Windows 98
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I have mastered the art of the blue screen.”
~ Bill Gates on crack
“So you just plug in the scanner, now notice the model... oh shit.”
~ Bill Gates on the first time he started up Windows.
“So we'll just turn it on and shove it in my vagina... oh shit.”
~ Lithina on the first time she started up Windows.
“Fuck off.”
~ Windows 98 on The first time Bill Gates started up Windows.
“Oh fuck, again!?”
~ Apple on Windows 98
“Save me, Jesus!”
~ Common User on Windows 98
“Worst operating system EVER!”
~ The Comic Book Guy on Windows 98
“Fucking Windows 98!”
~ United States Government on Windows 98
“This actually works until it doesn't.”
~ Captain Obvious on Windows 98
A working successor to Windows 95, which never was released, since its development was based on the false assumption that electricity actually works. Windows 98 was a minor revision of Windows 95. And if you don't believe, you are a MORON. It is powered by the powerful SANDERS KERNEL and the 7 spices boot loader.
The recently developed motto at the time for Windows 98 was its major theme tune, "If it doesn't crash frequently, something is seriously wrong."
Contents |
[edit] History
The direct predecessors to Windows 98, Windows 96, was shipped in 1997 but was unusable because, as Microsoft soon learned, the standard keyboard does not contain the "Spling" button, the most important one. On the day it came out, admissions to hospitals increased 3-fold. After learning this, they developed Windows 97, only to learn that there was no "Globlaq" button either. So, they used CTRL, ALT, DELETE, and the Windows logo in their place. A patch had to be released to support all other keyboard buttons. Windows 98 was effectively obsoleted by Windows 3.1, which was developed in 1984 by George Orwell. Go figure.
[edit] Known Problems
The problem that the intended target platform for Windows 98 grandmothers who often asked "Does my IBM have enough space for the Internet?" were just plain too stupid to use a computer. Then Microsoft marketed to 1337-HaXXors, but they nit-picked every part of the OS. Bill Gates was so angry that he ran into Microsoft headquarters and shot half of his staff.
[edit] Leaked Sauce
The L337 H4X0Rs at KissMyFloppy came to acquire the sauce code for Windows 98. The leaked sauce made the news after a developer placed a leaking sauce packet on top of mainframe whilst he sat down to eat his burger. The sauce destroyed all of Microsoft's original files, which is why support for previously sold versions was quickly dropped. Fortunately, one of the developers managed to find the Windows 98 listing on some pieces of recycled paper that were in one of the toilet cubicles.
/*
* TOP SECRET Microsoft® Code
* Project: ItsReallyChicagoEvenThoughWeSayOtherwise™
* Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "mac os 9.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "viruses.h"
#include "8762234555_Funny_ERRORmsg"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
mouse.setSpeed(very_slow);
mouse.setAction(jumpy);
mouse.setReaction(sometimes);
}
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_BSOD_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
/* printf("Welcome to Windows XP"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows Vista"); */
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
printf("Insert Windows 98 install CD into CD-ROM drive!")
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
if (create_system_backup)
{
create_system_backup();
randomize_backup_file();
}
create_general_protection_fault();
while (keyboard_status == notpresent)
{
printf("Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.");
}
}
Please note this code above is from the 1st edition. The second edition sauce code is nearly identical to the one above, but with added Plug-and-Play support for 5.25" floppy disk drives.
