White People
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G'day, mates! Welcome to Safari Joe's Tour of the World! As always, I'm yer host, Safari Joe! Now, t'day, kids, we're gonna be learnin' about a new kinda creature. They're very common, and there's a good chance you've seen one of 'em before! They're called White People. In their native lands, some people call 'em crackaz, but that's really just a common misconception about 'em, kids, because, unlike what most people think, white people don't actually "crack". In fact, they aren't really white, either. They're mostly pink! Strange how nature works that way, ain't it? So, t'day, I'll teach you everything you ever wanted to know about this strange species, and you'll even learn some strange an' bizarro things along the way!
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[edit] Where do white people live, Safari Joe?
Ah, good question, kids! White people can be found across North America, as well as most of Europe. Some people think there's white people in Asia, but again, that's not true. Those people are really yellow! All right, so now that we know where they live, how 'bout we go out in the field an' try teh find some, eh? Yeah! Let's go!
[edit] White People, Nature's Killin'-est Folks
White People are known for invading other nations, and killing/raping their inhabitants(e.g. Christopher Columbus), especially if these nations involve the coloreds, or other White People who have an improperly cut jib.
Next scene
Hey again, kids! We're here in the heart of New York City! Quite a jungle, ain't it? Now, let's look around, and see if we can find some of those beasts! Make sure to keep a sharp eye out, 'cuz those little buggers can sneak up behind you!
*Safari Joe scans the area*
Ah! Look ova' there! Look! See him? Yeah! What a beaut! He's quite the beast, he is! Now, be sure to stay quiet and low, kids, because those little buggers can become enraged and charge if threatened. Wow... That there's quite a beauty! You know, kids, some people think that just because they are so large and round in stature, that must mean they are docile and peaceful creatures. No, that ain't the case at all! I've seen men gored by mammoth white people like that! They aren't nice to yeh if you disturb 'em! Oh, oh, look kids! See? There's another one! Ohh, it's a female too! We may just be lucky enough to see their primitive mating rituals!
[edit] What are their mating rituals?
Well, y'know, that's just what I think we're about teh find out! Look, look there! See? The male there took notice of the female! Now, what's he doing? He appears to be checking her out. Seeing if he likes her, I assume. Oh, look there! He just made his move! See how he whacked her on her posterior there with his appendage? I b'lieve that was his show of dominance! Ohhh, I don't think the female is going to stand down, though! See, she just smacked him right across his muzzle! Poor bloke! Better luck next time!
Y'know, kids, if we're lucky, we may just be able to witness a successful mating ritual here! Oh, see, look over there! See that female there? In the alley! See her? Look, she just stopped a guy there. Looks like they're somehow communicating... And there she goes, she just took him down into that alley. That must be her living den. Oh, see, they're going at it! They both appear to be shedding their skin... And now they're getting some! Ouhhh, would ya look at 'em goin' at it?? I've never seen such action! This is amazing, kids! A once in a lifetime experience! Look at that! What a sight! Ohhhhh!
[edit] What do white people eat?
Good question, kids! White people aren't particularly known to be picky when it comes to their diets. They're known to eat almost anything. In fact, I myself have seen a white person once eating a whole stack of cow meat! A whole stack! When you think about how these creatures eat, that itself explains their general form, as well as their abnormally short lifespans. But, in general, white people like anything high in calories. Keeps 'em satisfied, and gives them the energy they need to lug their excessive body fat! Grease is a known favorite of white people. I've seen a man put grease on a gym sock once, and a white person grabbed it right out of his hand and gobbled it down! Quite a sight, it was. During times of famine, however, white people have to resort to different foods for consumption. A favorite of white people during hardship is raw Mexican. See, look over there! Look! Did you see that Mexican male there? He just got pulled into that alleyway! Ohhh, you can tell by the screaming that he's just become part of the food chain. It's a sad ending, but of course, that's the way nature works.
[edit] What should one do if confronted by a white person?
Ah, excellent question! Now, like I said before, white people can become enraged if threatened. If you find yourself staring down a chargin' white man, don't fear, kids! Use your brain! Remember, white people are known to have poor eyesight and incredibly slow reflexes. Some of the slowest in the animal kingdom! So, if you're bein' charged, the best thing to do is to run at 90° angles. Because of their high body mass index, white people have difficulty turning at high velocities, an' so if you run directly perpendicular to their path, you should be able to get enough of a head start to make it to safety! Also, if there's a McDonald's restaurant nearby, you can run in, buy a Big Mac, run back out, and throw the burger in the air as a distraction to the angry white person. This is normally a reliable method. And, of course, if you can't do any of these things, you can always hold up a poster of John McCain (don't be silly, kids, I know you all have 'em in your pockets!). This poster is usually sufficient to calm the raging beast, and he will let you on your way.
[edit] Anything else, Safari Joe?
Well, y'know, there's just far too much to go into about this fascinating species in just one show, kids! But, if you are really interested in learnin' more, just go to your local library, and check out a book on white people! They're all over the place, as many an author has taken interest in these amazing creatures.
[edit] Uh, Safari Joe?
Hm?
You may want to move out of the way...
Huh? Why?
Because there's a giant white man coming right at you!!
Aw, don't be silly. I'd hear him from a mile away if'n he were chargi--
CRIKEY!!
*Brief pause*
And that's all for now, kids! Join me again next week for another exciting episode of...
Safari Joe's Tour of the World!
