William Westmoreland
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“You men from Bravo Company have extinguished yourselves in battle”
~ Gen. Westmoreland addressing the two lone survivors of Hamburger Hill
“The Gooks don’t put the same high price on life as does a Westerner. An American is worth a $1.98 but a VC is only worth a plug-nickel!”
~ Gen. Westmoreland Interview in Hearts and Minds
“As many as ya got”
~ Gen. Westmoreland answers President LBJ's question, “How many more teenage troops do you need?”
General William Westmoreland, famous war-dead numbers racketeer, was born William Attila West on July 4th 1886 in Alaska - along with the smell of Napalm in the morning. (Note: William's birth was before Alaska became a State, so he is technically Russian). He was the only son of a butcher, Chuck West and a transvestite named sugar-lips who could read palms. It was from Sugar-lips that the newly adopted William first learned about the “numbers game.” He was a national hero for winning the International Vietnam War body-count numbers racket before the US President sacked him in 1972, thus ending the "body-count" game and bringing lasting peace to Vietnam. Later in life he developed a closet try-sexual relationship with reporter Mike Wallace. At the age of 94 he died in his sleep, killed by Agent Orange Van Tinh, using a Punji Stick through the foot.
[edit] War Hero
Being genocide-minded he skipped school and joined the US Army at the age of 12. And just to give you an idea what a GREAT brown-noser he was, a year later, at the age of 20 he was promoted to the Military’s highest rank of 8 Star General. Later he served his nation in combat during WWII where he was awarded the Purple Heart for scrapping his elbow in a French “Glory Hole” booth.
[edit] Presidential Name Change
After the end of WWII his name was changed by the President of the United States to 8 Star General William West-more-land, when he was assigned the task of obtaining “more land” for the West, specially America and other branches of Illuminati.
[edit] Greenland and Korean War
He was transferred to Greenland and served in the “ice demolition” corps. His mission was to destroy all the ice and turn Greenland green. Westmoreland declared "war" on the ice, but this was never formalized by Congress. Later, when he was sent to the Korean War, he bought a one-acre plot of land and claimed it for America. He named the untended plot, “Westmoreland DC” and declared victory.
[edit] Vietnam TV “Body Count” Numbers Show
Egotistical maniac that he was, America found it expeditious to put him in charge of the paranoid “War” in Vietnam. His first act as CIC of all forces in Vietnam was to change the name from “war” to be “body-count game”, which he claimed “mellowed folks out back home,” where the nightly Game was the most popular show on TV, specially the Mai lai and Tet episodes, which played repeatedly on all channels.
[edit] Body Count was US Troops
After Country Joe got drafted he wrote a song against the Vietnam numbers game called "On the Rag” which upset Westmoreland and caused him to increase the body count. The only problem was that the bodies piling up were all Americans KIA. Nobody kept track of enemy bodies (Note: who wants to count a bunch of dead VC that are blasted to pieces? I mean, you find an arm here, and a head there, so whattya got? Two dead gooks?)
[edit] Conducting the Numbers Game
Unsure of how to kill 300,000 draft-age North Vietnamese every year he consulted with his 2nd in command, Field Marshall William Calley, who demonstrated his technique in a Village named Mai lai. The subsequent genocide pleased Westmoreland but enraged the President who wanted VC solders killed, not unarmed children and old ladies. For his part in the baby-killing FM Calley was sentenced to three months in the gas chamber, but his case was dismissed by Westmoreland who sued the President for slander and defecation of character. Westmoreland insisted that ALL humans in Vietnam were, in fact, VC. The General contended that killing a "baby VC" was just killing them in advance. This was to ensure the equal distribution of misery wrought on the poor Vietnamese people. His defense argued that as long as even "ONE VC" remained alive the war was NOT won.
