vin Diesel, and he was killed only a few minutes after publicly admitting he was a ninja pirate. His mom is a white skinned, blue haired bonny lass and his dad is a tan skinned, black haired, shadowblade master.
[edit] Vampire Ninja
Spawned from Vincent Valentine and extremely prone to horrific PMS, Vampire Ninja are the ultimate in stealth, able to literally blend into the shadows. They call upon a range of creatures to aid them, most notably their Ninja Bats, which are thought to be derived from the Beast of Caerbannog. They are also experts with all ninja weapons and have immaculate hair.
[edit] Ginja
Contrary to popular belief, Ginjas, or Ginger Ninjas are indeed real, although very rare. In ninja camps, when a baby is born it is throughly inspected by a group of hughly trained Minjas. If the baby ninja has red hair, it is shunned by its community and forced to live in the barren AZN plains. Several Ginja's fossilised remains have survived long enough for us to anylise them, thus proving thier existance. Hayley Williams is a Ginja in disguise. She has super-secret 1337 Ninja Skills.
[edit] Origami ninja
An Origami Ninja is a Ninja that uses his mighty Origami skills to make mighty Ninja paper weapons. They first originated when the Japanese discovered that Origami can give some very nasty papercuts. And ever since the Emperor Icky Icky Icky Kapang Zoom Poing of the Ni Dynasty was mortally wounded by a paper potato, the practice of Origami weaponry has been outlawed. The many weapons (such as an Origami throwing star, or an Origami claw) hurt a little bit (and by "little bit" I mean more than 7 cups of blood), so you don't want to mess with an Origami Ninja (or his bitches).
An Origami Ninja's weapons vary, and can include anything made out of paper,glue,cardboard or pie. However, the most prevalent weapon is a throwing star.
[edit] Ninja of the Animal Kingdom
[edit] Ninja Cow
No class of bovine is more skilled in the secret arts of stealth than the ninja cow. They were originally bred by the secretive ninja 4-ホ Cabal for their black milk, vital to the stealth of any ninja cookie break. However, they dissociated with human ninja and went their separate way due to their displeasure at the opening of the Ninjaburger franchise as well as the erratic ninja milking schedule.
Ninja cows tend to avoid interaction with humans, so, as they are ninja, little is known about them. They are exceptionally surreptitious for bovines. When fighting, they use their size and agility to their advantage, and are the only known type of ninja to develop a fighting style utilizing swords held in all four hooves. (How the swords are held in the hooves is as yet unknown to science.) The cud of the ninja cow is widely prized as a neurotoxin.
Unlike most cows, which prefer to spend their days in nice sunny pastures, ninja cows prefer to avoid such exposure, spending most of their leisure time in trees. Milking a ninja cow is a very dangerous operation due not only to the difficulty of finding one, but the sharp, throwing star-like udders.
Lesser known and even harder to find is the ninja bull, which is known to kill matadors the night before they are scheduled to enter the ring. Ninja bulls may have no honor, but they have a much higher survival rate than non-ninja bulls.
Despite their obvious similarities, there is no known scientific link between ninja bulls and luncha bulls.
[edit] Penguinja
Penguinja, or ninja penguins, as they are more commonly known, are some of the most secretive and stealthy ninjas in existence. Some people claim that they don't exist, but that is only because ninja penguins are so good at hiding.
Wearing hoods to disguise their penguin-y appearance, they infiltrate your home while you're out and take up residence in your refrigerator, behind all the moldy leftovers that you're never going to eat. The next time you open your refrigerator, they leap out from behind the Tupperware and kill you using their secret Mad Ninja Skillz techniques. No one knows why they do this. Do they want something belonging to their victim? Are they assassins, hired by an enemy of the victim? Do they simply enjoy killing? Are they on a mission to eliminate people who don't clean out their refrigerators? It is a mystery which, sadly, shall probably remain forever unsolved, since most people who have seen a ninja penguin have not lived to tell the tale.
Skeptical? Beware, penguinja target disbelievers.
The best ways to prevent a Ninja Penguin from killing you are the following:
- Leave an offering of fresh fish with marshmallows on your doorstep.
- Never leave your house.
- Clean out your refrigerator frequently, or, just don't own a refrigerator.
- Buy or build a giant robot with which to defend yourself.
- Throw disks of various Linux distros at it as a distraction.
- Dump water on it or it will spit Acid out it's mouth!
However, none of these are foolproof, and many of these things have proved not to be an obstacle in the face of the penguinja's Mad Ninja Skillz.
Additionally, there's some sort of rubbish mulling about that penguinja aren't mammals. This is an obvious attempt to exclude them from the ranks of ninja by the Walrogues, their primary rivals. The Walrogue promote the idea that penguinjas are actually flightless birds. Penguinjas are not birds although they can fly.
