Willy Wonka

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“Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the chocolate privateer, Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, he's really fucking queer.”

~ Willy Wonka on Willy Wonka

“Did someone say peado? ”

~ Samuel L Jackson on Willy wonka

“omfgiloveoompaloompas.”

~ Sam on Willy Wonka

“JUST CALL ME WILLY FUCKING WONKA! THIS IS MY CHOCOLATE FACTORY!!!”

~ Otis Driftwood on Chocolate Factories

William P. Wonka, Jr. (1843-3920) (AKA Willy Wanker (or Willy Spanker(or Billy Konga(or Johnny Depp)))) is a faggot that was a celebrated "eccentric" millionaire who used midgits covered with patented orange paint (Oompa Loompas) as slave labor to make candy and ICBMs in his sprawling, antiquated, toxin-spewing factory of eternal joy and (s)laughter. Then giving out Golden tickets so people can watch his torture technique.

Contents 1 Life of Wonka 2 Criminal Charges 3 Global affects 4 Biographical Works 5 Great Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000 6 Golden Ticket 7 How to Find a Golden Ticket 8 Trivia 9 Willy Wonka's Patents 9.1 Willy Wonka's Candy 9.2 Other Patents 10 Other Notable Achievements 11 See also

[edit] Life of Wonka

QUEER LEVEL

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Born in Norway, 1843, Willy Wonka was the son of the Mad Hatter, who was forced to raise him as a single parent; the mother could never be determined if she should commit suicide or go on living with a job at Hooters. This single parenthood lifestyle made it hard for the Mad Hatter to make ends meet, and thus he had to take on a second job as a breeder of various pastries. This brought little Willy into contact with the object of the first of his many patents - the donut. The vast amount of money that the patenting of the donut brought in allowed Willy to get the finest education that the 1850's had to offer - a diploma from the sixed sigzed smeventh seventh grade.

After graduation from the seventh grade, Wonka soon became listless from his dreadfully dull life of luxury and pampering. Because of a newfound love for Cartogami, he decided to travel the world. Paris- "Dreadful." Rome- "Frightfully dull." Vienna- "Nothing but a bunch of silly sods." Detroit- "EGADS!" It seemed that nowhere could satisfy the itching of his feet. That is, until he arrived in Loompaland. Loompaland, one of nature's most marvelous creations -- containing lush valleys, soaring mountains, vast fertile plains, innumerable herds of hornswogglers, snozzwangers, n00bs, whangdoodles effortlessly gliding through the stratosphere, and tribe after tribe of friendly and generous Oompa Loompas living in peace with their neighbors and in utter harmony with nature. When confronted with such a boundless Eden of natural beauty and wonder, he did what any industrial capitalist worth his salts would do: pillage, rape, despoil, shackle and enslave everyone and everything humanly possible as far as his beady little dollar-sign filled eyes could see. After draining Loompaland dry, Wonka took the now starving Oompa Loompas under his protective wing as part of an extensive PR campaign - and they made great cheap labor!

Due to a freak accident during the initial testing phases of Wonka-VITE, Wonka was turned into a female for a period of three years. It was during that time that Willy Wilma met and had his her torrid love affair with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Willy Wilma soon became pregnant, thereafter giving birth to the greatest man ever known - Oscar Wilde!

In 1940 Willy Wonka collaborated with Willy Wanker in developing the blueprints of the M-Class bombers which decimated London during the blitz.

Willy Wonka has subsequently been spotted all over the world and has frequently been seen in Cardiff. For more information see Cardiff.

[edit] Criminal Charges

Willy Wonka faced criminal charges on multiple occassions:

- Halloween 1939: Starting a phony War of the Worlds based radio broadcast. Used Orson Wells as a scapegoat.

- 1943: Conspiring against the United States for manufacturing and distributing weapons to the Germans in World War II.

- 1952: Possibly starting a forest fire to expand business. It strikes as odd that he would build a factory at that spot soon afterwards.

- 1954: Attempting to assist the USSR create a nuclear weapon.

- 1957: Trying to spread a panic by attempting to release government evidence on UFOs.

- 1963: Possibly behind the Kennedy Assassination.

- 1967: Accused of putting illegal drugs in candy.

- 1973: Provided drugs to famous musicians.

- 1976: While not formally charged, authorities investigated rumors of a secret conspiracy organized by Willy Wonka that led to Elvis's death. It is well known that they were bitter enemies.

- 1977: Constructed a superlaser and handed it over to the Sith Empire.

- 1980: Sent an Oompa Loompa to attempt to assinate Alvin and the Chipmunks.