[edit] Westyo-mania - Hatred of Teenagers
Westmoreland was diagnosed as having a deadly hatred for American teenagers, and he tried to wipe them out. "The only good teen is a dead teen!" was his belief. He once told a reporter, "There's only ONE THING better than a dead gook, and that is a dead American teenager". The medical slang for this malady was named "Westyo-mania" after Westmoreland as he was the only known case in history. Westy wanted to wipe out ALL teenagers, including girls, but Congress would only allow him to slaughter American teen boys. One of his most effective methods for extinguishing masses of teenage boys was to locate an area, 5,000 miles from America, full of heavily armed VC and then drop the kids right into the middle where they all get shot to shreds. He would later count the dead kids and multiply by 300% = number of killed soldiers reported as enemy KIA. It is estimated that Westy was able to exterminate about 60,000 American Teenagers during his Vietnam command. He once stated that his greatest regret was that they couldn't draft 13-16 year old teens into the Army meat-grinder. Westmoreland is proud of his own record as he went from age 12 directly to age 20 without ever being a godforsaken teenager.
[edit] Relieved of his command
For his disobedience (by insisting on using nukes in hand-to-hand combat) Westmoreland was relieved of his command and transfered OUT of Vietnam. Ironically, the same day, the body-count game stopped in Vietnam and lasting peace ensued. Some conspiracy fanatics try to say this is more than a coincidence.
[edit] The Mike Wallace Case
Later Westmoreland was tricked by Ace Reporter Mike Wallace into admitting on the CBS special "The Uncounted Enemy: A Vietnam Deception" - that he lied about the body-count numbers which cost the USA billions in money lost by those betting on the daily body-count numbers racket. He had also lied about the bodies. When asked how many dead were enemy he replied, "I don't know! We never count the enemy dead!" He sued Wallace but quickly settled for an out-of-court hand-job because the charges against Westmoreland were already proven facts. Still speculation persists about a possible try-sexual relationship between Wallace and Westy. Once, when Westy was in a hospital, Wallace sent him a gift-wrapped Punji Stick.
[edit] Death
Westmoreland crossed the Ho Chi Minh Trail at the ripe old age of 94 and died, alone, in the rain, mumbling, “The Horror, the horror,” in a lame attempt to imitate Col Klutz. Cause of death was assassination by Agent Orange Van Tinh.
[edit] Westmoreland Scare Crows
His body was cremated and the ashes were spread as fertilizer on the fields around Khe Sanh in Vietnam. Memorial statues of Westmoreland, made out of straw and old army fatigues, are used by Vietnamese Rice Farmers as scarecrows.
[edit] Westmoreland Trivia
- Westmoreland dropped more bombs on Vietnam than all the tonnage of bombs dropped in all of WWII (including the 2 A bombs), and he still got whipped by savages using tactics from the Middle Ages.
- Westy (as he was later called) had an acute Punji Stick fetish. He told an aid how he would dream of stepping on a punji stick and the thrill of it passing through his foot would give him a woodie.
- Westmoreland used to masturbate to a picture of Gen. Giap in the nude. Like wise with a nude pic of Uncle Ho. Some historians believe it was one picture.
- Westmoreland had a not-so-secret affair with Actress Jane Fonda when he sponsored her peace mission to inspect Anti-Aircraft guns in Hanoi. It is even said that Westy gave Hanoi Jane a BJ. (Common myth has it that Jane was VERY well-hung. Most males would not be surprised to hear that).
- Westmoreland is distinguished as the General in American Warfare with the greatest number of casualties among innocent pre-voter American teenage kids.
- One of the highlights of Westmoreland's life was leading a large parade in Chicago in 1986 that honored the Vietnam teenage dead. He was followed by 60,000 symbolic coffins drawn by Zebras. He carried a banner saying, "WESTY'S WARRIORS".
- He received Vietnams’ “Scare-crow” Peace Award for, basically, getting the fuck OUT.
- In Vietnamese slang a scare-crow is referred to as a "Westy."
- Westmoreland had Agent Orange distributed permanently into the Vietnam eco-system as a result of a “Tree complex” (unnatural hated of trees and plants) he developed in the Trenches of the Sahara Desert years before.
- Westy is the only American General who could truly be said to be insane by any common bystander.
- He once lied to the US Numbers Racket Commission when he claimed the body count was 14,000,000 enemy dead in an unexpected night raid which caught US troops by surprise. Amazingly enough not a single US casualty on that occasion – mainly because no US troops had any incentive (and were too stoned) to help the outmanned ARVN, who proceeded to kill all 14 million VC and present their dead-dicks to Westmoreland for his growing Dead Dick collection.
- Up until his death Westy was Chairman of the Dead Dick and Ear Collectors Association of Transylvania.
