William Riker
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“No one fucks with William T. Riker.”
“He's strangely familiar.”
William Riker was born in Alaska in 2335 to human parents. He is best known for his troubled Starfleet career, his beard and his later activities as a political lobbyist.
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[edit] Early years
Born in Alaska in 2335, Riker had little formal education until he moved to Los Angeles in 2348. Graduating from The School of Hard Knocks, he received a scholarship to Starfleet Academy where he excelled in jumping to conclusions, being stand-offish and facial concealment. He was voted most likely to be cloned in a freak transporter accident, and perpetually holds his head at a 94-degree angle.
[edit] Early Starfleet career
Riker languished in mediocre postings until he was assigned as acting-chef to the USS Pretty Woman. During a mission to evacuate colonists who had done something really really stupid to their planet, terrorists took control of the Pretty Woman. Although all security officers had been captured or killed, Riker managed to hide in the kitchens and later went on to lead a one-man mission to regain control of the ship. Using the classic Seagal Strategum, he was able to eliminate the terrorists utilising increasingly violent and bizarre techniques.
Starfleet command recognised that his abilities went beyond sauce preparation and appointed him as First Officer on the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D).
[edit] First Officer of The Enterprise
Riker excelled in his new role aboard the Enterprise, successfully concealing the fact that his French captain didn't sound very French at all. He was demoted to the rank of lieutenant commander without portfolio for tripping over his own feet and activating the ship's super-secret auto-destruct device. However he refused to give up his rank pips, and no one could find the insignia for his reduced rank, so no one noticed. After someone stole his razor, he grew a beard, and was promoted back to commander for sheer charisma, despite being an empty-headed lout. He spent most of his time as first officer maintaining a 'will they or won't they?' relationship with the ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi. When the Enterprise was destroyed in a parking accident, Riker was assigned along with most of the crew to the newly built USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-E).
Despite having far more hair than Picard, he remained in the position of First Officer.
[edit] Diplomacy
During a mission to Romulus, a high-ranking Romulan official commented on Picard's British accent. Realising the damage that this could do Romulan/Federation ties, Riker quickly explained that the captain is French but had lost his accent in a transporter accident. Satisfied with this explanation, the Romulans promised to be nice in future. Deanna Troi was also impressed, agreeing to marry him.
For his quick-thinking, Riker was awarded the captaincy of U.S.S Titan - a deep-space exploration vessel. With Riker gone, Picard resorted to communicating through mime, in order to conceal his accent. This resulted in the now infamous Gerard 447 incident in which over three-thousand people died in a horrific war. Picard was unavailable for comment as he appeared to be struggling to walk in high wind, which later pulled his invisible umbrella inside-out.
[edit] USS Titan and scandal
Riker enjoyed a successful career on the Titan and indulged his love of jazz since nothing much really happens in deep space. An intern came forward with an allegation that would effectively end his Starfleet career. She alleged that he had pressured her in to blowing his horn, a claim that led to his removal as captain.
In an appeal, the court accepted that he had not dishonourably discharged himself in to the intern but his reputation never recovered. He retired from Starfleet and joined the Washington lobbist Commander Data. His marriage to Deanna Troi was annulled when it was found that she is his sister. She later returned to Betazed to host a popular daytime television chat show.
[edit] Political affiliations and views
Riker has worked extensively with the Democratic Party but his views tend to place him in the centre of American politics.
- The right of woman to chose abortion
- The right to bear phasers, although he has lobbied for a 16 day waiting period for phaser rifles and a two-week wait for tachyon-based weapons
- He is pro-polygamy, himself having 16 wives
- Immigration reform and the offering of amnesty to illegal Bajoran workers. This position has gained him a lot of support in the fruit producing states
- Reform of the temporal prime directive
Riker has campaigned heavily for the right of people to travel back in time to laugh at the olden-days. He was instrumental in drafting the now infamous "Lets go poke fun at the puritans" bill which was voted down, but elements of which were incorporated in to the "Okay, we won't say anything nasty about them but we can't help it if they wear funny hats" bill.
[edit] The war on terror
Through his lobbying, Riker has pushed hard for the war on terror to be made bigger, faster and better. President Bush awarded Riker The Wookie Medal of Accomplishment for not asking awkward questions.
