Wheeling Jesuit University/People/Kevin Quirk
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Very Reverend Kevin M. Quirk | ||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
| ||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||
Contents |
[edit] Early life
Quirk was born on 4 March, 1976, in Washington DC, where he attended Prodigy High School, a magnet school for children born with metahuman abilities. At the age of eight, Quirk displayed signs of elementary mind-control and hypnosis, and he was trained in this fashion with the intent of working for the CIA.
After graduating from Prodigy High School, Quirk attended Wheeling Jesuit University, finishing with a triple degree in theology, philosophy, and underwater basket weaving. Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, recognising Quirk's brilliance and superhuman gifts, secretly tapped him for the purposes of hiring him as a mercenary for the Society of Jesus, in the hope that he would be able to deliver a "crushing blow" to the Jesuit resistance.
[edit] Later life
[edit] Call to the priesthood
During his final year at WJU, Quirk felt a calling to serve the Lord. After graduation, Quirk enrolled in the Julius II Seminary in preparation for the priesthood, after which he was assigned to the Wheeling-Charleston diocese, much to his chagrin. Despite numerous offers by Fed Acker Huang to join his elite corps of Jesuit Black Guards, Quirk refused every offer, claiming "chastity and obedience I can deal with. Poverty? Uh uh."
Eager to leave "the Valley" as soon as possible, he enrolled in the Innocent III School of Pontifical Driving, where he completed his doctoral thesis The Mandate to Slay Protestants: Its Development in History, Signification in the Lex Vigens, and Application in the United States. This thesis was awarded the St. Joseph's Very Smart Catholic Thesis award in 1994, which was presented to Rev. Quirk by John Paul II himself.
[edit] Wheeling Jesuit University
He returned to the Wheeling-Charleston diocese shortly thereafter and remained there until 2004. With the defeat of Dr. X by ITS agents, WJU was in desperate need of a philosophy professor, and Quirk decided to answer the call. He was jointly interviewed by both El Presidente and Dr. M, both of whom were anxious to see if he was joining the WJU community for the purposes of supporting either the Council of Light or the League of Evil. In actuality, Quirk was a spy for the Vatican, who had grown increasingly concerned as to the effects the Jesuit Wars were having on American Catholics.
However, Quirk became an increasingly popular professor, culminating with the creation of Fans of KMQ Society. As a result, it became increasingly difficult for him to remain as an "objective bystander", especially when observing the crimes against humanity perpetrated by Great White Mother and others. In a move that would later be harshly criticised by the Vatican, Quirk covertly joined the Council of Light during the Infinity Saga, when Lundius Superbus attempted to trap Job's soul and use it to break open Fed Acker Huang's dimensional prison.
[edit] Currently
Due to his involvement with partisan movements within Wheeling Jesuit University, the Vatican recalled Quirk from his mission, instead assigning him as a keeper for Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Flint, Michigan. He now serves as an aide to Pope Benedict XVI, and has authored many articles on canon law, mediæval law, the teaching office of the church, and how to build your own machine gun. He is also in the running for recognition as a Doctor of the Church for his services to the Vatican.
[edit] Powers
Very Rev. Kevin Quirk is one of the world's foremost psychics and telekenetics, able to break into the minds of one or hundreds of people at once and control them. He is able to even break into the minds of Immortals. He is also able to generate telekenetic fields, allowing him to remotely control all manner of objects.
A natural mutation allows Quirk to exude pheromones that make him irresistibly attractive to all women. His invariable response to all women regarding this is, "What part of 'celibacy' don't you understand?".
In addition to his powers, he is a master of jujitsu and a foremost scholar of Roman Catholic doctrine, and owns enough firearms to run a small army of his own.
[edit] External link
- A false biography of Kevin M. Quirk - this document was released by the Vatican in order to shroud his true purposes.
- The Journals of the Very Reverend Kevin M. Quirk
