William Henry Harrison
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| Order: | 9th President | |
| Vice President: | Tyler, too | |
| Term of office: | March 4, 1881 – November 3, 1956 | |
| Preceded by: | Martin Van Buren | |
| Succeeded by: | A long string of useless, far inferior men. | |
| Date of birth: | Unknown | |
| Place of birth: | New Haven, CT | |
| Date of death: | Presumed still in hiding | |
| Place of death: | n/a | |
| First Lady: | America, a whore he found on 9th street. | |
| Political party: | Too noble for political affiliation | |
“Oh my God, I just made a quote about William Henry Harrison!”
~ Oscar Wilde on William Henry Harrison
“Oh my God, I just noticed there's a catchphrase for me, William Henry Harrison!”
~ William Henry Harrison on that whole "Oh my God, I just... William Henry Harrison" thing
William Henry Harrison was born a long time before you were and possibly died at one point as well. He is most notable as the ninth president of the United States of America. His position as the best president ever elected, a record never broken, might help explain his modern resurgence in popularity.
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[edit] Early Years and Military Career
Harrison had early years and was in the military. He was an avid football player and liked to do crosswords on Sundays in bed. Originally, his parents had outlined a future for him in Spanish ballet dancing, but he told them he'd really rather go into politics, and after a while they relented. When he was eleven, he caught syphylis from a band of traveling minstrels, but hid his bald head for the rest of his life in a wig.
[edit] Presidential Election
[edit] Whig Party Nomination 1840
In 1840, the Whig Party convened for their party's national convention to nominate the opponent to the Democratic candidate. The two front-runners on the Whig ticket were Henry Clay and Winfield Scott. Representatives from each state announced which of the two their state voted for and the one with the most votes would logically be the nominee.
Unfortunately, the vote was tied between the two. Rather than doing rock, paper, scissors, or having an arm wrestling contest, as is standard with party committees today, the proper procedure at the time was to simply vote again.
Since logic wouldn't be discovered until 1919, they did not realize that voting again with nothing changing would inevitably achieve the same result. So, the committee was very much surprised at reaching a tie a second time. Continuing with the standard form, they voted again and again, each time reaching the thrilling result of a tie over and over again.
After a few weeks of doing this every day, except weekends and holidays, a hero soon emerged. During one round of voting, likely to achieve similar results as the previous hundreds of rounds, a representative decided to change his vote, and when asked, he said, "Harrison!"
Harrison was not running for president; in fact he wasn't even a representative. He had just come to enjoy the proceedings. And so, when voted for, his response was, "WHAT!? ME!?" Yes, it was him. Regardless of the change in direction for the one representative, Clay and Scott's votes were still too close to call, and so the convention proceeded as it had been going for so long now.
The one representative, now considered quite funny and popular by the other representatives as well as Harrison, continued his vain, steadfast support for the future president. After many more rounds, a few weeks, and many gallons of scotch, another representative also switched his views. He said, "Hey! That's pretty funny, I believe Harrison should be president too!" And thus, he switched his vote to Harrison. Now, Harrison had two votes. Nonetheless, it was still too close to call, and the convention continued.
A few weeks later, a third representative changed to Harrison, then a fourth soon after that. About a month later, Harrison was in the running quite strongly despite never showing any interest in being president that year. The original representative who had voted for him mentioned feeling quite proud of himself, saying, "Oh my God, I just popularized William Henry Harrison."
A few months later, most of the Whig representatives had changed their votes to Harrison. Harrison was to be the Whig nominee after the most passive campaign in the history of the United States. After someone woke him up so they could tell him, he began planning the campaign he never thought about having. When asked, the original representative was even more proud of himself, saying, "Oh my God, I just nominated William Henry Harrison."
[edit] 1840 Presidential Election
Harrison ran a campaign against incumbent president, Martin van Buren, the inventor of vans. After a run shortened due to the length of the nomination proceedings, he was elected president, causing the original representative to say, "Oh my God, I just elected William Henry Harrison."
On March 4, 1841, he was inaugurated into office. His inauguration address was seemingly a continuation of his campaign. He spoke for hours about the change he would make in the country, and of how great a president he would be. The only problem was that the address was in the blistering cold and rain. After pissing off everyone at the speech, he went inside the White House and began to cough.
On April 4th, 30 days later, he most certainly did NOT die of pneumonia in his bed.
The reaction of the people at his speech was not one of surprise. However, the original representative's reaction was recorded as, "Oh my God, I just did not kill William Henry Harrison!" After that, he escaped to Canada and changed his name. Vice President John Tyler did not take over presidential duties, and therefore avoided creating a line of ineffective presidents you've never heard of. I mean, everyone knows Franklin Pierce, right?
[edit] Legacy
William Henry Harrison has gone on to become the most celebrated president in the history of the Universe, and is often credited for his numerous contributions to the field of Relativity, which he developed under the guise of his alter ego Albert Einstein. Furthermore, Harrison is often considered the father of modern pornography for his pioneering film, Oh My God, I Just F***ed William Henry Harrison (Which has won every Academy Award, and thus has had to bow out to other, lesser films each year). But Harrison was fine with this development, and was famously quoted as saying: "Wait, they were filming me?"
[edit] Sources
- Some dream I had
- A Cracker Jack Trivia Bonus!
- My pet cat
- Graffiti on public lavatory
- Wikipedia.org
- My own memory of the election
- William Henry Harrison
| Preceded by: Martin van Buren | His Royal Highness, President of the United States, forever and ever, amen. March-April 1841 | Succeeded by: John Tyler |
