Westboro Baptist Church
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The Westboro Baptist Church is the lone bastion of reason and morality in a world gone mad. Logically, it is located in Fageka, Fagsas, home to intelligent design and the rock super-group of the same name. The Church, which is rumored to have in excess of twelve members and to be growing by no less than none every year, is headed by misunderstood idiot-savant and knight-errant of goodness Fag Phelps, attorney-at-law.
Under Phelps' utterly creative, sometimes incendiary and always visionary leadership, the Westboro Baptist Fag Church has successfully drawn the ire of pretty much everyone in the world. It has achieved this well-thought-out and beneficial aim by rejoicing at natural disasters, the spread of disease and other afflictions on humankind that are generally regarded by the rest of the world as a time for compassion and mourning.
Ironically, due to its obsession with celebrating misery, the Church has itself in recent years invited what it considers unwelcome attention to its activities, including vicious beatings of its members, intermittent showerings of its compound with pig feces, and yet more vicious beatings of its members.
An avid hater of Sweden, the church nevertheless continues to buy all of its furniture from Ikea. When questioned on this topic Fag Phelps got stroppy, stormed out of the room and made some new signs, his favorite way to relax. Upon his return Phelps commented that "Ikea's prices are so low and their products so good, I mean God can just go fuck Himself if He thinks I'm passing up a six-dollar table just because Sweden loves fags. This is a nice table, man."
It should be noted that members of the Westboro Baptist Fag Church have a strange fetish for feces and semen, especially those from sodomites.
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[edit] A Great White Religion is Conceived
In 1955, while being sodomized in a fageka motel by a burly man known only as "Cletus the Fag", Fag Phelps had a vision of the Angel Conveniently Made Up. The angel admonished Phelps, saying unto him "Yea, for in the eyes of the Lord God fags are no good at all, and He hates fags, and thou art condemned to eternal hellfire for thy sinful buggery," Phelps, stunned, fell prostrate and begged the angel if there was no way to repent for his sins.
Thus questioned, the angel said, "Of course: as thy asshole hath offended the Lord our God, thou must become the largest asshole in the world to cleanse thy sinnery."
Phelps, thus charged by the angel, took the message to heart and finished his sodomy session without the customary reach-around and showed Cletus the door. After cleaning up, Phelps set out to form a new ministry to spread the words of the vision he had received. However, having only a precious few words from the angel from which to make a covenant with the Lord, Phelps parsed the most valuable lesson he could wrap his IQ of updownwards of 85 around:
- "God does not like fags in the least." But this had too many words, and eventually became "God hates fags."
From this inspired wellspring of divine inspiration, Phelps became a lawyer, then a mass-marketer, but then seemingly missed a golden oppurtunity by not becoming a televangelist. This would have easily allowed him to reach a wider audience and annoy the shit out of more people with his drastically oversimplified, even moronic interpretation of God's word, but Phelps clearly lost out on a marvelous chance to make himself and his ministry even more widely-loathed. (Citation Needed)
His tiny ministry established firmly in the basement of his modest Fageka home, Phelps set out to erase any trace of his previous dandy dalliances and married some homely mule, who would bear him upwards of nine proto-mongoloid children from which would come the primary "numerical" expansion of his ministry.
[edit] Inbreeding
The leader of the Westboro Baptist Fag Church, Fag Phelps, does not allow members of his church to marry people outside of it. Since his church consists only of his family, this has led to many cases of incest and inbreeding, which might account for some of their behaviour. However it is not known whether Fag Phelps is actually inbred or not.
[edit] Turn of the Century: The Shenanigans Continue in Earnest
The turn of the century saw no change whatsoever from Phelps and his ministry, though at times they seemed directionless, picketing post office drop-off boxes, people walking dogs, and day-care centers for Fag children. Often Westboro Baptist Fag Church would protest the idea of protest itself, calling protest a "homosexual mentality" that nobody except Westboro Baptist Fag Church can use. Though a paradoxical viewpoint, they reconcile by protesting paradoxes too, stating that it was invented by the "homo-friendly" Jewish media who like "sodomite-hamburgers!" (Read more below).
The media began to tire of Westboro's antics, and even people being actively picketed began to develop a robust tolerance of the ministry's hateful demonstrating. In a hand-held recording[that everyone wants to watch] of a McDonald's in Fageka being picketed by Phelps and his clan for serving "Fag hamburgers to fags", the manager of the franchise stands near the small cluster of Westboro protesters, shaking his head and smiling. The audio is muffled, but audible:
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: Look, you guys are too much. Seriously.
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but...
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but I think you're attracting more patrons. Could I ask you to just keep it down while the customers enjoy some Big Macs and laugh at you?
