Microsoft
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“..more bugs than a Chinese restaurant.”
~ Captain Obvious on Windows Vista
“Even the bugs have bugs!”
~ Captain Obvious on Windows Vista
“If you play the Windows Vista CD backwards, it plays a satanic message.”
~ Satan
“It plays a satanic message? That's nothing! If you play it forwards it installs Windows.”
Micro$$$oft, also known as Micro-The-Fucking-Best BITCHES, and formerly known as My-Crow-Soft,inspired by disciplined structure of a old crow's nest, is a former world domination axed company that now produces nerve cell destroying software. The destruction first targets the occipital lobe part of the brain, causing you to not see the various crashes and bugs in the system and only see a fake view of a effective computer.The opposite of Microsoft is working
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[edit] Business models
All Microsoft products come with a built-in hand greedily searching your wallet. In the meantime, Linux shipped everything without such a legal feature. That was a problem. The lack of a price tag on the Linux side proved to be a killer to Microsoft. While both Linux and Windows were being pirated day and night, Microsoft lost several thousand dollars with each illegal download while Linux lost nothing. To do something for the problem, Microsoft has developed a new and totally free Office 2008. It costs just $70.
[edit] History
Prediction
- Nostradamus predicted that Windows will appear.[1] Here is the prediction:
“I see bugs, many bugs, A LOT OF BUGS, CAN'T LOOK ANY MORE!!!”
~ Nostradamus- This was the last prediction of Nostradamus. After seeing all the bugs in Windows, Nostradamus suffered total brain injury and crashed.
New technologies
First success
- After a bit of researching for porn and drinking vodka with cocaine they had some ideas:
- Smash the computer technology
- Using the newest bugs and errors, Windows Vista can now anger anyone. Even a peaceful Buddhist.
- Errors with built-in bugs
Some errors can't be generated because of bugs in the annoying core function in Windows. "These problems will be solved in this millennium," officials say.
- RSoD
RSoD
RSoD is the ultimate punishment for starting Windows Vista. It is more likely to appear if you use Windows XP. This is because the kernel of Windows Vista is made to become a cataclysmically bugged-in combination with a more stable Windows.
[edit] Errors
Errors have evolved over the years and are appreciated by many critics.
- As you see in the following error, Windows has no intelligence at all. So don't bother to ask why it's trying to erase your hard drive.
- Windows has lost its mind.
- Windows knows that his applications damage the computer, so he closes them.
- The reason "some reason" is in fact the real reason for which the printing failed.
- Just for the sake of consistency.
- Finally,the system is working!
- AT LAST, sanity achieved
[edit] Operating System Versions
Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:
- MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
- MS-DOS - a more refined version of the contained MS-UNO GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millennia in front of a computer screen.
- MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interface.
- Windows 3.1 - Look It's All Blue!
- Windows 42 - Just like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation.
- Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the meantime he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive research and development.
- Windows 95 - What do you want to stare at today?
- Windows 98 - The only virus you pay to install on your system.
- Windows 2000 - It was made to be just like Windows 2010. Instead, it destroyed three other universes
- Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery. Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this possibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.
- Also, due to its annoying habit of suddenly crashing, no-one has yet successfully used Windows ME and
- Windows XP - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time (or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports).
- An elderly IT tutor at College told me, "It is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at porn sites." Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.
- Windows Vista- The newest version of Windows which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics. Needless to say it is incompatible with most on-board graphics cards. This version offers security, quality spyware, 3D, RSoD and many other great features.
- Windows 7 - Windows 7 codenamed "Vienna" is the newest OS from Microsoft.Vienna citizens sued Microsoft because they have a beautiful city.
- Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.
- Windows 2010 - This OS installs and then immediately crashes. Pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL is rumored to "pwn" the hard drive while turning off the PC. To reboot could have dire consequences for all the dark matter in the universe. Only three copies were ever sold, one to a man named Harry Winkler. He managed to wipe out half of Arizona after he tried to install Microsoft Works.
[edit] The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software
The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics[3]. Throughout the history and versions of Paint (1.0, 2.0, 3.1, 4.0, 5.1 and 6.0 with version 7 to come), it has been a success knocking off CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in Windows. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Alps , Van Gogh and ended up with , Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing mustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.
[edit] Cars
Micro$oft cars seemed like a good idea, but the prototypes were riddled with problems:
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
- You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
- Ubuntu makes a car that's solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only pisses once a day on the Microsoft car.
- The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights were replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
- New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
- The airbag would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- Navigon system have to reboot everytime the car start.
The Microsoft Car is due for release soon.
[edit] Myths
- Microsoft tests Windows Vista on unsuspecting persons, 83% died.
- Bill Gates hates British people.
- Vista has snail speed performance.
- Bill Gates hates the French because they tried to eat Vista.
- SKYnet was developed to help Microsoft users
- Recently, Microsoft has shown approval of black people. This has caused Microsoft's stocks to drop drastically.
- Marslander was not lost on mars, it just sits there with a BSOD on the display as parts of the coding was used from some unknown version of MS Windows. Scientist were embarassed to learn that the BSOD happened immediately while it dumped it's memory all by itself, leaving itself braindead.
[edit] The Great War of 2012
[edit] Working for Microsoft
Getting a job at Microshit is very difficult. To even qualify, you must be a native born, born and raised, and you must be willing to work for no more than $3.00 a day along with talking on a phone. However, sometimes Micro-shit generous and will also hire people from Mexico, the Philippines, and many other popular countries where American Jobs are outsourced.
If you are qualified to become an employee for Microsoft, you must pass a very rigorous. Candidates are sent to Microsoft headquarters to the river Styx in Hell. A round of interviews takes place there, with amazingly hard questions being asked, such as:
- How many billions has Bill Gates spent on charity? (hint: it starts with a 0)
- Where do you see Google in 5 years?
- Design the 9 square feet (836127 square millimeter) office you'll have to work on. How would it be different if you were blind? Or deaf? Or mute? What if you didn't have hands? Or feet? What about all of those things together?
- OK remember... you will have only one computer to work on for the rest of your life! Choose an OS:
- Mac OS X
- Linux
- FreeBSD
After all of the written testing, you are then given a DNA test to find out whether or not you are a human. This is to keep away all apples and penguins from working for Microsoft. After that, candidates are hired or not, depending on their luck. If they are hired, Microsoft will provide an extensive package of perks, such as 5% discounts to buy any Microsoft products, one T-shirt and a free DVD from Disney (the free DVD only cost $14.99 with shipping and handling!).
[edit] Products
[edit] Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:
- Nazisoft Vindows NZ-Final Solution Edition
- Microsoft Blue Screen Of Death 2009
- MS Paint
- Microsoft Access
- Microsoft Sinking Navy (MSN)
- Notepad
- WordPad
- MS Calculator
- Microsoft Publisher
- Microsoft Excel
- Microsoft Visual Basic
- Microsoft Visual Studio
- Microsoft Paintcan
- Micrsoft Red Ring of Death
- 3D Movie Maker
[edit] Products currently in development:
- Microsoft thaiPod
- Microsoft Longtongue.
- Microsoft Jihad
- Microsoft Works (abandoned after incompatibility in the name)
- Class-5 Hydrogen/Uranium Fission Reactor (only available in Japan and suburbs of Los Angeles)
- Skynet
[edit] See also
- Windows Error
- CTRL-ALT-DEL
- MicroSonyNtendo
- Blue Screen of Death
- The Official Microsoft Blue Screen of Death Game — Ver3
- Evil corporations
- Microsoft Word Paperclip
[edit] Notes and references
Microsoft sucks.
 Needs Recooking (Get featured) |
