Wikipedia Killer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Wikipedia Killer (aka "Wikiller") is the attributed name of the controversial serial killer who stalks, warns, and sometimes kills his victims in a manner analogous to efforts to control vandalism employed by editors on the popular online encyclopedia Wikipedia.
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[edit] Physical appearance
Although little is known about the exact physical dimensions of the Wikipedia Killer, he is known to most likely be male, spend 8 to 12 hours in florescent-lit areas, buy coffee in bulk, and use the letter "A" excessively.
[edit] Methods
Though little is known about his exact methods, the Wikipedia Killer first uses the search engine Google to locate information about his current victim's recent contributions to society. Should he find these troubling, he may notify the victim through a series of warnings (see below). Alternatively, depending on the severity of the content, he may outright kidnap and kill the person if they meet certain criteria (his "Criteria for Speedy Death" or "CSD"), assist his victim in suicide ("Proposed Death" or "PROD"), or give his victim and his victim's friends a chance to prove the victim worthy of sparing ("Assholes for Death" or "AfD").
Though the occasions when a victim qualifies for one of the death processes varies, if the end result is death, the killer leaves a "block" message on the victim's body. If the victim repeatedly attempts to come back from the dead without permission, he is killed in more torturous ways, involving salt being painfully spread into the victim's wounds.
[edit] Criteria for Speedy Death (CSD)
When a person matches the Wikipedia Killer's CSD list, the Wikipedia Killer quickly sets to the task of eliminating his victim. The exact turnaround time is unclear, but it appears that most of the recent killings have been performed in anywhere from seconds after the person meets CSD to hours if not days after the person meets CSD, depending on the Wikipedia Killer's list of things to do (which police have labeled, his "backlog"). His exact criteria are normally fairly rigid, and he will normally not kill victims unless they explicitly match it. Investigators have discerned the following list of probable CSD entries:
| Killer's criterion | Possible description | Known victims (so far) |
|---|---|---|
| Patent nonsense | Victim is completely insane and contributes nothing valuable to society. | *the timecube guy. |
| Recreation of ended arguments | Victim reactivates old discussions that reached agreement by members in society long ago. | *Several unnamed Intelligent design proponents. *Conservapedia administrators |
| Person requests killing | Victim wants to die, but so badly that he wants to forgo the killer's "Proposed Death" process. | *All twelve gay republicans. |
| Argues where the corresponding argument does not exist | Victim makes everybody care about a silly idea. | *Two scientists employed by Exxon who claimed Global warming was not real. |
[edit] Proposed Death (PROD)
An alternative route to death that the Wikipedia Killer uses with his victims involves his "Proposed Death" process. This involves the killer noticing that a particular member of society neither contributes positively nor negatively to the world and nobody cares whether the victim lives or dies-- not even the victim himself. As a result, the killer abducts the victim and places a piece of duct tape on the victim's head with the word "PROD" written on it and gives the victim explicit instructions that if he wants to continue living, all he has to do is make himself better and remove the tape. If, however, the victim fails to remove the tape after five days, he is killed.
Note: retards do not qualify for PROD, because Texas has already nominated them for killing in the past.
[edit] Assholes for Death (AfD)
The "Assholes for Death" process is employed by the Wikipedia Killer when a person neither meets Criteria for Speedy Death (CSD) nor Proposed Death (PROD). It involves a relatively open discussion on why a particular person should be allowed to live, allowing those contributing to vote on whether continued life of the person is acceptable. If, after the discussion period is over, a person has not been found worthy of life, the Wikipedia Killer kills him in the usual fashion.
[edit] Challenges to police intervention
Top detectives have avoided intervening with the Wikipedia Killer's murders due to early incidents involving what the killer calls his "Three Revert Rule." That is, once a killer has performed an action, he looks highly unfavorably upon investigators that undermine his efforts. As a result, investigators on the cases are frequently rotated out to avoid violating endangering themselves or their families.
[edit] Use of broken windows
A characteristic method that the Wikipedia Killer uses to perform his murders involves broken windows. In almost all cases, the killer gains entry to the victim's establishment through these broken windows, thereby enabling him to use his infamous Sock puppets to attack and subdue his victims. It has been rumored that his Bert and Ernie puppets subdue homophobic targets, a Barney puppet to sicken others, while his singing Elmo puppet causes spontaneous cerebral hemorrhaging, instantaneously resulting in the victim's death. The latter is thought to be primarily used in cases where the victim meets the killer's Criteria for Speedy Death.
[edit] Controversy
The Wikipedia Killer's activity has drawn vast amounts of criticism, varying widely in tone. Supporters cite that the Wikipedia Killer's methods are examples of calling "bullshit" on any number of plagues on society, while dissidents decry the Proposed Death process due to its resemblance to the work of Dr. Kevorkian.
[edit] Warnings
Avoiding killing if possible, the Wikipedia Killer attempts to first warn his targets of the err of their ways. The victim usually receives four warnings before being killed, but frequently, these warnings are simply ignored until it is too late.
[edit] Examples
Several warnings have been collected from various sources that are believed to be attributed to the Wikipedia Killer. They have been digitized for easier reading.
| Target | Warning |
|---|---|
| Fox News |  Please stop. If you continue to violate life's neutral point of view policy by adding commentary and your personal analysis into news, you will be blocked from reporting on news.
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| PETA |  Welcome to life. We invite everyone to contribute constructively to our healthcare system. However, we must insist that you assume good faith while interacting with the people that keep you alive, which you did not with medical research scientists}}. Take a look at the way vaccines have to be tested to learn more about the process that prevents you from dying from a flu shot. Thank you.
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| Rosie O'Donnell | With regards to your comments on Donald Trump: Please see life's no personal attacks policy. Comment on content, not on contributors. Personal attacks damage the community and deter viewers. Note that continued personal attacks will lead to blocks for disruption. Please stay cool and keep this in mind while living. Thank you.
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| Fred Phelps | Please assume good faith in your dealings with other people, which you did not on gay rights. Please stop being uncivil to your fellow human beings; instead, assume that they are here to improve the quality of life for everyone.
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| Pat Robertson |  This is your last warning. The next time you add defamatory content, as you did to everyone you don't agree with, you will be blocked from life.
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| George Bush | Welcome to life. We invite everyone to contribute constructively to our civilization. However, life is not censored, not even to remove profanity or pornography. Please do not remove or censor information that is relevant to the situation, as you did to Congress. Take a look at the constitution to learn more about contributing to this civilization. Thank you.
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| Unnamed detective investigating killer's murders |  |
