Winner
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“I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?”
~ Beck on not being a winner
“In Soviet Russia, a you is WINNER!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on grammar
Winners are the complete opposite of losers. Though winners are ones most hated by the losers, they are also what losers want to become themselves. You are a loser. This is generally speaking of course. You are not a loser if you have pie, having pie makes you a winner. Having pi, however, makes you a loser.
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[edit] Definition
There are many ways to define a winner, but being able to immediately say whether one is one is not so clear-cut. The definition of winner could mean gaining something, being the best at something, just not being a loser, and so on. Here is a quick list of all things that make a winner:
- Hot new car - especially when won
- Sex - instant winner-maker, except with real fat chicks and yourself
- Grue hunting - makes you instantly desirable... until you die
- Money - it can also buy you happiness
- Power - not to be confused with absolute power, that stuff makes you a loser
- Oscar - both the movie-type and the Wilde-type
- Dance - through the power of dance, anyone can turn out a winner!
- Engrish - makes you unexpectedly super-cool
and last but not least...
- Winning - good luck
But above all, all winners have pie. It may not be obvious, it's just that most winners have it as what is called their inner pie. One's inner pie is not visible to the unaided eye. Speaking of pies, look at that chick's pies, we could have some of that...
nate wins at everything foorrreeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!
[edit] Confusion
Besides winner and losers, there are also others in between. By separating them into three more categories, we can add further confusion in an attempt to clarify.
[edit] Winning losers
It is possible to obtain one or more of the above list and still be a loser. These people are called winning losers, and they are as pathetic as the typical loser, except people hate them more. Generally, winning losers do not have their inner pie, and most of them have what is called suck. More often than not, it's balls that are the object of this suck.
A list of winning losers to help you comprehend:
- George W. Bush - he has power, but he sucks balls
- Bill Gates - he has money, but Windows sucks balls
- Ballet dancers - they can dance, but fuck 'em
- Paris Hilton - she has sex, but we got her video (and she sucks balls)
Speaking of Paris Hilton, look at her suck those balls, yeah...
[edit] Losing winners
The opposite of winning losers are obviously losing winners, who have inner pie but don't got anything in the list. In this catefory, what generally indicates a losing winner is Jesus love.
Includes:
- Grues - they're cool, and Jesus loves them
- God - He don't really got any power, but Jesus loves Him anyway
- Accountants - who added them to the list?
[edit] Unwinners
Most important of all are the unwinners who fulfill the list and have pie, but are still not immediately seen as winners by everybody, neccessarily.
They include:
- Osama bin Laden - money and power, and he's brilliant at hide-and-seek
- Stephen Hawking - sex, and with a lot of women, especially nurses
- The little engine that could - power, just enough of it
Speaking of the little engine that could, look how cute he is! ^^
[edit] Everything
"Winning isn't everything."
This quote sucks but it's true. If winning is everything, then everything is winning, and you certainly are not. Due to the unfortunate fact that you are part of everything, it follows that everything isn't winning, and therefore winning isn't everything. QED.
"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."
This quote sucks because it's not true. There is more than one thing. Therefore, both these authors are losers.
[edit] Life of a winner
It ain't easy being a winner, despite all the glamor and glory.
- Take Russell Crowe. He has Oscar, yet he gets sued for phoning someone.
- Take Billy Elliot. He has dance, yet he has to get molested by a queer.
- Take random Chinese guy. He has Engrish, yet his dick is short.
- Take Steve Irwin. He has Grue-hunting, yet he dies. :'(
- Take Pimps. They have hot new cars, yet it's hard out here for a pimp.
As you can see, not all winners have the pleasant, happy life.
So remember: if you didn't win go see Losing or Lose
[edit] See also
- Loser
- Writer of the Month awards (really a bunch of winning losers)
- Grue
- Oscar Wilde
- Game:Rules
- Why?:Give Up
