What DID ever happen to Robot Jones?
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“Umm...I don't really care what happened to Robot Jones...”
~ Oscar Wilde on how much he gives a crap about what happened to Robot Jones
Robot Jones was often known for his inlet kitten huffing. An addiction that later lead to his mysterious disappearance.
Many Years Ago - "...I remember him from back in grade school! Wow, I haven't see that sonabitch in years. How's that guy doing...? You haven't seen him either? What ever happened to Robot Jones?"
Present Time - Hello. My name is Dr. Thomas Anderson. Many people have been asking a question that's been baffling even the most brilliant scientists for years. Such simple minds like yours do not have the mental capacity to even think of what the question even means. But today, for the first time in history, we're gonna attempt to find the answer to the unsolvable question of life... What DID ever happen to Robot Jones? No matter how many years--DECADES it could take, we will attempt to find the answer.
Contents |
[edit] Background
Robot Jones, as you may have noticed, is a ROBOT. If you didn't figure that out by the name, then run for President in 2016. Otherwise, continue reading.
A documentary on Jones' life was run the network of cartoons and ran for a "non-extended" amount of time. Monumental interviews with Jones and friends of Jones have become archive footage for scientists to study (Yes. They've finally run out of things to study).
In these interviews, friends described him as...well, a fucker who kept his robotic distance. Longtime friend, Jenny XJ-9, discussed with me (Dr. Thomas Anderson, in case you forgot, asshole) about Robot's drug habit. This is what I could describe as one of 'the most fucked up drug addictions I've heard of...he apparently liked to stick an extension cord into a kitten's ass and electronically huff it.
And you didn't believe me.
[edit] Equipment Necessary
[edit] You will need the following items in order to follow us on this journey:
- A trenchcoat.
- A magnifying glass (because everybody knows that every crime in history has been solved with a magnifying glass).
- Binoculars.
- An assistant.
- A fucking powerful gun to shoot small, furry animals with.
- The Mystery Machine.
[edit] The Beginning Of This Extended Journey
To begin this journey, we've began in San Francisco. It's 2:13 A.M. A man just asked if he could buy me a drink. His strange obsession with rainbows baffled me, so I declined. We've caught a trolley from downtown to get at this exact spot. My assistant was gunned down by a Grateful Dead fan...and I can see your face was run over by a car. This has been an unfortunate 2 minutes. I'm contemplating homicide to the 2nd degree... Well I guess it can't get much worWHAT THE FUCK IS THAT...? AHHHHHHHHHHH...!
[edit] The End Of This Shortened Journey
Note: article has been webjacked by you. You've been fucking warned.
In conclusion, do not...for the sake of your face, DO NOT go to San Francisco in search to find the answer of what did ever happen to Robot Jones. It is impossible to find the answer to this. You will only run into a sequence of bad things...like Phil Collins...fuckin' Phil Collins. I've also found that none of the items or materials that Dr. Anderson recommended has come into any use. But I did get to burn my eyeballs out with the magnifying glass so I don't have to witness the travesty of ignorance anymore. It was a sunshiney day. Just a big ball of fuckin' sunshine...
Besides...everybody knows that Robot Jones just got canceled off of television...so, I guess all of this work was kind of unnecessary, considering that both Dr. Thomas Anderson and his assistant are dead though indescribably stupid reasons...
[edit] The End of The End of This Shortened Journey
In this conclusion's conclusion: San Francisco is fucked up.
Tune in on Nickelodeon next week for a new special episode of Wet Girls and Wild Parties 4!
