William Shatner
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William.....Shatner.....is......the greatest.....Captain Ki.....rk.......ev....e.....r......Nimoy.....must.........die!!....eh AHHHHHHH WHAT THE **** IS THIS!!!!!! We come in peace! (Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill!) We come in peace!
- The, following, article, is, presented, in, Shatnerese, for, those, suffering, from, William, Shatner, Syndrome
For the mythological deity, see ancient Geece.
Shat Man. William Ignatius "Awesome Sauce" Shatner, was born in 1931 in Canada although the Canadian government denies... this. He was trained as a Shakespearean actor and gained a reputation as a... genius after his daring interpretation of "Hamlet" (Retitled "Ham let") in which the character paused for up to sixteen minutes between words. Critics felt the pauses captured the torment of Hamlet caught in indecision but the production ran almost thirty six hours.
Shatner... later was a popular entertainer was known for his nearly God-like acting and singing abilities and was voted twice to be People Magazine's sexiest man alive. Shatner worked hard in his life to overcome near constant bouts of "verbal diarrhœa.". In order to commit his unique speaking voice to print he invented the comma securing his place in the history books. Shatner is worshipped as a God by a religious sect known as "Trekkies" who take vows of chastity and poverty living without sex and without bathing in their parents' basements to prove their undying devotion to their God.
He, is, most, remembered, for, his, performance, in, Superior Tank Force Ultron, where, fans, prefer, him, to, sing, the, sweet, song, Sätt Tulpaner i mossa till mor.
He often, received, visions, into the, future and, though, people rarely, believed, him, all, his, told, prophecies, have come, true. The, world, still... awaits, the return of, the Terminator, of whom, Shatner, spoke, in his book, "Terminator: He'll be back", humanity, lives, in, fear, the, date, was, said, to, be, October, 3rd, 2007.
Shatner, is, definitely, not, a, common person.
Contents |
[edit] Claim, to, Fame
The, Shat, Man, is, most, widely, loved, for, his, magnificent, singing, voice, and, has, performed, for, greats, such, as, Fidel Castro, two, to, nine, Popes, and, Mark Wahlberg. Many, consider, William, Shatner's, "Lucy, In, The, Sky, With, Diamonds", (later, covered, by, The Beatles, in, 1834), to, be, his, best, work, and, his, new, "William, Shatner's, Turbo, 2000, Toupee, For, Men", a, true, triumph, in, the, Hairpiece, industry. Shatner, also, served, as, Canada's, Governor, General, from, 1951-1997, during, which, time, he, successfully, uttered, one, sentence, using, this, Shatner, Pause, method. In, 1998, marking the, 30th, anniversary of, "The, Transformed, Man," Shatner, became the, first, and, only artist, to win, a Lifetime, Achievement, Grammy, Award, for, "Best. Album. To. Ever. Be. Recorded."
SSSSHHHHING, DUM-DUM-DUM!
Because of his, unique musical, style, Shatner, has been, credited with inventing, modern "hip hop". His... contribution has, recently, been recognised in, the MOBO awards, when he, won the "Lifelong Contribution to Black Music" award in, 2003. Contrary, to popular, belief, the Shat, did, in fact, preform, the original, Rock, et, man, which was later, copied by, Elton John. Many rappers, have also paid, respect to him, most notably, Ice Cube and Jay Z, who name-dropped him, in his, song "Where Can I Find Ma' Honey Tunnel, Bitch?" with the line "Goin' to da Shat-o wid ma boy Shatnissy; Gettin' Busy, wid a glass of fizzy. [Crystal]". He also invented beat boxing, while at, the Trek Convention, in Dusseldorf. In, a, recent, rap, battle, he, defeated, MC, Campbell.