[edit] Pirinja
A pirinja (a.k.a the kaizonobi) is the offspring of a male pirate and a female ninja. Rather than being superior to ninjas as their close cousins, the ninja pirates, the pirinjas are inferior. In fact, pirinjas are the most pitiful of all the ninja sub-classes.
Somehow the abilites of the pirate and the ninja cancel each other out when a male pirate and a female ninja mate, but multiply each others effects when a female pirate and a male ninja mate. Scientists are still trying to explain this phenomenon. The female pirinja is known as a piñata.
Recent studies have shown that when a Pirinja is killed, it has the ability to explode with the power of an atom bomb, but is only able to kill Ninjas and their various sub-classes. This is probably due to the release of the latent--yet unobtainable in life--power that Pirinja's hereditage contains. They have recently been classified as "The most dangerous of Ninja Sub-classes" due to this, and are currently being tested for military usage.
Another interesting observation that does not show up in other ninjas is that they seem to do many thigns WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.
[edit] Tasmanian Tiger Ninja
Believed to be involved in Extinction
See: Tasmanian Tiger for further information
[edit] Ninja Lawyers
This particular type of ninja is known to be the snazziest dresser, or at least anyone saying otherwise often recieves a libel-shuriken to the spine. Ninja lawyers only offer their services to the largest corporations and famous pirate haters like Batman, it is however a well known fact that Bill Gates has no Ninja lawyers on his payroll after he attempted to sue the pie-ninja responsible for the infamous pie-in-the-face incident.
Their methods include the ability to instantly settle damages cases as soon as they arise by decapitating the offenders. They will also viciously attack judges with objection-shuriken. However, in America, the infamous Fifth Amendment often hinders their business as their clients are unable to explain where their counsel is, besides 'everywhere'.
[edit] Choco-Ninjas
Image:Ninja Golden Chocobo Breeding.PNG
A Choco-Ninja is a ninja who has infused Chocobo genes in their DNA. The Choco-Ninjas can increase their numbers extremely quick, but to get the highest rank, the Golden Choco-Ninja, you need to mate a great and a good Choco-Ninja with a carob nut. As a result, the green and the blue Chocobo are born. A green Choco-Ninja can climb mountains and a blue Choco-Ninja can walk on water (see Jesus). When a blue and a green Choco-Ninja have incest, a Pink Choco-Ninja is born. A pink Choco-Ninja can climb mountain AND run on water (see Jesus), but that's not all. If you mate the Pink Choco-Ninja with a Wonderful Choco-Ninja you get the final form of Choco-Ninja. The golden Choco-Ninja!
[edit] Nine Orifice Ninja
Ninja with Penguins attached to each orifice when striking the ultimate blow.
[edit] Were-Ninja
Normal people most of the time, who transform into ninjas at the New Moon. Anyone Ninjered by them during that time will become a Were-Ninja themselves. They temporarily gain all of the powers of the ninja that bit them, and develop an extreme desire for snorting wasabi and pwning all pirates in a 10 mile radius.
[edit] Injured Ninja
Actually, there's no such thing as an injured ninja.
[edit] Werepirateninja
The Werepirateninja is a mysterious mystery, as well as a legendary legend. An ancient creature of the modern world, it is afflicted by a curse which came from a downloaded version of the one they put on Princess Fiona in Shrek. You know, one of those day-night things.
During the day the Werepirateninja takes on the form of an ordinary Pirate. But upon sundown flips-out and transforms into a kick-ass Ninja.
[edit] Anatomy/Appearance
Werepirateninjas change shape and awesomeness depending upon the time of day. When they change there are usually really good special effects involving an exploding ring of energy.
Moments after the sparklies fade away, the Werepirateninja will often search around frantically, weapon drawn, for the Pirate/Ninja that was just there. If he is in Daytime-Pirate form you may talk to him, though you will likely be plundered or raped.
If he is in Nighttime-Ninja form then I would recommend getting the heck out of there! He's going to flip out and kill you in two and a quarter of a second!!
[edit] Total Eclipses
During a total Eclipse, a Werepirateninja will assume the form of both a pirate AND a ninja simultaneously! This results in an epic battle in which whoever wins, we lose.
[edit] Current Research
With the increase in Internet Piracy, downloads of this curse are becomming more common. All Ninjas and Pirates are advised to abstain from downloading until a live specimen can be captured alive and a vaccine produced. Also, when flipping-out and killing hella dudes, ninjas are instructed to use a latex sheath over their katanas and ninja stars.
