West Ham
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“I'm forever blowing Bubbles”
West Ham is a minor league football team led by His Imperial Majesty Emperor Eggert Magnússon and His Excellency, Holder of the Golden Chalice of .. erm gold, Heir to the Throne of West Ham, Scourge of the East Ham Pirates, and Chief Beholder of the Butchers Knife of Ham, Alan Curbishley. Curbishley acquired the taste for alcohol at a very young age.
Recently, the 'ammers have been in the spotlight over the controversial signing of Argentinians Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez. The double-transfer seemed odd to most within the football community. This was because unlike any other East Spam players in living memory, the Argies could actually play a bit. However, it turned out the transfers were bent. This resulted in a big ass fine and Sheffield United starting 1200 cases of court proceedings. All of which were lost.
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[edit] History
West Ham originated as Great Ham and is mentioned in the Domesday Book as owning three hundred acres of cesspit and two pigs. Due to the religious schism of the HenriVIIIian Era, Great Ham split into East and West Ham taking one pig each, but with East Ham taking most of the CDs.
In the mid 1800s Ironworks ware a popular pastime. Some of the most popular Ironworks were situated along the local river Thames, and as locals joined forces to create bigger and bigger Ironworks the Academy of Ironworks was born. In 1898, between the fish course and the salad, several people overcome with boredom started playing football. A competitive game between the new team and the neighbouring Mill-Wall Ironworks produced a 0-0 draw and degenerated into a fight which persists to this day. The hobby of Ironworking continued until the First World War when all the club members were melted down and used in France.
The team was almost universally successful but produced several thousand players over the next hundred years who were hugely famous the instant they joined rival clubs. The club's fans called 'Irons' (an unfortunate name for an East-ender who knows anything about rhyming slang) are all, to a man, sturdy, upright, charismatic, brave, stoic and honourable. Honest.
[edit] Culture
West Ham is totally devoid of culture. In fact, not only is it devoid of culture, but it also rocks more than any other club on the face of the Earth in and destroys other clubs from other areas of Bugger. One such item of culture which was sucked from the USA was a popular song called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' written in 1919. For no apparent reason this song was not destroyed, but kidnapped and tortured publicly every Saturday. The song also suffers the pain and indignity of being sung in 4/4 as well as its original 3/4, thus becoming the only 4/4 waltz in the world.
One thing: Butchers are held as holy people. Anthropologists who attempt to discover the cause for this tribal behaviour are often eaten, but rarely digested. Very anti-American.
[edit] The Football Team
The team is made up from random people picked by Divine Judgement, each are paid their weight in sweets and chocolate weekly. They are a bunch of innocent Cockney cheeky chappies who are everyone's second team (although in truth most are from Essex) and we will all be very stupid looking when they realise we didn't get relegated, especially those cunts at Spurs.
The teams greatest ever player is Teddy Sheringham who, funnily enough, is Millwall's record goalscorer. Sheringham once scored using only his eyelids - it was against the West Ham reserves. Sadly, Sheringham has now left to join Colchester Town United Athletic
On 11th December 2006, the Chief Beholder of the Butchers Knife of Ham, Alan Pardew angered His Imperial Majesty Emperor Eggert Magnússon by sleeping with his wife, this led to Alan Pardew being cut up and processed into sausage meat for the hungry Reading fans who have disliked Pardew since he buggered off to West Ham.
There are about three hundred and twenty five strikers at the club, none of them capable of scoring goals and each one of them useless in their own special way. The worst of all the two hundred footballers called 'HareCole', a giant black man who has immense strength and speed but incidentally destroys all those around him when he kicks a ball.
[edit] UN Concerns
The United Nations Security Council has made repeated attempts to force the West Ham government to make a reckoning of the human rights abuses in their nation. Robberies are uncommon since their money and goods are worthless, even in their own country.
The official West Ham response is as follows:
"Fuck Millwall! We rule!!!"
[edit] Paranoia
Despite possessing the most notorious, violent and racist football firm in Britain, Wet Spam have traditionally seen themselves as a warm and cuddly 'family' club supported by gord-blimey strike-a-light genuine Eastenders from Basildon and Billericay, as well as being everyone else's second club. No matter that they have earned no (0, zero) trophies for the past 27 years, everyone loves them. Or perhaps the fact that have been a joke club for 30 years is the reason that aren't worth hating. This has changed radically during the 2006/7 season, to being hated and derided by the rest of the football league and appearing on the back pages of the tabloids accused of something new every week.
It is possible that this may make them stop being so nice to everyone, and start winning for a change.
[edit] Chants
- (To Wayne Rooney) He's fat, he's scouse, he's probably robbed your house...
- (To Jose Mourinho) Jose - wherever you may be, Ji-Sung Park ate your dog for tea, Mourinho you dog is dead, go feed it to Fat Frank instead.
- (To anyone who will listen) "We only sing when we're cheating"
[edit] And also...
West Ham tend to sell players just before the players turn into international superstars ie. Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Rio Ferdinand, and many hundreds more. No doubt they will sell Tevez and Mascherano soon (OH WAIT! They already have!!), just to keep up this trend and prevent them from ever winning anything, its a tradition they wish to uphold y'know. Of course they still maintain a good bank account, as they tend to sell their best players to Chelsea FC (just like everyone else), so West Ham would be a rich club if they didn't keep wasting their money on sweets to pay players.
[edit] Record Transfers
Sold:
- Carlos Tevez to Manchester United - £f**ked over by Kia Joorabchianihinahinnon
- Frank Lampard to Chelsea - 13000 packets of Wine Gums
- Joe Cole to Chelsea - 10000 Chocolate bars
- Rio Ferdinand to Leeds United - £12 billion
Bought:
- Freddie Ljundberg from Arsenal - £20 of Ikea vouchers
- Lee Bowyer from Newcastle - 120 bottles of Newc'stle Brun Ale
- Kieron Dire - undisclosed sum (thought to be in the region of "too much")
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