The, Big Shat, has, over five, fans, across, the twelve, continents, of the, world, who, are, well, known, to the law, enforcement, community. One, was, quoted, in, the world's, media, as, saying: "In, a, perfect, world, everyone is, married to, William, Shatner. Even, William, Shatner, is, married, to, William, Shatner. Everyone, also, wants in, when, it comes, to, William, Shatner's, pants. Stop, laughing! That's it! Scotty, beam, down my, pants!"
See, Wil, Wheaton, for, more, information.
“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ You know who on You know what
[edit] Diseases
- William, Shatner, Syndrome, is, more, commonly, known, as, The Shatner, Pause, targets, the, vocal, chords, and, prevents, them, from, vibrating; thus, making, you, have, to, pause, awkwardly, between, every, few, words. People, suffering, from, this, disease, include, The, Shat, Man, himself, and, many, characters, of, Final, Fantasy, X. Sounds, suspiciously, like Christopher, Walken, (the, two, have, never, been, photographed, together).
- Shatner's, musical, ebola - (A,K,A, Bleeding, Ear, Syndrome) Willy's, latest, venture, in, Hollywood, is, in, the, field, of, music. Be, very, cautious, when, around, Mr, Shatner, for, his, singing, will, cause, a, form, of, ebola, which, includes, bleeding, only, of, the, ears. Severe, cases, will, cause, deafness. Other, causes, of, this, disease, include, William, Hung, that, guy, who, wrote, and, sang, "American, Pie", and, Yoko, Ono.
- During, his, 'Trek, career, Shatner, also, was, a, pioneer, in, contracting, over, 46, previously, unknown, STDs, from, alien, lifeforms. These, included, Sparidicum, Modicum, which, he, acquired, after, intercourse, with, a, slug, -like, creature, and, the, condition, "Miner's, Toe", which, is, still, of, unknown, origin, but, has, been, traced, back, to, Shatner. Shatner, later, claimed, that, at, any, time, during, the, filming, of, Star, Trek, he, had, "At, least, 15, diseases. I, don't, know, how, I, kept, it, up, ha, ha". Because, of, this, Shatner, has, been, credited, with, being, the, breeding, ground, for, several, new, hybrid, conditions, such, as, "Funky, Pete's, Dancing, Flu", and, "Disfunctional, Gout, Syndrome", which, accounts, for, Shatner's, bloated, and, zeppelin, -like, appearance, in, later, life. Shatner's, constant, sexual, irresponsibility, led, to, the, extinction, of, multiple, species, (both, alien, and, terrestrial), and, was, the, main, cause, of, the, deteriotation, of, his, relationship, with, his, Physician, Mr, Bones. Bones, was, responsible, for, keeping, the, Cap'n, fit, for, duty, and, reportedly, once, screamed, "Dammit, Kirk! It was hibernating!". To, which, Shatner, allegedly, replied, "You, want, one, of, these, pubic, mushrooms?"
- Character-ended career disorder - CECD is a malaise...or perhaps a mayonaisse in which a person is pegged for life as being one character from a show and cannot ever get another serious role because they are always that character. William Shatner has CECD because people always think of him as Captain Kirk. Other sufferers include Mark Hamill, the guy who played Scotty, Leonard Nimoy , anyone who played a Star Trek character from any series, and the guy who played Al Borland on Home Improvement. Andy Griffith also may suffer from this disorder, as many always consider him the sheriff of Mayberry, although this is in dispute because many people, (especially those over the age of 65) will always think of him as Matlock.
- Mad Cow Disease - Thinks he's Denny Crane and wins an Emmy.
- Shakey Head Syndrome - Uncontrolably screaming at a man down a recycled baked bean can, grinding teeth so hard you can see the dust, and then its just bright red and shaking so hard, the toupe goes for a wander off to mate with Don Trump's ozone depleting rake-over and creates a Hasselhoff Quiff baby.
[edit] Hair
In reality, William Shatner, is, a bald, man, well-known, in, Canada and, Cuba, for, his ability, to, direct the sun's, rays, to solar, power, plants with his bald, head. However, the only, position, in Hollywood for, a, good-guy with, a, bald, head, was taken, by, Yul Brynner, so they forced, Shatner, to, wear, a toupee.
