The Wheel of Time
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“I am the Dragon Reborn!”
“I don't mean to blow my own horn, but when I do, all the heroes come.”
~ Mat Cauthon
“Aragorn? Who's Aragorn? Never heard of him! ... now if you don't mind I'm going to reclaim the throne of my ancestors.”
~ al'Lan Mandragoran
The Wheel of Time also known as The Waste of Time is a series of 17th Century fashion and interior design novels written by Robert Jordan (AKA: Reagan O’Neal, Jackson O’Reilley, Bela, Jak o’ the Shadows, Chang Lung, dependent upon incarnation in any given Age.)
The first novel in the Wheel of Time series was published in 1385 NE, with subsequent novels being released in following decades, centuries and Ages. The ninety-second and most recent novel - Spork of Dreams - was published in 2005 AD.
An enthralling series containing plenty of fast-paced tea sipping, much smoothing of skirts and more braid-pulling moments than you can shake half a spear at, the Wheel of Time has held the attention of over nine readers for the past 17 years. The popularity of the series has led to many other less-accomplished authors imitating the plot, themes and characters of the Wheel of Time, resulting in such novels as The Lord of the Rings, The Great Gatsby, The Bible, and the Cat in the Hat.
Contents |
[edit] Plot Summaries
- "The Wheel of Time series expands novel by novel, and centuries come and pass, leaving behind coherent plots that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when Elayne takes her seventh bath in one novel. In one Age, called Anno Domini by some, an Age yet to come, and Age long past, a wind rose in the literary wilderness, spinning tumbleweed across an empty dirt-packed road. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings, endings nor plot resolutions to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was another beginning."
So begins every novel in J.R.R. Tolkien Robert Jordan's epic series of great novels.
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Professor Xavier lives, Wallace is the were-rabbit, Earth is the computer designed to calculate the Ultimate Question, Janus grows up to be Magus, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Edmund, Goneril, Regan, Lear, Cordelia and Gloucester all die in the last scene, Piggy and Simon both die, but Ralph and Jack are rescued, Captain America bequethed his shield to Stephen Colbert, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Soon into the first novel the main character, Sir Lord Thatcher, is surprised to learn that he is a regular man unlike any other, with no extra-ordinary powers. Naturally this comes as a frustration of the Alliance of Skirt-Smoothers who realise they have found the wrong man so early in the lengthy epic series. Following his trial, execution and unexpected resurection as a small cat, neutering, excecution, and less-unexpected resurrection as Rand al'Thor, Thatcher opted to spend the remainder of the novel series as an additional character in the Wizard of Oz - as a man with a woolen head.
[edit] The Eye of the World
Rand and his friends journey to the far, far, FAR south and discover a huge, tall, and hard, cylindrical volcano. Journeying inside through the fabled "Eye", and down the long, long, shaft, Rand finds a pool of pure, white, sticky stuff and, after causing the volcano to erupt using the ancient (and quite erotic) technique taught him by his father Tam, uses this thick substance to ensnare a couple of old dudes and beat up some Trollz.
[edit] The Great Hunt
Rand and his friends search for the fabled lost Skin Flute that will summon the Spirits of Playboys Past, but get seperated. Rand uses the ancient (and quite erotic) technique taught him by his father Tam to save and arouse the passions of a mysterious young woman who captivates him with her beauty. He also learns he can control the power of S'eyman, but unlike the pool he found at the bottom of the Eye of the World, it is yellow and chunky with the Dark One's taint. He knows it will drive him mad, but he cannot quit tasting of it. The novel ends with Rand's friend Matrim blowing the Skin Flute with all of his strength, summoning Artur Hefner and his band to dispel the invading Scrotan.
[edit] The Dragon Reborn
Rand leaves his friends and journeys alone, knowing he must journey to the Kidney Stone and grasp the fabled hilt of The Shaft That Is Not A Shaft and pull as hard as he can in order to finally lay to rest whether or not he is the reincarnation of Louis Anderson. His friends vainly try to catch up with him throughout the novel, despite the fact he is walking and they have much faster modes of transportation such as horses, but despite all their efforts they arrive just in time to take place in the epic battle with Babblefish.
