What I Didn't Know about Romania
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[edit] Alpha and Omega of Romania: boringness
"Nice country, stupid people." humans say. In fact, Romanians are animal-like werewolves gone insane that mimic the original human life forms. This only goes on as long as somebody's watching. Boring, huh? Yeah. I know. This is why-
[edit] Early History
Romania is a "Carpato - Danubiano - Pontic" place, meaning it's near a great mountain and a treasure,
[edit] Main History
Then the Romans came, saw, conquered - and left behind a good chunk of the gene pool, called the Dacians.
The Ottomans came, saw, conquered, but didn't leave many genes behind, instead chosing to take genes, because they were currently on sale for $15.
The Austro-Hungarians came, saw, and conquered too, and took many genes with them also because they were still on sale.
The Communists came, saw, conquered, and attempted to multiply the gene pool, with disastrous effects that are still being adopted by desperate childless North Americans today.
Romanians never conquered anybody, because they were good, behaved, feared God, and have many secret traditions not to be shared with other inferior nations. But mostly because they don't give a rat's ass about about what other people do. Unless they say something bad about Hagi, then it's World War 3.
[edit] Recent History
After trying to eat rocks, laughing at death, putrefying under conquerors and learning how to act positive while in the light from Communists for 2000 years, they did not do very much at all.
[edit] You Know You're Romanian When
You grew up on liver sandwiches.... and thought that was normal.
You make your own noodles.
You haven't bathed in years.
Everything you eat is savored in garlic and onions, and not because of vampires or werewolves.
You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal. And then find out you are actually early.
All your children have nick names, which sound nowhere close to their real names. Valid only if you have a permanent suntan.
You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
You can fit 10 people into a Dacia and still have room for all their suitcases.
You get inside a bus and you can smell the romanian essence and hear shit popular music from the back, called "manele". A good way of saluting them is the method "hit and run", it's like a salute to them. Hint: try using a baseball bat and a bullet proof vest, run by screaming "muie ba manelistilor"
Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can... it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
You have lace curtains.
You have lace tablecloths.
You have rugs covering every inch of your house.
You have or had rugs on your walls.
Your mom tells you you're too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
You ever heard of ciorba de burta'.
You have curtains hanging across every doorway.
You know someone that married his girlfriend of 2 months.
Your mom is the doctor of the house and force feeds you medicine for anything ranging from a headache, stomach ache to a stubbed toe.
Your house is full of Romanian medicine that is probably illegal here.
You and your friends have ever been kicked out of a restaurant or recreational park for being too loud or rowdy.
Your mom recycles plastic cups and paper plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
You don't know how to use a dishwasher or have ever seen one.
You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
Your dad ever butchered a pig or lamb.
You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (Got free with some household items).
Your mom ever chased you with a rolling pin or a broom telling you to stop so that she could hit you.
Your dad ever told you to smack yourself over the mouth for being disrespectful.
Your mom washes your clothing at 40.
Asking if you can get a discount at a discount store on clearance items is normal and not embarrassing for your parents.
You don't use measuring cups when cooking, or have ever seen one.
You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
You can only travel if there are at least 5 people seeing you off or receiving you, whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, they discover they're talking to a distant cousin.
Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
It's "normal" if there are 600 guests to your wedding.
You don't know half the people at your wedding because your parents invited them.
You have mastered the art of bargaining in grocery shopping.
You walk out of the grocery store with no less then two packed shopping carts weekly.
Your parents brew their own wine and plum brandy.
Despite being in Canada, your parents answer the phone saying "alo? Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc."
Your parents love to shop at "Weinners"
You say "La Mulţi Ani" for every holiday.
Your parents return 98% of their purchases (and most of the time the stuff is definitely used)
You know the names of all the countries in Europe, unlike the rest of the Europeans. These countries are Romania, Moldova, Dacia, and the Soviet Union.
You know foreign languages: Bad Romanian, Lovari Gypsy, Swampish French, Italianeza and Frenglish.
You can actually cook goat testicles and raccoon tongues, not just buy fast food.
You've learned maths by the time you're 7, and still can't count.
[edit] Celebrations and National Holidays
The Floods “The Floods” are Romanian national holidays. They are celebrated every year by gypsies, sometimes several times per year. Romania has five hundred holy holidays per year, out of which only a maximum of 200 are floods.
The priests declared The Floods holy after their church went on a trip to the sea side with the hill it was built on.
The Floods represent the close relationship between humans and nature (no, it doesn’t mean that they are human nature itself). The Floods happen in other countries, but only in Romania they are celebrated so grimly and with so much showiness that they recently become national holydays. The people of Romania are very proud of these floods, that recently the government has created a pressure group in the European Union forums to buy the patent on The Floods so that, if others countries want to have Floods, they must pay an enormous amount of money to romanian people. The church declared The Floods holy and is against it.