In the, episode, "Trouble With, Tribbles", Shatner was, nearly killed when, a, thousand tribbles, escaped, from confinement, in a storage, bin, and attempted, to make, sweet, sweet, lovin' to, his, hairpiece. Only thanks, to, gravity, (invented, by his, high, school, buddy Christopher Walken) and, his small, head, did, he survive (hough he did suffer from hairballs for many years... and no I did not say "hairy balls".)
After the, original, Star Trek, TV, show was, cancelled the studio, repo'd, his hairpiece, and Shatner, was back to, the dark, days, of not, getting, chicks. So he, went, to, the, Hair Club, For, Men and picked, out, the cheapest, model, he, could afford on, layaway, and, had it, surgically, attached, to, his skull. This piece, of, brown, shag, carpeting, left over, from, a 1970's, love-shack, has been on, his, head ever, since, and, has accompanied, him, through seven, additional, Star, Trek movies, and, countless, attacks, by Star Trek, geeks... KKKKKHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
[edit] Yoda-Picard War
In the year 20867, Shatner fought against the Jedi in the Yoda-Picard War, where he killed the dad of uncyclopedia user User:Mr. Perfect
[edit] Facts
- William Shatner is so dangerously sexy he is a banned substance in twelve states and cannot be imported to Florida without a permit.
- McGill University Montreal voted itself to be renamed "William. Shatner. Uni. Versity". But McGill was not considered sufficiently esteemed to be honored with the Shat-Man's name.
- An institution has been set up which will serve as a repository for William Shatner's genetic material. Several dozen liters of material have already been cryogenically frozen enough to inseminate 30 million women. and the foundation hopes to use cloning techniques to increase their stock of material. By 2021 one in ten Americans will be the offspring of William Shatner. By 2093 33% of the world will be a first second or third generation descendant of William Shatner. In 2150 more than 75% of the human race's genetic material will be Shatner's DNA.
- William Shatner is responsible for the amazingly rapid expansion of the Federation. Many planets joined, given that half the population was related to earthlings after Shatners visits anyway.
- The Shat man has nothing to do with the saying "Shat by the Ark"
- William "The Shat" Shatner released a spoken-word version of Sonic Youth's scooter + jynx.
- William Shatner is God because he says he is.
- William Shatner was one of two persons most loved by... Weird Al Yankovich's character in the song White and Nerdy.
- The last name 'Shatner' is just the past tense of 'Shitner'.
- William Shatner no longer needs to contact the ship to 'beam up' he can simply will himself to beam anywhere on the planet (or anywhere in the universe for that matter) instantly simply by thinking about it.
- Captain Kirk was hung like a Denubian cock monster from Denab 4 while Shatner is hung like a Black African Rhino.
- William Shatner is known to be GOD ALMIGHTY!! himself.
- William Shatner is the man with no name: Zapp Brannigan.
- He likes it when you use him like a toilet.
- Priceline, for whom William Shatner is the spokesperson, is actually a secret conspiracy to steal money away from black hotels, using the Parmesan defense and Star Trek conventions.
- He was responsible for the assassination of Malcolm X Martin Luther King Jr. John F. Kennedy and Bill Gates.
- William Shatner was the first man to discover time travel, but eventually went back and destroyed it for the better of mankind. He also used his World of Warcraft Tauren Shaman to destroy the aliens in the attack of 1987 which took place in Wichita Kansas.
- William Shatner is the current, and only, mayor of Lindsay, Ontario. He has never been defeated in an election, however was almost dethroned in a coup attempt by Chuck Norris.
[edit] Khan
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[edit] Denny Crane
Denny Crane is a character played by William Shatner. He is The Creedence Clearwater Revival's arch nemesis. Every week on the popular television show, Boston Illegal, these two partake in a ritual battle atop Boston's highest mountain, K2. Denny Crane.