[edit] Debate
There is still some debate as to whether or not the pirate side of a ninja can actually succeed in the total eclipse struggle, since historically the ninja-side has been awesomer than the pirate-side and inevitably defeats the latter. However, due to Le Chatelier's Principle, newer bio-instances of the curse are generating robo-pirates that are coming close to matching the ninja. Be afraid.
[edit] Ninja Turtles
These are the most inferior kind of Ninja and, coincidentally, also the most inferior kind of turtle. They wear none of the full niqab of other ninjas, and lack the longevity epitomising other breeds of turtle - all are teenage.
Ninja Turtles are extremely rare, as there are only four in the world. The best with names that end in O. These Ninjas are extreme to the most badass of badassness only topped by Ninjas who answer questions of the common wealth.
[edit] Nunjas
Nunjas (or ninja nuns) are obviously a cross between ninjas and nuns. They were founded during the Crusades where they were used to kick Turkish pirates' asses because they were a threat to the Crusaders. The sacking of Constantinople was started by them when they sneaked into the walls and killed all the defenses. They are used today to protect the Pope from pirates and other ninjas because the Swiss Guards' outfits are too gay to protect him. Their weapon of choice are the nunchuks, which are basically 2 nuns tied together.
[edit] Nanjas
Nanjas have embraced the technology of the 20th century to exert their influence in cyberspace and are responsible for a common coding error known to most as "not a number". Some believe this error is brought about by dividing by zero or taking the square root of a negative number, but this is nowhere near the truth. Anyone who actually believes this should kill themselves about...now. If you ever get this error, you can rest assured that your program cannot be salvaged, just scrap it and go cry in the corner like the wussy you are.
Nanja is also used to describe one if not all forms of geriatric female ninji. These are perhaps the most diabolical of ninja. The result of surviving for so many years is perfectly honed skills capable of making the simplest daily tasks arduous to the point that the victim will suicide, also the ability to completely incapacitate groups of people through the ancient art of the Circulisticallory Story -most commonly implemented at the head of a long queue, or where there is little if any escape from having to hear the story. These skills are highly desired by lesser aged ninjas for diversionary acts.
[edit] Finnjas
Very similar to the common ninja, but born in Finland. Besides inferior camoflauge due to blonde hair, they also have a secret language which no outsider has ever decyphered: Japanese spoken with a Scandanavian accent. Sometimes called Fjord Ninjas. Renowned for their secret welfare state social policy and relative isolation from pirates. Many Finnjas are also communists.
[edit] Yellow Ninjas
Yellow ninjas are emotionaly unstable. They often use thier hidden skills to think that they are helping when in fact they are not helping. They tend to be quiet and alert but when they see trouble they rarely do anything to stop it. They are not very good ninjas.
[edit] Cheese Ninja Warriors
Commonly known as CnW9 are ruthless communists sworn to protecting cheese at all costs and they're quite possibly insane.
[edit] Chuck Norris ninja
First of all, the two most awesome things in the universe are Chuck Norris and ninjas. But when the two come together, the world could implode from too much awesomeness. The Chuck Norris Ninja is so powerful that he could point at a random airplane and say boom and the plane would explode. He is so freakin' fast that he could run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. He once was struck by a lightning bolt and the bolt said 'Ow'. Since he is just to awesome for the Earth, he can create black holes within his pinkies. One time, a guy tried to shoot him and before the bullet could hit him, he glared angrily at it and it froze, turned around, and went back into the gun. Then the killer imploded.
[edit] Lucozade Ninjas
Lucozade ninjas are an incredibly rare breed of ninja, chiefly because all of them carry the ginger gene and were thus outcast from the great society of ninjas. They specialise in making an ultra secret blend of lucozade called 'UBERZADE !!!!!!!!' (the exact number of 7 exclamation marks are needed otherwise your head will explode from the incorrect pronuncuation) It is rumoured that 'UBERZADE !!!!!!!' is made up of every flavour of lucozade known to mankind and can cause a ginger ninja to flip out with destructive concquences.
[edit] MSN Ninjas
These ninjas use the ancient and very power art of "Appearing Offline." They are very dangerous and can suddenly attack you with words when you least expect it. These ninjas also have a power similar to the "nudge", it is called "the machine gun." Very similar to the nudge, but it shoots .50 caliber bullets, directly at your face.
[edit] Ninja Warrior
A Ninja Warrior has proven their worth in a contest of strength, speed, and endurance. They are renowned not only for their godly physical and mental strength and stamina, but also for the sheer number of people who pose as one. It is believed that the number of people who pose as Ninja Warriors exceeds the number of people who pose as all other kinds of ninja combined by as much as 9001%.
[edit] Misc.
