Why?:Punt Various Small Animals

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You runts expect to make the football team this year? Well, you've got a long way to go. There's one technique that I love using for testing out the new recruits. You all have a bag in front of you, filled with various small animals. I want you to punt them as far as possible. Ah, football and punting: the two things men do well... aside from sex, but according to female comedians, we don't even do that well. So, this is the last domain of us GUYS before women complain and bitch and moan about equal rights, and we have to go back to hitting ourselves with clubs.

• STAGE 1: I got these animals at a discount, seeing as how I'm a return customer.
• STAGE 2: I had to steal these little fellas.
• STAGE 3: Be careful, they bite.
• STAGE 4: Be careful, they're mythological.

[edit] Stage 1

You guys look ready to punt various small animals across a football field. Stage 1 concerns kicking the weakest animals in the animal kingdom^[1]. They were not that expensive to get, so have fun kicking them. Kicking these small animals makes you feel powerful and manly... and powerful. Seeing their cute little faces getting smashed across a football field really makes you wonder about life. What? It doesn't? Oh, okay. Sorry about that little foray into gayland there.

[edit] Kitten

Yeah, that was good. I like the lift it had. It kinda squeeked when you kicked it, which is pretty awesome. Next time, get a good black one cuz they're evil, and easier to see. They're little and adorable, so they go pretty damn far. If you can kick a live animal, you can kick a dead animal's skin rolled up into an oblong ball.

[edit] Puppy

Ooh yeah, that was pretty nice. I've never seen a live animal yelp like that except in my farm days... but that was a long time ago. I like kicking domesticated animals sometimes, but the wild animals are more... intense to punt.

[edit] Aardvark

Yeah, look at them. They're all weird looking and such. OOohh, look at 'em spin when you punt 'em! Too bad on the distance. I remember back when the school couldn't afford to buy 15 aardvarks to punt across a football field.

[edit] Gopher

Luckily, these little guys are all over the football field already, so you can just pick one up off the ground. These guys are pretty cheap, just punt them all over the place, rookies. Good form, Johnson!

[edit] Anteater

These were tough to import from South America, so please be careful when you kick them. We spent the school's budget on sex awareness education to get these little bastards in. We need to make it to regionals to cover the cost of punting these various small animals, guys.

[edit] Chinchilla

Here's a rat thing. I want you guys to punt it to the 50 yard line... good job! I think you guys are ready for the next stage of your development into men. By the way, those rat things were expensive. We're gonna have to make it to state to pay off the debt to the local rat manufacturing plant.

[edit] Stage 2

Stage 2 has the more expensive and hard to find animals. These guys are not so weak that they can't fight back, but not so strong that they won't have any lift. It's okay, these little bastards deserve it. For years and years, they've been harassing us with their rules! Well, now it's time to show 'em. Now is the time to... on second thought, I just want you guys to kick the crap out of them. Damn rules.

[edit] Fox

These guys are tricky. You have to be firm when you handle them. Don't let them get away, Smith, those guys cost money! We bought these using the school's chocolate milk money... well, not THIS school's chocolate milk fund, but somebody's... and when they find out, they'll be pissed.

[edit] Pigs

Pigs are heavy, everybody knows that. Before you kick 'em, I want you to take a deep breath and stretch out a little. It's hard kicking pigs, but if you can kick a live one, you can kick that ol' pigskin around the field. It was too expensive to buy live pigs gentlemen, so that's why I bought these packages of bacon for you to kick around.

[edit] Young Deer

Now don't get all soft hearted on me, guys. Take that deer out of the sack and just punt it. Punt away, like there's no tomorrow. ...Good job men you punted the SHIT outta those pretty horse-like animals... They deserved it, Sanchez, STOP CRYING!

[edit] Stage 3

Okay, you guys have done pretty good. The next few animals are going to put your punting skills to the test. These bastards were tough to put in a sack, so be careful taking them out. Don't worry, they're declawed and stuff, but that cost extra. To pay for these bastards, we're gonna have to make it to nationals. Also, it wouldn't hurt to rob a bank. Johnson, I'm putting you on bank detail!

[edit] Cougar

Kicking cougars is a sport reserved for the manliest of men. Stealing these cougars from the zoo and putting them in sacks was the hard part though, so I want you to realize that. It takes the manliest of men to break into a zoo, steal wild animals, and throw them in a sack. OOohh, good distance, Sanchez! Did you see that! He got a good 20 yards on that cougar!

[edit] Bear

Punting bears isn't for the faint of heart. I think that bear punting is illegal in 48 states, which means that it makes you pretty hardcore. We don't care about those bear huggers, do we boys? Nice, Johnson! Did you see that, boys? That's bear punting.

[edit] Crocodile

Crocodile punting is pretty extreme. Don't confuse it with crocodile hunting though, as that could get us slapped with a lawsuit. Especially if we make fun of that one dead guy. Anyways, please take one of these angry things out of the sack provided, get ready to punt... Nice, Sanchez! You really punted that one! You could all learn a lesson from Sanchez, here. He's gonna take us all the way, if the school has any money left over for uniforms next semester.

[edit] Stage 4

Okay, you guys are almost ready for the internationals, which is what we'll need the prize money for to pay off for this next batch of animals. These guys were not only extremely hard to find, they're also extremely dangerous. Sanchez, I'm putting you on robbing Fort Knox detail!

[edit] Unicorns

Remember punting those poor defenseless deer? Well, these are also pretty horses, except they have a very sensual horn on top. Good job, Johnson! Punting unicorns takes skill as well as muscle, as Johnson has just demonstrated.

[edit] Dragons

Now, I've learned over the years to be careful of punting certain animals. You have to treat these animals, all these animals, with respect, just in case they bite. This animal here is a big one, and it was tough getting it in that bag. They kept yelling "I'm not a dragon, I'm a dude in a suit" but I'm too smart for 'em. Dragons have +15 charisma, and it would be a mistake to trust it. Go ahead and punt NOW. Great job, Sanchez, you're getting the hang of it! That really had some spin to it. 30 yards!

[edit] CENSORED

Yes, finding these little dudes was hard. They finally let me into their "craft" after I begged and asked nicely. Little did they know that they're in for the football season of their lives. You can punt these little guys all you want, they just heal right back up (after they complain like little bitches!).

[edit] Good job, guys

Take five. I want that cash on my desk by Monday, Johnson, or we're all gonna pay for my terrible crimes. Sanchez, round up those animals. Use the gloves.

[edit] Footnotes... get it? footnotes? ...You're no fun.