The Floods are maintained by “shpaga” (bribe), corruption, propaganda and popular vote (Romania is a democracy, isn’t it?). The mechanism is the following: a local governor takes “shpaga” from a company (more often the company belongs to the Minister of Environment or his wife); the company ensures the corrupted governor that he will make the improvements of the beds of the rivers “de mantuiala” so that “The Floods” take place at least one year. Are you still following? During “The Floods” the Prime Minister appear on TV wearing rubber-boots and impressing the people. At the elections the people vote for him and this way the local governor and the minister are kept in function to prepare next year “Floods”. Simple and efficient!!!
During “the Floods” all social and professional categories in Romania are participating
1) The country-people. They are the “stars” of all these days because they directly participate in the “actions”. The younger-ones flee from the water as fast as they can, leaving their parents with their animals behind. The 30-50 years old people untie the cattle, the horses and the dogs and then they flee too. The elder ones, if they are not fast enough to catch a horse or a cow, they ascend on the roofs, waiting for the wave to come. The oldest of the oldest remain in their homes waiting for the waters and politicians to come and wash their brains. There is a special category of country people, the enterprising-ones, who "ciordesc" (see "Ciordeala") the goods of the ones who fled.
2) The urban-people. They are the passive-aggressive category. They stay in homes and watch TV. “The Floods” are transmitted live by Catalin Radu Tanase (a.k.a. Dezastre). The most of them spend the 10-15 minutes after the transmission cursing the authorities because they cannot participate directly to the events. Sometimes some of the local governors take “shpaga” (bribe) from certain companies closely related to PSD (Social Democrat Party), giving them in return the honor to prepare the field and the rivers for next year Floods, so that the cities too can enjoy The Floods.
3) Mass-Media. Mass-Media in Romania takes the opportunity to earn some money by improving the audience. They send Catalin Radu Tanase to the place of action, he takes the scuba-diving suit and a gun (just in case) and makes live transmissions on TV. He likes to stay half-submerged while broadcasting. The public in Romania can hardly wait for a volcano eruption.
4) Politicians. The politicians are the other active category in “The Floods”, but they are more sophisticated. They appear at the place of the action only if Mass-Media and Catalin Radu Tanase are there. Their “job” is to walk in rubber-boots impressing both country and urban people and to make promises that “The Floods” will take place next year too. And they do!
5) Business people. Let's say you are a business man from Bucharest (if you're not from Bucharest, you moved to Bucharest some time ago to do business). Let's then assume you tried some 40 years ago four times to finish your third grade and didn't manage it. That's no problem in Bucharest! Just arrange the following with your best buddy you know from your second-time third grade, who is something between "minister for education, family, forest, European Affairs and church" and prime-minister: this friend of yours gives you some three billion euros (or dollars, doesn't matter) from the ministry funds for education (or something else, it really doesn't matter what the money was for) and you give nobody nothing in return. The only thing you have to take care of is distracting the people from noticing this great deal - so you organize a flood. The Romanian people do enjoy seeing other Romanian people losing everything they have more than seeing themselves betrayed by the people they voted for and, of course, will vote for again during the next elections.
6) Poets and priests. They chant and enchant The Floods so that they keep coming. They are the main category responsible for the misery of others, because their chanting puts the forest trees' roots to sleep, making the soil unsteady, deranged and prone to natural disasters like cash-flow.
Romania Day
Romania Day is a day during which Romanians put on their finest clothing they found in the garbage, bathe for the first time that year, and gather together in the village's oldest pig sty. They then proceed to roll around in pig-shit while singing the Romanian national anthem. Afterwards, the men skip down the main dirt road while playing grab-ass with eachother, while the women sit around and boil goat intestines for dinner. After the men are finished playing grab-ass, they all get naked and steal the virginity of the youngest sheep in the village one after another. After this ritual, they feast on the boiled intestines, and have a gay romanian fuckfest until the wee hours of the morning.
[edit] Other Activities
Mintrubbing (see here mintrubbing)
Tzeapa From Dracula's favourite toy, tzeapa (impale) is now a very nice piece of Romanian folklore. Romanian people can give you such thing before you know it but nothing is more likely to happen while one's in Ploiesti the capital of PH county ... PH is the short of "Patria Hotilor" (thiefs country). Also known as "bone" in english.
- Tzepesh (the impaler)
- Dracula's real name, he used "tzeapa" to kill lots of turks who use to bore to death Romanian people in the dark ages with their futile expansionist attempts.
Tzepesh the impaler was the original pornographer. He has used humongous wood "tzepe" to punish real hard turk invaders, criminals and thieves. Pornography has since inspired many movies and has finally become an international cultural phenomenon.