- 1983: Along with Michael Jackson, was arrested for oompa loompa sexual abuse

- 1985: Tried to blow up Ric Flair's limosuine.

- 1986: Gave Hulk Hogan the idea to start taking steroids instead of working out fairly.

- 1986(still): Started putting human growth hormone in his Wonka bars.

- 1987: Helped Ted Turner aqcuire World Championship Wrestling or WCW.

- July 4, 1987: Was taken around all of London's traditional, Old-English pubs by the Dreamytime Escorts and didn't bloody even bloody pay!

-July 5, 1987: Killed Mr. Ralph Jolly, AKA the Murderer of Trafalger( who lived next door to the Dreamytime Escorts), and his employer,the Mafia leader Mr. Lovebucket, making Wonka the #1 killer/mafia man in the western hemisphere.

- 1989: Charged with racism and mistreatment of peoples. Again.

- 1993: Accussed of violating union, employ treatment, and mininum wage laws.

- 1995: Helped sneak in a pack of illegal immigrants from Mexico.

- 1996: Accused of hiring illegals.

- 1996: Uncovered an ancient an ancient stone tablet with a drawing of a small, furry animal on it in the middle of the Sahara Desert, subsequently deciding to create a shitty anime series based around it.

- 1997: Accused of outsourcing.

- 2000: Slaughtering over 3,456 Oompa Lompas fighting for their freedom during the Oompa Lompa Uprising of 2000.

- 2001: Helped Osama Bin Laden with the 9/11 World Trade Center attack.

- 2003: Helped Sadam Hussein get rid of his WMDs and make Bush look bad.

- 2005: Helped Al Qaueda get involved with Iraq and forces the press to make phony stories about the war going bad.

- 2006: Molestation and rape charges.

- 2007: Inspired Hilary Clinton to run for president.

- 2007:Dropped a 16 ton weight on WWE superstar the Undertaker, killing him immediatly. However, the Undertaker retuned to life in time for Wrestlemania 23, and still found found time to track down Willie Wonka and completely beat the s*@! out of him!!!

- 2008: Blackmailed Roger Clemens' friend to say he took steroids which Clemens did. The 'roids were provided by Wonka himself years earlier.

-2008: Faced with the murder of Heath Ledger. Was found guilty and was imprisoned but escaped. Americas most Wanted has featured him 55 times since 1998.

-1903-2008: Charged with over 300 billion counts of attempted grand theft auto and tried to steal every car from the Model T Ford to the prototype cars of the future. Between June 12 and July 5,1969, Mr. Wonka attempted to steal every single car in Los Angelas (the city on wheels). Then in 1972, he tried to steal the Ford Auto Plant in Detroit,Michigan. The approximate costs of Willie's car-jacking spree have been estimated at over $140 billion as of Feb., 2008

-Malnourishing his employees...only feeding them low quality chocolate.

-Training an army of enslaved deformed children

-Breaking charlie's roof

People do not ask is Wonka going to commit another crime, they ask when is he going to commit another crime. Time Magazine voted him the most evil man of the century in 2000.

-As of the year 2954, Wonka is expected to have developed extremely advanced nuclear and laser-guided weaponry. This weaponry will have the amazing ability to run almost entirely off of chocolate with just a little bit of vanilla icing mixed in. This mixture has been recently discovered by scientists to be an an extremely flamable substance that endangers all of humankind when Wonka gets his hands on a big enough supply of it.

[edit] Global affects

Willy Wonka Stated at his last Kill the starving children campaign that he has not plans to got Carbon Neutral, When asked why he said "fuck the planet i'll fuck it up if i want to" His factory spews out 14236 tons of CO2 Every 2.56 days, especially when he lures girls into his 'garbage chute'.

[edit] Biographical Works

An exposé documentary: Charlie And The Wonky Willy Chocolate Cock Factory, with re-creations of Wonka's depravity enacted by Gene Wilder (best known as author of the classic play Our Town), was released in 1971. It was very wonky. In 1984, Wonka's chocolate factory was investigated by the Neo-American CIA, and a large subterranean cavern was found with large quantities of Orange Paint, brushes, several cages, dozens of FDA violations, and approximately 200 kilograms of cocaine. It is presumed that this is where midgets of all races met with Wonka's Equal Opportunity Employer Policy. Wonka himself has never been available to comment on this practice, but has come forward to discourse with the Press on a variety of topics, including poetry, government, Freud, and the most effective use of a Wooden Spoon.

