Windows 3.1
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- Due to technical reasons, the article is named thus, the correct name would be wINDOwS31 (too long file name error)
“Still better than Windows ME.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Windows 3.1
“I'm telling you, Windows 3.1 is just DOS in disguise!”
~ Sun-Tzu on Windows 3.1
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
~ Anyone on having a computer with Windows 3.1 installed.
Windows 3.1™ was an attempt by quadruple-glass window manufacturers to get consumers to buy more windows by brainwashing them. They claimed that when new holographic imaging systems came onto the market, only their kind of windows would be compatible. This, however, was untrue, as holographic imaging systems are the sole property of Starfleet and would not be coming into the market until the year 2095.
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[edit] Features
It is terribly difficult to identify the features of Windows 3.1 as it has so many design flaws. It is also difficult to identify the design flaws because there are so many superficial design flaws that they crowd out the fundamental design flaws. According to Microsoft, the fundamental design flaws are listed by Microsoft Developers! as being in the basic engine/core/kernel of Windows 3.1, and the superficial design flaws are found in the Accessories folder - demonstrating Microsoft's Help systems to be as unhelpful as ever. The accessories include MS Paint, Notepad, Solitaire, Calculator, Minesweeper, and Hello World.
Additionally, Windows 3.1 was shipped with that new-fangled creation called "Fonts 2.0". Not only did this break Microsoft's reliance on Adobe for fonts, after the 3.11 upgrade those fonts became legible, ushering in a new era in desktop publishing.
In order to capture the Central and Eastern European markets, Microsoft went so far as to issue yet another version of Windows 3.1 called Windows 3.1 for Central and Eastern Europe. As you might have guessed, this operating system came with all red fonts, to please the ultra-nationalistic-red commie palate. While this offering allowed Microsoft to initially dominate the communist market, they would later lose much of it to Linux, an operating system designed by, for, and around communists.
The first batch of 100 copies of Windows 3.1 was equipped with all the drivers for full support to 128 GB cable connections, support for 1024 TB-sized drives, undecipherable crypting algorithms and wireless networking with satellite connecting capabilities, and a full set of professional-level software. They also included quantum copyright tags to prevent illegal copying of the diskettes. This caused any computer present at the time run slow so the features were dropped in later batches. It's widely suspected that these original diskettes are used as central hubs in the Internet.
[edit] The upgrade from Windows 1.0
Nothing much different. Bill Gates hired some children instead of monkeys. And the Blue Screen of Death was brought to a whole new level with some words on it such as "too bad" and "your computer is out of RAM and therefore Minesweeper is unavailable." Also, this version introduced the highly debated wmiprvse.exe application, which constantly runs in the background greatly "enhancing" the user experience.
Although Bill Gates was a genius with numbers, he thought the numbers 2 and 3 far too overrated, thus naming the new Windows "3.1", not only to make the naming process much more confusing but to make Microsoft's reputation turn into the wackiest company in America, a reputation which it still holds proudly today.
[edit] Requirements and Installation
- This section was written by Strong Bad, and may be of questionable accuracy.
Well, first off, you're gonna need lots more RAM. Lots more frekkin' RAM. It doesn't matter how much frekkin' RAM your computer has, you're gonna need more because Windows is greedy.
You will also need a large hard drive because Windows needs storage space to install all the programs that you will never use. The best part of this experience is that these applications can't be uninstalled. Also Windows will make extra copies of it self and other programs to keep them safe, in particular it will overwrite other useless files such a pictures of your grandmother or your term paper. Windows just keeps sucking free hard drive space the more you use the operating system that you will eventually need to be a new hard drive in just a few months. If that isn't enough, installing required weekly security updates will eat up the remainder of free space.
So you're gonna need such a big hard drive and so much frekkin' RAM that you're gonna be afraid that your computer is going to explode when you turn it on. When you turn it on however, don't be alarmed. It's not going to explode or do anything near that exciting.
The first thing that's gonna happen is a buncha text is gonna appear on your screen saying things like "Non-system disk or disk error." I'd suggest going out to lunch or doing something else fun away from your computer at this point. If the same text is still there when you return as when you left, you could have problems.
The next thing you're going to need to do is to buy a mouse. Just go to your local pet store and pick one out. I'd suggest reading the Murphy's Laws of DOS chapter on "The Care and Feeding of your Mouse." Mouses (they aren't called mice, they're called mouses in the PC world, moron) are like your best friend. You can pretty much throw your keyboard away at this point because you won't need it anymore once you get your new quadruple-glass Windows running in order to play Minesweeper.
They take like 50 frekkin' megs of RAM (wow isn't that an incredibly huge amount?) but those quadruple glass windows with the little Xs on them are like the most windows in Starfleet, man.
[edit] Windows 3.1.4159
This version of Windows appears after the user had updated Windows 4159 times. The source code had been reproduced at below:
#include "crash.h"
void main()
{
if (WINDOWS_IN_SESSION == 1)
{
printf("Where do you want to go today:");
printf("1) BSOD");
printf("2) No restart");
printf("3) Exit without warning");
scanf("%d",s);
}
System.Crash();
}
