Why?:You Should Read Books?
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Books are stupid and should not be read at all.
| Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
Books. The stuff of legends (or rather the stuff legends were recorded in). How we adore you! How we have come to relish and love the touch of you! Soft or hard, you provide us with utmost pleasure and hours of exhilaration, all the while fulfilling our wildest fantasies! The amazing world we live in (terrorists, financial breakdowns, natural disasters all included) would not be the same without them. Where would we get textbooks filled with garbage they call knowledge if there were no books? The horrifying answer would be we wouldn't be able to get them.
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[edit] Why Read Books
There are plenty of reasons to read books. Some of the more common reasons are explored below
[edit] Entertainment
Let's start off with the most obvious reason. Books contain anything. Like, seriously anything. It is possible to find books on fish, a pizza boy, gods, Playboy bunnies dressed up as martians in order to seduce the Plutonian version of Hugh Hefner, some random 25th century man who jumped off a building to suddenly find he fell into a time warp bringing him into the 13th century with the Black Death, and the list goes on.
Books kill time. Literally. You can read a book and suddenly you'll find that there's a Bronze Age dagger hidden within another dimension in between two pages that can somehow stop time to allow you to finish your Starbucks coffee before reverting back to real time. On a more serious note, the hours go by so fast when you're reading its almost like the Time Machine warped you ten hours into the future when you finally put down your book.
[edit] To Start a War/Fight/Argument
It is a known fact that any reading can be subject to multiple interpretations. Multiple interpretations can also be translated to mean conflicting views. Conflicting views involve in most cases at least two people (unless it is a case of multiple personalities), which can lead to bickering amongst the two sides, which may eventually lead into graver consequences. History and the world has benefited from the existence of many people who have taken their different interpretations and transformed it into something more. The jihadists/terrorists/extremists generally target the Americans (no big loss there) because of their interpretation of the Koran, (the Muslim counterpart to the equally unholy Bible the Christians choose to believe in). Thank god (take your pick: Zeus, God, Allah, Mars etc) most Muslims don't believe in that interpretation or we'd have hundreds of mini explosions all around the world.
Those of you thinking "ha! those stupid Muslims would kill themselves over what a book says" who are also Christian better think again. The wonderful Crusades are an example of the faultless Christian intelligence. Launching millions of campaigns to fight for a city half a world away and throwing all of their sorry lives away in those attempts because the Pope sitting safely away in Rome read the Bible and decided that it was the right thing to do. The wonders of reading a book are revealed to all. What better way to pick a fight with random people than to interpret its contents differently.
[edit] The WWW
Most of you may know the WWW as the World Wide Web. This is not true. The WWW really stands for the Wonderful World of Words, and that originated from books. The true WWW the name of a secret book that has never been shown to the world. What you think was an innovative idea created in the late 20th century (the internet) is no more than a secret gleamed from the WWW. Furthermore, all information found on the internet is said to be false, and inputted into writers' brains by the WWW (yes, sadly Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia are both no more than fictions provided by some otherworldy power). It is said that it is the true Holy Grail, and that it is necessary to follow the trail to find it. Plenty of incentive there to read. The last person known to have possessed it was Da Vinci, who painted clues for future generations to find where he buried it. The Da Vinci Code (the movie) was a feeble attempt by a mysterious group known as PETA to get critics to accidentally reveal secrets related to the true trail of the WWW. It is speculated that the Bhelliom in David Eddings' series The Tamuli is another clue about the true location of the book. Perhaps this article was another clue that will guide the seekers of the true WWW.
[edit] Why Not to Read Books
Though it is profoundly shocking that anyone would wish not to read books, it is nonetheless necessary to educate all members of society (yes, even the hopeless fools) about both sides of any argument. It is even more shocking that after reading an abomination as this article that one would still resort to reading articles on the internet. However, for the sake of satisfying the boundless curiosity of all readers (or at least temporarily quell the desire) there is the option of proceeding to Why?:You Shouldn't Read Books.