[edit] Shatkins Diet
Boston Legal has turned many people onto the Shatkins Diet. Created by William Shatner, his diet reenforces the four main food groups, Hamburger, Beef, Sirloin, and Angus. Shatner insists that this is not a diet, but rather a life style. The diet was first written about in the 1990's in William Shatners book the Shatkins diet, but the diet was relatively unheard of until Shatner stared as Denny Crane in Boston legal. With the show Shatner regained status as a sex symbol almost over night. Despite his weight he was still able to get married at least every other episode. Many teenage boys who wanted to mimic his appeal began to pick up the Shatkins diet and began to eat like Shatner. They began to get over weight, but women now viewed them as big fat love machines, something they never were before. Women seeing mens success on the dating arena took up the Shatkins diet and they too became big fat love machines that men just loved. Middle Aged Men who go through mid life crises are also picking up the diet in record numbers because they do everything teenagers do in an attempt to be just like them. Thanks to Shatner everyone in now is happy and overweight, you can't go around a corner anymore with out seeing an happy attractive fat person.
[edit] Awards
- In, 106, AC, the Romans, honored, the, Shat man, with, the, holiday of, Shatnernalia, which, eventually, morphed, into the, Christian, Shatmas.
- Shatner, received, 7 awards, at the, Country, Music, Awards and, was, knighted by, the, Queen of England, in 1982, for his work on Star Trek.
- Had Mad Cow Disease.
- Also, suffers from, slashitus, which, causes, crazed fangirls, to, write stories about, him, and, Spock doing, the, dirty.
- Received, the, "Most, Awesome, Person", award, at last, year's, annual, Secret Rulers, of, the World, Banquet, and, Twister, Contest.
- HBO, ECW, WWF, and SNES, World, Heavy Weight, Boxing, Champion, of, the World, (except, Costa Rica) 1920, to, 1941, defeated, by Knock, Out, with, Machine, Gun, by, Sylvester, Stallone.
- One of John Zorn's Famous Great Jews
- He know all of the number Pi.
- Is a five time Latvian bananna eating champion; his first championship came in the year 69 A.D when he defeated the then undefeated Michael Jackson.
- Awarded with rank of Vietnamese Witchdoctor after making love to Connie Chung in 1978.
[edit] Quotes
- "Uh, listen. I'm sure we need pretty girls like you in (NBC's "Star Trek", "The Barbary Coast", "TJ Hooker", "The Devil's Rain", "the next 'Star Trek' movie", "Boston Legal"). Why don't you come by my, dressing room, and let's, talk about, how I can, help your career!"
- "Yeah, sure. Mock, me all, you want. But, with the Priceline, deal, my investments, in real estate, and horses...I got, more money, than God, now. Plus, I've had, more fine, tail, than half you, geeks, have even, dreamed, about!"
- "KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
- "Captain's, log. I've lost my, toupee and girdle, and, cannot, leave my room."
- "I, find, the most, erotic, part, of a woman, is, the, boobies."
- "GET A LIFE!! PLEASE!!!" (said to himself)
- KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
- Denny Crane.
- KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
- whAt, is, this, a fiddler, on the, roof, in our, little, town, yes, it, sounds... crazy, but, there is, a, KHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Seriously, that bacon stays with you, the, whole,,,, day.
- "I am a Shaman."
- "You know, actually Khans a good guy, I just hate his name. And his hair. And his personality. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYougetthepoint."
[edit] See, Also
- Bullshit
- James T. Kirk
- Star Trek
- The Brothers Karamazov
- Shat
- Ugly-Americans
- Mary-Sue character
- William Shatner Syndrome
- Comma
- famcake
- Doctor Who
- William Shatner sells the Commodore VIC-20 computer
- Lindsay
| Article written in the style of its subject This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn't been so ignorant, then you wouldn't have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place. |
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