[edit] The Shadow Rising
Rand decides he must journey across the Spine of the World and recruit the Assil to his cause, assured by some Assil who helped him take the Kidney Stone that he is indeed the Ass'a'ssarn, the fabled messiah of the Assil. There in the desert of the Assil, Rand and Matrim find a deep, deep crevasse, extending for miles north and south, and the city at its center hidden from sight by miles and miles of festering, brown marshes and small, red volcanoes. Within the city Rand must pass his test to determine if he is the true Ass'a'ssarn.
But evil forces plot about him, one to assassinate him, another to protect him for her own evil purposes. Luckily for Rand, one is a spoony bard, and the other a psycho, clutchy broad. At this point he only has the hawts for two chicks, only one of which is actually putting out, but hey, give the man time. Jeez. Meanwhile, Perrin saves Mesopotamia, betwixt The Two Rivers, and puts an end to Whitecrotch and Trollz infestations alike.
[edit] The Fires of Heaven
Rand, with his Assil behind him, wages war on a rival Assil leader and finally buggers him. He gets intimate with YET ANOTHER lady, assuring his position with the Spirits of Playboys Past. He then turns his sights on yet another villain, a hawt George Clooney lookalike, who has allegedly killed one of his many ladies' mommy. That clutchy broad is killed by Rand's mentor, who may also have met her fate...well, no, she didn't, she's still alive as of Knife of Dreams...whoops!
Note: Now that the plot of a book has been spoiled for you, you are free to kill yourself.
[edit] Lord of Chaos
Rand, now intimate with the entire woman warrior sect of the Assil, besides his choice ladies, fearful that Matrim may try to score some action with them sends Mat and his Band of the Red 'Hind to go get The Female Cast out of yet ANOTHER predicament (which they got into with much braid-pulling and wanting-to-screaming). They promptly tell Mat to get bent, as the predicament hadn't actually happened this time (a surprise, to be sure), but let him wander along with them to see if he can possibly be useful. Meanwhile, Rand hires a false Louis Anderson to do his bidding, but gets kidnapped by some AsSedai.
He is barely saved by a small force led by Perrin, said force containing like 10,000 super-trained warriors, and witches, and Rand's wizards who explode heads, and stuff, against like 10,000 other super-trained warriors caught in a clinch between Perrin's force and a bunch of other super witches. Oh, and Perrin had wolves, too, but assuredly this was a dramatic engagement in which we weren't sure Rand would survive. Rand DOES survive, but is rather sore after all that time spent alone with only Lady #2 for company.
[edit] A Crown Of Swords
Rand enjoys long philosophical discussions with Lady #2 while Mat Cauthon and The Female Cast almost get murdered by Gollum, all over a Bowl of Hot Winds. Mat Cauthon saves The Female Cast's lives, but he really could've done a much better job of it. He then goes and gets hit by a building. "Good job, worthless."
Rand, after many days spent brooding over his course of action with Lady #2, decides to take on Sammyboy after tricking him into thinking he was going to attack through the front door; instead, Rand goes in the back door, hard and fast. He and Sammyboy duke it out before the Great White Snake devours Sammyboy whole.
Published on August 9th, 1957.
In Mecca, Saudi Arabia
[edit] The Path of Daggers
Rand decides he had best pay some attention to the Scrotan unless they get jealous, what with him paying so much attention to the Assil, so he goes to war with them. Unfortunately, The Shaft That Is Not A Shaft malfunctions and the resulting blast of S'eyman decimates both Rand's army and covers the Scrotan.
Meanwhile, The Female Cast leaves Mat to his sure death and FINALLY uses The Bowl of Hot Winds, and then Lady #1 puts forth her claim on the Lyin' Throne. Perrin goes to meet the Profit, but his wife, The Only Lady in his life, the poor dog, gets kidnapped, setting the precursor for three books worth of endless drudgery as he wanders after her in the snow.