PHELPS: You're going to hell, fag!
MANAGER: Look, I'm gay and I'm comfortable with it. I'd just ask you to please keep it down.
PHELPS: Sodomite! You're going to hell to burn with you and your fag hamburgers! None will be saved!
MANAGER: Thanks ever so much.
The video cuts out soon afterwards, but Phelps appears clearly flustered at his inability to rankle anyone, at one point hitting one of his children with his picket.
[edit] Popular Musical Outreach
The Westbro Baptist Church C.D. box set
As part of their major ongoing Mission to alienate every minority(especially Jews), majority(espeecially Fags), and sorority, (especially those Beta Gamma Gamma bastards) other than themselves the Westbro Baptist Church (WBC) have released a new C.D. Box set, in association with Time Life.
The Informercial
'Moaning Old Bastard Classics' The Limited edition WBC, Compact Disc collection featuring Fred Phelps
"A classic set of compilation CD's from a moaning old Bastard." (Rolling Stone)
- Listen to those old time family favorites such as, "Liz Taylor is a Jew bitch slut",
-Romantic memories including, "Vile fags swarm around quilt like maggots",
-and who could forget, "Save the Gerbils"
So order now, for just 39.95 you can get this unique boxed set
And if you order with your WBC Credit card you can get this free bonus CD,‘Throne of iniquity’
-that includes everyone’s favorite hit, “The Queen of England is a Fornicator”
Coming Soon To a Soapbox Near You
Not available in stores
[edit] Acronyms
The WBC have been hosting an annual acronym competition, in order to find a catchy slogans for their important evangelical work
Some examples include
Why Believe in Crishna?
We Bum Cowboys
We Brainwash our Children
Why Be Cristian?
Wheelie Bin Collective
Warsaw Brined Cod
We Blow Christ
(feel free to enter the competition)
[edit] A New Beginning
Fortunately for Westboro, the events of September 11th, 2001 provided ample oppurtunity for Phelps and his brood to protest everything in America anew, especially those soldiers killed fighting the War on Terra.
Subsequently, the malaise towards Westboro that the public had been stricken with at the turn of the century gave way to more of a furious, fist-swinging anger, as the grief of familial loss combined with the sight of a dozen or so braying Midwestern jackasses with nonsensical, ludricrous signs proved too much for most to take.
To this end, Phelps and many members of the Church have suffered cuts, bruises, abrasions, Indian burns, titty twisters, wet willies, broken bones, sprains, dislocated shoulders, pinkbellies, purple nurples, lost teeth, venereal disease, gouged eyes, mouth rapings, lost self-esteem, and even curb stompings. And sometimes these wounds are the result of people outside of the Phelps family. Though externally the repeated beatings (which are tacitly allowed by law enforcement across the country) seem to be dampening the malicious spirit of the Westboro Baptist Fag Church, Phelps (minus several teeth and with a severely shattered nose) continues to preach his special, pointless brand of religious hatred to anyone who will listen, which is currently his own family.
In early 2006, Phelps was seen marching around the Westboro complex wearing a suit made of bubble wrap, holding a sign aloft reading "God is a fag". It is not known if this sign signalled a daring new course of irrational hatred for Phelps and his ministry, for both Phelps and the sign were soon doused by one of the bi-weekly launchings of liquified pig feces delivered by catapult into the compound by members of the state-approved Douse Fag Phelps With Pig Shit Society.
In June of 2006, Dayton, Ohio was named by the Westboro Baptist Fag Church's monthly publication "Fag Beat" as the "Gayest City in the Midwest".
The official doctrine of Westboro Baptist Fag Church is that everyone who is not a member of Westboro Baptist Fag Church is going to hell. Not only this, but abstract ideas that aren't supported by WBFC are regarded as "homo mentality; the ideas will go to Hell. Even the idea of Hell itself will go to Hell if our ideas of Hell are believed by Catholics, Methodists, Baptists not affiliated with us, Eastern Orthodox, Presbyterians, Anglicans, Lutherans, et al. In sum: WBFC believes that our beliefs are the only beliefs that aren't for n00bs. We consider ourselves a very reasonable people in this regard."
[edit] Westboro Fag Church in the Grand Scheme of Things
Phelps and his Church are currently regarded by the denizens of the underworld as having a bright, if less than pleasant, future inhabiting the ninth level of Hell.
[edit] Letter from Satan
Over a prolonged period of time, Satan - The Prince of Darkness - became tired and irate with this so called "Christian Community"'s attempts to promote unnecessary hatred towards the rest of mankind. The implication that God had taken over his job prompted him to write the Westboro Baptist Fag Church a letter via their website.
