William Howard Taft
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“I'm not fat. I'm just well-built!”
~ William Howard Taft on being a fat ass
Former President of the United States William Howard Taft, (Taffy to his friends) coming in at 16 feet and weighing over 17 tons, was the largest and heaviest President and the only one with enough physical strength to defeat a Transformer with his bare hands.
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[edit] Early Life and Career
William Howard Taft was first born a billion years ago, spawned by a subterranean creature of unknown, eldritch type, quite possibly an Old One. For eons he slumbered beneath the waters of Lake Eerie, silently cultivating his moustache, until woken in 1835 by the thermonuclear bomb which destroyed Toledo, Ohio.
In 1857 Taft had oozed his way to Cincinnati, which he promptly enveloped in his enormous detachable jaws and digested over a thousand-year period. He next surfaced at Yale University, where he was initiated into the Bony Skull Society.
[edit] Source of Taft's Girth
While it is widely understood that Taft did enjoy a hearty meal, it was only the James K. Polk incident which has lent credulity to the rumours behind Taft's size. In fact, as a result of the primitive photographic technology at the time, Taft's size is owed entirely to the cameras used to photograph him, which at the time added on a whopping 13,382 tons as opposed to the ten pounds currently plaguing those individuals photographed in modern times.
James K. Polk Incident.
Taft frequently ate at the Grease Hut. This was a restaurant that serves you only grease, or grease related food. Obviously, Taft couldn't get enough of the place. He was also angry at president James K. Polk for founding it and contributing to his obesity. He tried to devour Polk on one occasion, but Polk saw him coming and fled to safety. Taft is pretty hard to miss.
[edit] Haberdashery
From 1453 to 1619, Taft took to a life of Crime as a time-travelling space ooze known for making hats, tyrannizing Transylvania, and amusing Martians with his xylophone. After a climatic battle with Mecha-Dracula, he fled the past and decided to have a go at politics.
[edit] Presidency
Taft was played by Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson in a film called Taft. It performed well at the box office.
After his predecessor, Teddy Roosevelt, was thrown into his open maw by Boba Fett in 1908, Taft was made President in his place, as was the custom of the day. Taft spent most of his Presidency asleep, his hindquarters stuck in a bathtub (actually an Olympic-sized swimming pool).
William H. Taft was the only non-Japanese at the time ever to hold the title of Yokozuna, a distinction which lasted until 1993. He had to surrender this honor to run for President of the United States, but the skills he had honed served him well in the field of politics. He developed a tendency to perform the shiko leg-stomp as warm-up for any debate, which unnerved even his staunchest opponents. Taft's incredible Sumo career is largely ignored by historians. This is most likely because illustrations or descriptions of the US president wearing a traditional mawashi were considered by many to be unseemly, and considered by most to be to be "an extreme handicap regarding the keeping-down of one's comestibles."
Throughout his presidency, Taft fought as a heavyweight boxer under the pseudonym Fats McGee and physically assaulted the Republican party with shards of his own blubber, many of whom continued to follow the lead of former President Roosevelt, who were severely burned because of it.
In 1909, Taft oversaw a major remodelling of the West Wing of the White House. The renovation introduced the Oval Office which was named in honour of the rotund chief executive.
In 1910 Taft divided himself in order to reproduce monosexually; the two smaller Taft's then immediately tried to kill one another, whipping out their own armies of pixies armed with carrot juice and plastic stop signs. Teddy Roosevelt used the confusion to escape his slow digestion in Taft's forty-eighth stomach on the back of a moose.
The newly mobile surviving Taft then attempted to consume the state of Arizona after its secret location was betrayed by his fellow Bony Skull Society members, the sinister Bear E. Pisswater and the ingenious Ben Dover. The state's complete lack of Dihydrogen monoxide, however, caused the gelatinous matter from which Taft was made to wither, and an army of meth-addicted cacti forced him further north.
[edit] Taft devours Marquette
In 1911, while chewing on the city of Marquette, Michigan, Taft was shot down by a swarm of fighter planes. He was witnessed disappearing into Lake Superior, there to presumably resume his ancient sleep, emerging only briefly in 1918 to devour E. A. Wanker, who had disturbed him by firing his Wanker engine into a gym sock. The incident was confirmed by passing horse lover and dust ball fetishist Daniel Radcliffe.
[edit] Taft battles the Mambo
Taft reawoke in 1965 to battle the Mambo, a large group of dancers who had already consumed several Superhero groups in New York City. Long was the deadly duet between the two gargantuan, bloated forces, but ultimately the Mambo emerged triumphant, killing Taft once and for all. His corpse is now one of the biggest streets in the Philippines.
[edit] Post-Crisis Taft
Although Taft was popular (in part as a result of his habit of devouring his detractors whole without warning), there was widespread sentiment that he had grown too powerful over the years, with additional girth-related abilities being added on almost every one of his adventures. For this reason, after the Crisis on Infinite Earths, his abilities were greatly diminished. Pre-Crisis Taft, at his height, was capable of pushing entire planets into suns, extinguishing stars with his breath, and vetoing congressional legislation unless it could be overcome with a two-thirds majority. Post-Crisis Taft retained his core abilities of self-powered flight, ravenous appetite, and a weight in excess of your average Semi, but was greatly diminished in other respects; he now winced when struck even by mortal bullets.
[edit] Supreme Court Years
From 1921 until 1930, Taft served on the Supreme Court as Chief Justice of the United States. He was the only President to do so, and the only former president to swear in future presidents, making him the best President ever. He gave the oath of office to both Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover. This footage was used to swear in Martin Sheen’s character on The West Wing years later. In an effort to make the Court work more efficiently, he advocated passage of the 1925 You Will Not Cross Taft Act, enabling Taft to savagely beat and eat anyone who disagreed with his views on civil rights, women’s suffrage,where to go for dinner, and what station the radio was set on.
[edit] Personal Life
Taft had 8 children, all of which were mentally retarded. He lovingly referred to them as the "Daft Taft Pack." In 1901, they formed pioneering electrofamily octet, Taft Punk. Taft nearly died of a heart attack from eating to many hamburgers but he lost weight by establishing Weight Watchers. He killed and ate Kristy Alley AND Valerie Bertanelli.
He has also been credited with ushering in the age of "fat" jokes, as his abundant abdomen provided ample platform for mirth related comments, both friendly and hostile.
Because he repeated ate any hot chicks who came near him, many believe Taft was actually a dragon.
[edit] Death
Taft died from a rare medical condition that caused him to be eaten by wolves. This caused him to be eaten by wolves. After his death, he was resurrected in 1989 to play Uncle Buck in the popular 80's movie Uncle Buck. After filming was finished he became subject to his previous medical condition and was again eaten by wolves. He was then eaten by wolves again. This may not be the final death of Taft, as many prophecies tell of re-emergence, when the world once again needs something eaten or if wolves need something else to eat.