Rand repels an attack by the Assaman in his service, led by one of his own bodyguards, who turns out to be the resurrected form of someone he killed like, forever ago and who we completely forgot about.
[edit] Winter's Heart
Rand engages in a multi-facet discussion with Ladies #1, 2, and 3, including a yelling match about why he was sleeping around so much and a lot of make-up sex, and then hunts down some traitor Assaman.
Perrin accomplishes absolutely nothing but wandering through some snow.
The Female Cast accomplishes absolutely nothing, but get a lot of braid-pulling done.
Mat kidnaps one of those bald-headed African-American models, you know, those ones who would be hawt if they had hair? Yeah, those ones. Anyway, she turns out to be the Princess he is bound to marry, as their marriage was pre-arranged by their Hindu fathers. Thus begins a long and loving relationship of Mat getting his chops busted.
Rand decides he must attempt to cleanse the Dark One's taint from S'eyman, and all out battle rages as he funnels S'eyman into the dark hole that is the Great White Snake's natural home.
[edit] Crossroads of Twilight
Nothing happens. In 800 pages. Rand broods a little, but he's not in the book.
[edit] Knife of Dreams
Lady #1 gains the Lyin' Throne, lays down the law on some AsSedai, and otherwise does something for once. Eggshell gets captured by Elaida, and undermines The White Shaft from the inside.
Mat gets his rocks hammered incessantly by Princess, but eventually he saves her life, and she decides to marry him, despite the fact he could've done a way better job of it. She then goes home and takes over the Scrotan Empire. Oh yeah, did I mention she's the Scrotan Princess. That's Kinda important.
Perrin brings and end to utter drudgery by finding the Assil renegades who stole away his wife, The Only Lady in his life, the poor dog, and poisoning them all with an herb to numb their ability to use V'ahgyna, the female equivalent of S'eyman, and then run right on in and beat them senseless with a hammer and a knife, instead of an axe, because hammers are supposedly more humane than axes. Yeah. At the end of the day, The Only Lady is saved, and there was much rejoicing.
Rand decides he'll meet with Princess, but it turns out be a trap. Sadist is there to greet him, but he binds her, though he loses his hand in the process, making him angrily start practicing with his left at bringing forth S'eyman and wielding his Little Shaft That Is Not A Shaft.
One of Rand's childhood friends decided to take over a society of super witches that control the world. She enjoys being punished and has taken to torturing herself in her downtime.
The novel ends with many a person scratching their heads and saying aloud to their empty room in their parent's basment, "Wait--what the heck is a knife of dreams?"
[edit] A Memory of Light
Not much is known about A Memory Of Light at this point, although most people assume it has something to do with those purple spots that appear on your vision when you look at too-bright lights.
In the story, Rand will die, and save the world. Mat will survive (somehow, since the author has revealed he plans to write a book 5 years after this one, and he'll be alive). And I'm sure we can expect lots more torturing and strange rituals involving women being naked.
It has also been speculated that Rand will "pull a jesus" in otherwords take the overused plot device of dying then returning to life, or wearing really long stilts and walking across a lake calling to his friends to walk out on water to him so they'll fall in the water get wet and look like complete and utter assholes much to the delight of all around.
Unfortunately the book ain't gonna come out for another fucking ten years cause the author died..... so all of the nerd fans will just have to go play World of Warcraft until his wife decides to write the damn thing for him.
Note: The book hasn't come out yet, so please don't tell these spoilers to other people.
[edit] Quotes
“You're balefired!”
~ Rand "Randy" al'Thor
“Look Mat, just pick six numbers for me, between one and forty-nine. Never mind why, just do it!”
~ Rand "Randy" al'Thor
“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.”
~ Elayne Trakand
“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.”
~ Ishamael
“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.”
~ Loial
“Nynaeve angry! Nynaeve channel!”
~ Nynaeve
