Whitney Houston
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| This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory. We mean rewrite it! |
“Houston, you have a problem”
~ Tom Hanks on Whitney Houston
“Kiss my ass”
~ Whitney Houston on Tom Hanks
“She has embarrassed us. And that takes a lot to do.”
~ Mayor of Newark, NJ on Whitney Houston
“She be mine”
~ Master Toto on Whitney Houston
Whitney Houston. The name is synonymous with love, hate, ar and bee music, pop, fat, beef jerky, soul, black, proud, and most recently, crack.
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The Woman
Born 13.250,0000 years before Bill Clinton and the invention of the Saber Tooth Tiger, Whitney Houston is a popular singer from the 1300's and beyond. As a child, she grew up in the House of The Dead and went to school for 2 hours. Dreaming of being a popstar, Whitney escaped her life in the House of The Dead and pursued life as a singer.
In the year 1970-something (or not), Whitney released a song that gained the attention of seven people from The Bronx and Easter Island. Gaining immense poularity after that, she went on to produce more hit songs including, "I Just Ate Food Very Quickly and Almost Lost Sight of Your Beautiful Eyes" and "Tablecloth-Like Heart".
The Controversy
After 750,000,000,000,000,000,000 years of fame, Whitney's fame started to fall. She married Bobby Brown, her granfather's wives's daughter's son. Living together happily, they fought and got involved with 270,000 types of drugs. After 7 seconds in light years of marriage, Whitney divorced Bobby. In a recent interview Bobby had this to say about their divorce, "Whitney had hair on her head. She wore clothes and was human. I need more than that!". After the divorce, Whitney continued to invent new malicious drugs for her own personal use. They have been never released to the public, mainly because they had already been released. These drugs were apparently just a combonation of laxative and Swiss Chocolate from the Netherlands, and was proven as completely harmless, unless you are a Whitney Houston.
Her Life Today
Whitney Houston spends most of her life today in I Don't Care, California. She is constantly hiding from the Government as she is the only living person that has the recipe for the legendary Cocaine Brownies. She likes to watch television, and actively goes after Bobby Brown in an attempt to completely melt him down into more energy for her car powered on Farts and George Lucas' film carreer. Whitney also makes appearances on Saturday Night Live in the body of one of the actors on the show. Whitney was last seen in a Macy's restroom destroying the toilets with her demon dog created solely for her by Bill Gates as an entryway to Canada, and Egypt's Pyramid of Diarrhea.
