Windows 3.1 (demo)
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“I didn't like it anyways, so I just made a BSOD built in it!”
~ Bill Gates on Windows 3.1 (demo)
Windows 3.1 (demo) is the first of Bill Gates "masterpieces". It had no copyright whatsoever, the startup screen lies. It was his first attempt at total robot domination.
As a system, it didn't act very normal, and had many bugs (being only a demo). It was released in the Dark Ages before computers were invented, so people had to stare out of an actual window until they died or until computers were invented, whichever one came first. Bill Gates planned their deaths. This fact didn't stop some people from attempting to use it however, usually with disastrous results. This is why we are now all controlled by George W. Bush.
Windows 3.1 (demo) took the revolutionary step (i.e. stolen from Macintosh) of parcelling screen size into lots of different tables called "windows". Everybody was knocked out by this, but it was the 1980s and everybody loved Poison or David Hasselhof, so it didn't take a lot for people to be impressed.
Contents |
[edit] Contents
These were taken directly from the manual. All features are installed and can't be removed, whether you like it or not!
- Game. Fun.
- VGA video driver (maximum 16 colors, so don't whine)
- OK button.
- Cancel button. Don't!
- Lotsa other buttons to push and screw up your machine. A lot.
- Words.
- Images. (not included in demo!)
- Microsoft Chisel Word
- Microsoft Chisel Excel
- Microsoft Chisel Point
- Microsoft Chisel Shizzle
- Microsoft Chisel Chisel (they will chisel you out of your holes!)
- "Execute" function. This was to control the robots.
- System.
- A system clock wound by hand.
- Microsoft Hammer Word (upgraded version of Chisel)
- Microsoft Hammer Excel (upgraded version of Chisel)
- Microsoft Hammer PowerPoint (upgraded version of Chisel)
- Microsoft Hammer Chisel (yes, it included Chisel!)
- Microsoft Hammer Hammer (this is used to crash a computer!)
- Microsoft Hammer Chisel Chisel (processor driver vital for function, not included in demo )
[edit] Minimum Requirements
- 5MB free on hard drive
- 0.000000000000001 MB of RAM
- 1KB graphics card
- 27" monitor
- Keyboard
- Mice (yes, plural, at least 22, 35 or 49 recommended)
- Spare time
- Patience * billion*billion
- Thorough knowledge of coding and bat files
- Full version of Windows 3.1
[edit] Recommended Requirements
- 500TB free on hard drive (75% unremovable garbage)
- 8TB of RAM
- 2TB graphics card with video out, preferably running in CrossFireXtremePro or SLI (allows user to output 640X480 signal which is converted into a blurry mess on a 1080i HDTV)
- 40" monitor (for best 640X480 resolution view performance - anything lower will result in Windows reverting to 320X240)
- Keyboards
MiceTablets- More spare time
- Fingers to tear out hair
- HD-DVD player (to maximize video output of full 640X480 resolution)
[edit] Add ons
- Microsoft Smoke Signal (Cheyenne not Apache)
- Assembler Macro Language for Masochists
- Microsoft Chisel Office to work with stone printing.
- After Dark to make you feel as if really Windows 3.1 was really the most awesome thing since the Space Age.
