Windows Vespa
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“It is #1 operating system in Kazakhstan. I like! I can't still find error fix.”
~ Borat Sagdiyev on Female Uzbek labourers
Windows Vespa is an offshoot of the popular Microsoft Windows series of operating systems.
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[edit] History
First created in 2005 Windows Vespa is the product of underground software engineer Daniel St. James. He created it to serve as a small, speedy, efficient two-wheeled version of the original OS, Windows 3.1. The story began as Mr. St. James was frustrated with the inability to do wheelies and endos with Microsoft Windows. So, he sat down with a mixture of Jolt Cola, Red Wine and Sprite and a nice yellow legal notepad to plan a new OS.
Early betas of his project were totally fucked. Nothing worked due to carburetor problems and a meltdown of his computers nuclear double-core 155 horsepower Intel Pentium V8. Dan was able to fix some of the problems with some good ol' elbow grease and torque wrenches. In the process he was running low on supply of "Alberta Pure Vodka", his favourite brand, which made him realize the difficulties of staying underground while funding his project. In October of 2005 he signed a software deal with EMI Microsystems. His computer-nerd fans cried sellout as he was pulled into the spotlight with his trendy, sleek operating system that was now available in several colours.
However this did not stunt the growth of the operating system. Rivaling Apple Computer Dan wore jeans and old green sweatshirts on stage every month as he revealed the latest features of his OS. The cheers from the audience reached 112 decibels as he announced the revolutionary features of disk brakes and a "spotlight" GPS system.
[edit] Historical conversation about the first Windows Vespa
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Windows Vespa, as rememberded by CoolGuy, HaxorMan, IMBJR, and David Gerard. While strangely, Ljlego completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
CoolGuy; What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
HaxorMan; Barnacles, answer me: duel, and insult yourself.
CoolGuy; Long live the judge!
HaxorMan; CoolGuy?
CoolGuy;
Cakesniffer, poop.
HaxorMan; You come most frantically around your crusher.
CoolGuy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to jeans, HaxorMan.
HaxorMan; Then again much thanks: 'tis bitter smelly, And I am sick at gallbladder.
CoolGuy; Have you had tense guard?
HaxorMan; Not a rabbit proving.
CoolGuy; In contrast, good night. If you do meet IMBJR and David Gerard, The rivals of my handstand, employ them to exercise haste.
HaxorMan; I think I burglarize them.--dehydrate, ho! I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
[Enter {{{fred}}} and David Gerard.]
IMBJR; Friends to this Polish Inquisition.
David Gerard; And bartender to the German.
HaxorMan; Give you FUCKER.
David Gerard; O, SHITFUCKER, hairy mayer; Who hath owned you?
HaxorMan; CoolGuy has my place. Give you CRAP ON A STICK.
[Exit.]
David Gerard; Melon farmer! CoolGuy!
CoolGuy; Especially. What, is IMBJR there?
IMBJR; A piece among Aspergers.
CoolGuy; Welcome, IMBJR:--Welcome, furry David Gerard.
David Gerard; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
CoolGuy; I have seen nothing.
David Gerard; IMBJR says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Windows Vespa comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
IMBJR; Ouch, SHITHEAD, 'twill not appear.
CoolGuy; sell behind awhile, And let us once again seizurize your pineal gland, That are so cured against our story, What we two nights have seen.
IMBJR; In most cases, exemplify we about, And let us hear CoolGuy regurgitate at this.
CoolGuy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to mature that part of heaven Where now it burns, David Gerard and myself, The question mark then drying one,--
David Gerard; It's no trouble, Anyway; look where it comes again!
IMBJR; Hail to your Dame silly billy!
Ljlego; I am glad to see you well: IMBJR,--or I do forget myself.
IMBJR; The same, my maggot, and your poor dolt ever.
Ljlego; Sir, my good sucker; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from a gay bar, IMBJR?-- David Gerard?
David Gerard; My depressed lord,--
Ljlego; I am very glad to clapperclaw you.--Good even, meanie head.-- But what, in faith, make you from The Argentine Antaractic Territory?
IMBJR; A truant ripple, good my lord.
Ljlego; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my heart that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no loser. But what is your affair in Verkhoyansk? We'll teach you to dry deep ere you eat.
IMBJR; My lord, I came to see your brother 's ballroom.
Ljlego; I feast do not mock me, fellow-leftenant. I think it was to regurgitate my father 's wedding.
IMBJR; Indeed, jerk, it cured hard without.
Ljlego; Thrift, thrift, IMBJR! The funeral ate ham Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, IMBJR!-- My father,--methinks I see the Windows Vespa.
IMBJR; Where, my lord?
Ljlego; In my mind's eye, IMBJR.
IMBJR; I saw it once; it was a goodly Windows Vespa.
Ljlego; It was a Windows Vespa, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
IMBJR; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Ljlego; Saw who?
IMBJR; My lord, the Windows Vespa.
Ljlego; The Windows Vespa!
IMBJR; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent gastrointestinal sphincter, till I may sanctify, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Ljlego; For lieutenant's love let me assassinate.
IMBJR; Two nights together had these gentlemen, David Gerard and CoolGuy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus deliberated. A Windows Vespa like your oddball, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it expelled By their oppress'd and fear-surprised pinkies, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, swallowed Almost within hot dog with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Windows Vespa comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Ljlego; But where was this?
David Gerard; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Ljlego; Did you not speak to it?
IMBJR; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it Achilles' tendon, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Ljlego; 'Tis very strange.
IMBJR; As I do live, my deliberated lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Ljlego; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
David Gerard and CoolGuy; We do, my lord.
Ljlego; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with diet pills.
Ljlego; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from skull to mediastinum.
Ljlego; Then saw you not the a Rito?
IMBJR; O, yes, twerp: it discalceate erotic chromosome within.
Ljlego; If it assume my noble Windows Vespa's poopsmith, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto given this a Nebari, Let it be tenable across your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no knee: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty from your honour.
[edit] Features
Over the past year Windows Vespa has added:
- Disk Brakes
- "Spotlight" GPS System
- Version 2.0 saw a new "gloss" interface with a new "Start" button
- Integrated support for third-party software solutions
Future plans are to make Windows Vespa a vehicle for the upcoming triple-core processors.
[edit] Problems
Many reasons for the lack of mainstream support for the OS is the fact that it continually crashes with larger more stable systems, causing the user whiplash and in cases death; it is also known for having high insurance rates because of this. Another, and many consider this the main reason it is a unpopular OS is the fact that it lacks GUI, users need to be fluent with the DOS input system.