Ciordeala Ciordeala is the noun for the verb "a ciordi" which means to steal, to jack. Ciordeala is a national sport practiced every day and every night. There are various forms for "ciordeala" and those who don't practice "ciordeala" practice for sure other sports like "manareala":
1. Jacking your people and the economy - is the exclusive attribute of the government and other structures. The leaders are also known as "Dinosaurs" and include Miron Mitrea, Ion Iliescu, Rodica Stanoiu, Dan Ioan Popescu, Pajiste (brainless zombie) and other members of the structures. Punishment - They are forced to transfer all the stolen money outside the country (ouch!!!!)
2. Stealing from your neighbour - most preferred are goods like chicken or horseshit. Punishment - at least 3 years time. (compare with no. 1)
3. Corporate jacking - you act like you work, they act like they pay you. - aka "stealing your own hat" (sa-ti furi singur caciula)
4. Others - American style (bank robbing and shit), Gipsy style (ciordeala in the bus, in the tube etc.), etc etc etc (Romanian people are very inventive so the list goes on)
5. Romanians also like taking advantage of the inferior race called Americans... Example: Getting money from stupid American credit card owner or selling aircraft on eBay to intelligent Americans that think this deal is real...
The other form ( and more advanced)of " ciordeala" is what a group of men are doing with a rifle,"pump-action" and other scary guns.This men are also named "racheti" and are originally from Moldova (U.R.S.S.-United Russian Simple Shit).They are organized in a group with various names such as: "turma","haita"...Their actions emulate those of Robin Hood but in a more chaotic fashion.They steal from anyone and don't give anything to anybody. They are sometimes called "fratii nostri de peste Prut" ("Our brothers from over the Prut river" - The Prut is the river that divides Romania from the Republic of Moldavia). So if you plan on visiting Romania you must carry a rocket-launcher or come with an Apache helicopter. From us, best regards!Please visit us!!Your cars are already here, anyway.
And you should know that the government is punishing CIORDEALA very hard. Because they hate to have competitors.
[edit] Driving
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers Valentino Rossis, and Tudor Fils. The only rule is: there are no rules and only the best survives. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs), or working brakes, so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch lanes don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). It is because of this wreckless driving that many of them find jobs as pizza-delivery guys in North America, as they are most efficient in following the "30-minutes or it's free" policy. When Romanian drivers immigrate to North America, their favourite car is a white mid-90's Ford Taurus. Romanian drivers have the unusual habit of slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more so if the words "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" are written on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch out... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to make sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventualy). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction! Another Romanian driving habit is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to endow the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth(slobod la gura). Another form of enlightement is talking on the cell phone while driving. This helps the driver concentrate on the road. The cell phone is usually accompanied by a cigarette bought from the "bisnitari" (a form of highly sophisticated tradesmen), though nobody knows how the steering of the car actually takes place in this condition. Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even a alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania it is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants (redneckish)." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - even made from wood and painted in a different colour than the car - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usually combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Nowadays it's a must to have a sticker on your car as a proof of your tuning ... RIEGER, ZENDER are very common... and some white stripes (Viper Style stripes). If u have all the above and you don't have some extra lights on your car than all your work has been in vain. For that purpose you can use lighbulbs designed for home use, leftover Xmas lights etc. The heigh of elegance for a car is to have curtains and a dog in the rear window bouncing his head. Also if you don't wear a couple of big fake-gols bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI" (also something TARANESC; they are hand made by nomad gypsies from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very shitty), there's a great chance that a guy with a strange looking uniform, driving the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood, will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI must be combined with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.
A new rule for some special romanian drivers... if u have a Logan car (basically this is a tuna fish can with some stupid wheels) you can drive on the middle of the road... and try to stop others from passing you. Ambulances and other emergency cars must never be allowed to pass you... If you make a mistake and someone tells you that, you just use your middle finger to say you're sorry... even if you know that you are a looser and someday you will be beaten for this smart and kind gesture...
Driving In Bucharest easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on the sidewalk. Hint: start your
- if the sidewalk is full, go on the local river(Dambovitza), it has three speed lines.
- if Dambovitza is full, and you're car doesn't have "puradei" crusher ("puradei" are the pedestrians who often use Dambovitza's lines) ou can easily join a waiting line, with the other drivers. They'll be happy to see you, don't worry, they spit on you as welcoming gesture.
- if you're lost, ask a local show you the way. Hint: always take the opposite direction.
- if you are getting stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them.
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
- if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has buried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca pula unghiile." which means "Sir, have a great day, thank you for your existance"
- if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Bai muie, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje (muie). Or end up in "Petrosani", a.k.a. shithole. The sister city of "Petrosani" is the well known Philadelphia, Pensylvannia. Hint: Petrosani is located in the Transylvannia region like Penssylvania. Resemblance? None at all...
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a proper Romanian driver if you can't swear properly. And you definitely can't be a Bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself. No problem, you can learn that very easy from local tv, they're teaching the kids this way.
P.S.: no driver in Bucharest is a local, all locals drive in the Danube Delta, proud home of Bird Flu (Romanian: "gripa aviara")