"Name: I go by many names
Subject: I PLEDGE MY FULL SUPPORT TO YOUR CAUSE
GODHATESFAGS.COM is by far my favourite site on the Internet.
Just the title alone makes me jump with excitement and anticipation. GOD HATES FAGS. Wow, such hatred.... AND it implies that the statement is coming from the big cheese Herself. Since I was cast out of Heaven for rebelling against Her, all those eons ago, GOD has always preached nothing but love, acceptance and compassion in Her countless sermons (the ones those priest guys constantly rant on about). So in Her old age She seems to be contradicting Herself.... not that it bothers me. FINALLY She is seeing my way of life. But why stop there?
Since the beginning of time, I have made it my sole purpose to induce and support unconditional hatred throughout every demographic that exists. So naturally I am filled with JOY (my own dark kind) when I browse through your site. But honestly, who says that we should discriminate towards just homosexuals.... let's not stop there, GOD. So far you have jumped on board with Gays and Lesbians... but there is so much more work to be done. Let me list for you:
Gays and Lesbians (you have my full support GOD)
Caucasians, Asians, Europeans, Polynesians, Blacks and Hispanics
Cowboys and Rednecks
Politicians and Socialites
Truckers and Bikers
Parents who spend their children's inheritances
Parents who don't spend their children's inheritances (I don't like to discriminate)
Priests and Holy Men (let's include the Pope in that one too)
Holy Women (let's face it - there are some, no use pretending there aren't.)
EVERYONE that resides in Hollywood
Tabloid newspaper editors and Gossip Columnists
Anarchists, Christians, Communists, Communalists, Conservatives, Fascists, Feminists, Greens, Muslims, Liberals, Libertarians, Nationalists, Socialists and anyone else with or without a point of view.
AND let's not forget - Fred 'Fag' Waldron Phelps, Sr.
Let's encourage all of the above to stand up for their own beliefs and work tirelessly until the end of their days promoting that anything and everything is wrong and should be quashed! Free speech and a person's right to choose is NOT their right and the entire world's population should bow down and worship me in my FIREY HELL for ALL TIME!
Or you could shut up and let me do my job.
Yours in flames,
Lucifer J Satan >:)
PS: Just to say, Grandpa Phelps is settling in well here, and has met a really nice young man by the name of Milo. Pity you can't see the wedding."
[edit] Quotes on the Westboro Baptist Church
“I'm touched that they've taken time out of their busy schedule to hate me, but don't they have something better to do?”
~ Ian McKellen on the Westboro Baptist Church's lavishing of unwanted attention on him
“Fear is the path to Heaven. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to Heaven.”
“These people have raised the bar on reaction formation. In layman's terms, this church is more flaming than a San Francisco Speedo store. ”
~ Sigmund Freud on Westboro Baptist Church
“The Westboro Baptist Fag Church hate me: I'm not sure whether it's because I am homosexual, literate, smoke cigarettes or because I am a Catholic”
~ Oscar Wilde on Westboro Baptist Church
“The Lord said that those who speak His word and carry out His message shall be hated and condemned. We are hated and condemned, ergo we must be speaking his word!”
~ Westboro Baptist Church on their own fucking horrible logic.
“Westboro Baptist Church? I love those guys! I received my first donkey punch at one of their sermons. Well, when I say 'first' I really mean one hundred and first.”
~ Ann Coulter on Westboro Baptist Church
[edit] Fun Parody WBFC Websites
The God Hates Fags website has achieved sufficient notoriety to be parodied with at least five independent domain names:
- God Hates Rags: a parody protesting hand puppets, specifically the Muppets (features a spoof counter showing the time Jim Henson has "been in Hell")
- God Hates Figs: parody protesting the eating of figs, claiming that they are "cursed by God" (based on a Biblical passage in which Jesus smites a fig tree)
- God Hates Globes: a parody protesting the teaching of a round Earth, believing that "Biblical evidence" proves it is flat
- God Hates Shrimp: a parody protesting the eating of shrimps and similar sea creatures, based on Old Testament provisions that such animals were unclean
- God Hates The Westboro Baptist Church: This is a mockery of the WBC founder.
- Shirley Phelps Roper: Shirley gets damned to Hell on MySpace.
- The Eastboro Baptist Church: a parody which follows the exploits of the fictional Eastboro Baptist Church of Topeka Kansas in their continuous struggle to be more hateful than their Westboro rivals.)
[edit] See Also
- World's Greatest Asshole Competition
- Fleetwood Bible Church
- Cranio-rectal-inversion
- religion
- Picketing
- Jack Chick
- Save the Mammoth Foundation
- "Who Will Kill Fred Phelps First?" Competition
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