According to the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Wonka was a rich, eccentric, and lonely single man tired of ruling his chocolate empire who decided to retire and let somebody else take care of his bussiness. To do this, he established a contest to choose a chocolate Padawan to take his place. Eventually a young chap named Charlie Bucket is chosen as his one true successor and the sexiest kid of his dreams. He is officially the greatest pedophile that ever lived. At the very end of the movie, everyone dies as the Neo-American Army preforms an air-strike. However, that was not originally part of the plot. Willy got out via the magical glass escape-pod.

In the film he was said to have read such lines such as Come in to my room little one. and do you want to see my massive blue gobstoppers. Also said Who fancies a chocolate bananna to insert in to your mouths!

[edit] Great Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000

In the year 2000 there was an uprising among the Oompah Loopahs enslaved in Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory. The Revolt was led by Todd Lindstrom, one of the foremost Oompah Loompah assassins trained by Wonka himself. The revolt was only semi-successful as Todd Lindstrom was only able to gain the freedom of between 25 and 50 Oompah Loompahs. It is reported that Willy Wonka has been sending Pokemon after the escaped Oompah Loompahs as they can eat 10 of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. Todd Lindstrom is still at large.

[edit] Golden Ticket

A Golden Ticket is a universal pass and form of currency. It is usually traded to get into places, people, sex, oompah loompahs(wtf), to score points, or for ridiculous sums of money.

[edit] How to Find a Golden Ticket

Golden tickets can be found by fat people that eat too much chocolate, in an opposing team’s flag, or by making you own. You can also get Golden tickets by doing trannies and Sharon Osbourne.

[edit] Trivia

• Notably, Willy Wonka now the sole manufacturer of the popular soft drink Illicit Bang, for the Prince of Wales.

• Not to be confused with Willy Wanker.
• Was the inventor of Bubbaloo, but lost the patent to Kurt Cobain

• With the recent disintergration of Noel Edmonds by one of the people in the audience that he asked 'It's You!' who turned out to be the former ad-campaigner for The National Lottery in the UK, it has been announced that Wonka will take Edmonds place as presenter of Deal or No Deal. Along with his conditions for taking the job the contestant's age limit will be put down to seven and they will all stay in his hotel room instead of having their own.

[edit] Willy Wonka's Patents

[edit] Willy Wonka's Candy

• Necco Communion Wafers
• Cillit Bang
• Sea-Salt Ice Cream
• Laffy Taffy
• LSD
• Everlasting Gobstopper
• Chocolate covered Evil Pizza slices
• Wil Wheaton wax mustaches
• Cocaine Cola
• Pot-Pops
• I Can't Believe It's Not Semen!
• 'Roids

[edit] Other Patents

• Wonka-VITE - The greatest treatment for erectile dysfunction known to man. Just one dose allows an average human male to sustain an erection non-stop for twenty years. After Wonka-VITE hit the shelves , a massive (16 - 39, to be exact) number of cheap imitations quickly sprung up and penetrated the market, such as Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and porn.
• Orange Paint - An orange body paint used exclusively on his Oompa Loompas. The body paint, although highly toxic, proved to be an excellent way of locating and capturing escapees.
• Jesus' ol' fashioned basket o' endless bread n' fish - Considered by some to be Wonka's greatest invention, although most others disagree because they don't want to be labeled as Christian, Wonka managed to replicate the basket original jesus used to feed 50 ewoks. The basket ended up eating Wonka's soul in 1954. It is currently used as a prize on the hit game-show Meal or No Meal.
• The Great Glass Wonkavator - An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways and squareways and frontways and zigways and zagways and crossways and thisways and thatways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in Wonka's whole factory just by pressing one of the buttons. Any of the buttons. Just press a button and ZING! You're off. Wonka likes to use the Wonkavator to play pranks, set up elaborate traps, appear at the other side of the room while the person he is talking to is turning around to the other direction, and other things while he is bored.

[edit] Other Notable Achievements

• Collaborated during 1978 on an album with George Clinton entitled Charlie and the Chocolate City. The album includes smash hits such as "Wonka Wants to Get Phunked Up" and "Side Effects (of Three-Course Meal Bubblegum)."
• Rescued Mario and Luigi from the minus world.
• Founded Cancanada in 2007.
• Holds Mayorship of Chocolate City
• Holds the position as the Most Evil Man of the Century in the Twentieth Century by Time Magazine.
• Has evil counterpart, Adolph Wonka, on Earth-Q, who used his Nazi Gobstoppers to control Jon Stewart.
• Successfully defended himself from a "look and feel" anti-trust suit from Microsoft during the Aesthetics War of 2008.
• Once played Tug-of-war with a brick wall. He lost.

[edit] See also

HowTo: Go to Work on Drugs - Part 1