William Wallace
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“Oppressssiooooooonn!!”
~ King Edward Longshanks on William Wallace
“Where'd my head go?”
~ Some guy at Burger King who put an unwanted pickle on William Wallace's hamburger on William Wallace
In a time of oppression, fear, and haggis, the great strategist Sunshine Biscuit Tzu sought, in a little known conflict, to force Scottish men to wear pants. Having recently invented war, the great Tzu realized that he could use this new technique to force the Scottish to adhere to his will. It was in these times that a legend was born.
Sir William Wallace is seven feet tall. He is also able to kill men by the hundreds, thanks to the fact that he can consume them with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.
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[edit] Childhood
Wallace's father, Sir Malcolm X of Hillshire, saw that William should receive only the finest education. At the tender age of 3, William was sent to Jamaica to learn the mysterious art of Reggae. To the utter amazement of everyone, young William mastered the art of "slow beats" by the tender age of five, besting Reggae legend Joe Di Maggio. This success was the first sign of his later genius. After being expelled from Vanderbilt University at Northern Scotland, William quickly found himself wrapped up in the wrong crowd. He began to experiment with highly dangerous Grues and soon found that if he haxxed for long enough he could kill the English bastards that killed his wife. After this realization he quickly picked up dealing kittens. He slowly gained enough money and popularity and was aired on Dateline for his limited time only World Of Warcraft expansion pack.
[edit] Young Adulthood
Upon returning to Scotland at the tender age of 11 (why are young ages always tender? A bit like kicked bollocks), William found that his beloved homeland had changed. No longer did butterscotch flow from the earth, nor did cows dance upon the streets. A nameless fear loomed over Scotland. Sensing great evil at hand, young William made his way into the forests in search of answers. It was in the dark forests of Scotland that William discovered Richard Simmons, the King of Fairies. William then left the forest and proceeded north into the swamps, where the local swamp people mistook him for the vile and hated L Ron Hubbard. He then left the swamp and made his way home, ending a very pointless period of journeying.
[edit] Tragedy
Not long had William returned home when his father, the renowned Sir Malcolm X of Hillshire, was killed in an argument over a set of plastic silverware. Struck by this unfortunate tragedy, young William, at the tender (for fuck's sake no!) age of 15, began a fund raising drive for people who are afraid of cotton T Shirts and soap. However, the venture soon failed as soap had yet to be discovered in Scotland - indeed it still is not universally accepted. In the words of anti-cotton shirts activist Fred Phelps, "Not only are cotton T-shirts a sin, but anyone who wears them is just as guilty as they are. You are both worthy of death (Romans 1:32)."
[edit] The Fall of Scotland
At the tender (Jeez bollox)age of 19, William Wallace had been reduced to beating rivers with sticks to earn money to fuel his ever growing addiction to kitten huffing. It was at this time that Sunshine Biscuit Tzu, on an expedition to sail around the world, stumbled upon the quaint land of Scotland. Finding the land King-less, witless and surprisingly free of trousers, Tzu met with the Holy Bagpipes Guild to assert his position as the King of Scotland. Not realizing Tzu's true motives, the Holy Bagpipes Guild informed Tzu that only a man who could survive sexual intercourse with the Lady of the Lake while being stoned by three conjoined twin midgets could be the king of Scotland. However, as this explanation was complete and utter bullshit, Tzu simply decided that war would be the better option for all parties involved. Having perfected war, Tzu soon had all of Scotland within his grasp. All of the Scots donned cotton pants(trousers), and for a time there was sorrow.
[edit] The Battle of Tim Burton Island Bridge
One day William Wallace was pursuing his daily activities of beating water with a stick, when the grand army of Sunshine Biscuit Tzu began to make their way over a nearby bridge known to all as Tim Burton Island Bridge. William, being the tender age of 25, approached the army to ask for a handful of margarine. Historians to this day still do not know who fired the first shot, but what is certain is that 15 helicopters, 30 armored ground vehicles, 500 shock troops, and one mecha descended upon Wallace. However, with the aid of three gruff billy goats, William carried the day.
[edit] War!
The exploits of William Wallace spread like plenty of butter over a medium sized piece of toast. Soon, Scots from far and wide threw off the pants of their oppression and basked in the freedom they so craved. Battles came and went, but no matter how craftily the great strategist Sunshine Biscuit Tzu restrained the flailing freedoms of the Scots, Wallace was ever present to expose the Scots once more to the new liberty.
[edit] Notable Conflicts
- The Battle of Tim Burton Island
- The Battle of Fraggle Rock
- The Second Battle of Fraggle Rock
- The Sacking of York
- The Battle of the Bulge
- Founding RIT
- an unseemly duff-up in High Holborn
[edit] End of a Man, Beginning of a Legend
About 3/4 of the way through his campaign, William came down with a massive case of the bends while scuba diving off the coast of the Isle of Man. He died swiftly in his mud hut at the tender age of 32. However, by this time, Tzu's grip on Scotland had all but withered. At last, driven from Scotland, Tzu returned to the Orient and went on to write several novels replete with what he had learned during the Pants Wars, compiling them all into one large volume. Wallace was finally laid to rest at the end of a rainbow (this later evolved into the Irish legend of leprechauns). To this day, some say that he still rises from his grave to kill drunk teenagers (this later evolved into a series of urban legends). However, it is in his native land where he is most fondly remembered as, "The fellow who pulled off the pants of our ancestors and made men of them simply by pulling off their pants off of their bums and the like and such as." "Oh yeah. And he looked like Billy Connolly."
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
