Windows Vista
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| (Part of the Microsoft Windows family) | |
| Screenshot | |
 A screenshot of Windows Vista, demonstrating the innovative capabilities of Microsoft and a breathtaking implementation of new features invented from the ground up by its user experience team. Note that your computer will probably not support this kind of graphics (see Minimum Requirements below).
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| Developer | |
| Microsoft | |
| Web site: www.microsoft.com/windowsvista/ | |
| Release information | |
| Release date: | November 8 2006 info |
| Current version: | 6.0 (Build 6000) (Build 600) (6) (January 30 2007) info |
| Source model: | Shared source |
| License: | None. You can trust Microsoft to manage your rights for you, dear customer. |
| Kernel type: | That one that sells KFC |
| Support status | |
| Available from Microsoft at really affordable prices. | |
| Further reading | |
- This article is about Windows Vista, the operating system. You may be looking for the filthy lies that the luddites and nerds spread, envious of Microsoft's efforts to define the digital future. But we're sure that you don't.
“We put the "ow" in the "wow" starting now.”
~ Microsoft on Windows Vista
“At least I don't have to press the "START" Button to SHUT MY COMPUTER DOWN any more. That didn't make any sense.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Vista
“You do know that this is still called the "START" button, right?”
~ Me on Oscar Wilde's quote
“Ok, now you just stupidified that joke. On the next edit your quote will be reverted, noob.”
“Dear aunt,let's set so double the killer delete select all”
~ Vista speech recognition on someone trying to write a letter to his mom with it (true story) (it was a demonstration)
Windows Vista is a state-of-art, next-generation operating system developed by Microsoft Corporation, the leading and, somewhat, only supplier of operating systems for the PC. This release, which took Microsoft five years of hard work to develop, encompasses all the original research that Microsoft's brainstorming department has done over the years, resulting in a system that takes information management to a new level — a system that can manage the user's information better than the user itself.
Features
Windows Genuine License Affirmation
Windows Genuine Internet Experience
The Internet is a vastly different place than the ol' copper tubes of years past. Everywhere around you, freedom traps you within its confines and won't let go. Until now. Internet Explorer, the free (as in price) browser provides pseudorandom button layout and chunky tabs to make every browsing session a new learning experience. The user is free to not customize all aspects of its configuration, and this choice makes all the difference.
Web "standards" are restrictive and stifle innovation. Microsoft's goal is to make the web a better place by introducing proprietary technologies that are not open, and therefore are inherently secure. For example, ActiveX allows end-to-end solutions to be built for remote access to a user's computer.
Leveling the playing field, so to speak, conflicts with Microsoft's promise to provide consumers with only the very best software. Internet Explorer 7's "Tryagain" layout engine works dynamically in real-time to modify and enhance rendering on-the-fly, utilising Quirky Freestylin'™ mode, with excitingly varying results.
Premium add-ons exist for users who wish to improve their genuine browsing experience beyond the already innovative features of Internet Explorer 7. IE7Pro eliminates the need for secondary browsers by adding unique features such as ad-blocking, a customizable search bar, and the Windows Genuine Inline Searchbar.
Windows Genuine Operating System Protection
Everyday, customers are threatened by Linux, a viral operating system that can prevent Microsoft from giving the user more innovations with each new Windows release. It also compromises software developers' digital rights on any Windows computer running a "dual boot", thereby making the user's computer less secure. Until now. When Windows detects Linux, it will automatically reformat your hard drive to protect you. If Windows Vista was installed before Linux, Windows Operating System Protection will start the reformat at the beginning of your hard drive to ensure that Linux is safely removed.
Windows Enhanced Security Configuration
Following the celebrated tradition of Microsoft innovation, third-party code has been used under license from the Union Aerospace Corporation, a relatively small industrial company based on Mars and its two moons. Through an exclusive defense contract, Microsoft has access to the entire portfolio of technologies in the corporation's possession. Microsoft leverages these technologies to the fullest extent to raise hell for its competition.
Windows .NET Development Framework
Developers have struggled to find ways to increase dependency on additional runtime libraries and frameworks. Until now. Combining the .NET Framework 1.1 and the .NET Framework 2.0, the .NET Framework 3.0 is less than the sum of its parts. In particular, the Windows Presentation foundation has made users look forward to this non-backwards compatible update to download, and will be left feeling right at home.
Windows Aero Interface
While other operating systems have only begun to implement "eye candy", the Premium version of Microsoft's home operating system has integrated an innovative new feature called the Aero interface. This interface allows the user a visual experience never before seen in an OS. Every package also comes with a pair of 3D glasses and a joint of marijuana for better visual experience.
Windows Installation Manager
One of the most criticized parts of previous Windows versions is the long installation time. Microsoft responded by creating a new installation experience for the Premium and Ultimate versions of Windows Vista, shortening installation of these versions to as little as two minutes.
Windows Three-Dimensional Desktop
Windows High-Definition Content Protection
Windows Vista has decided that you and your computer system do not deserve to view this section.
Minimum Requirements
- TOP-500-level multicore Supercomputer with a CPU clock of at least 500 Ghz (Recommended: IBM Roadrunner at 1.026 PetaFLOPS)
- 1,048,576 GB of RAM
- A video Graphics Adapter from outer space, or from the distant future (Star Wars galaxy would NOT do)
- 50 GB of free hard disk space before the installation and 50 Tb after
- Industry-grade continental-level backbone internet connection. (Recommended: OC-768 / STM-256x).
- Any keyboard and mouse. Unlike Windows XP, Vista supports even the oldest keyboards and mice interfaces. This is a huge progress from its precessor and took Microsoft 5 full years (from 2001 to 2006 inclusively) to be tested and functional.
It is recommended to have a better computer that the one listed above. If you do not own such a computer, please do not bother buying Vista unless you like that wicked four-colored flag drawn by Billy himself (he used Photoshop). Yay, cool flags!
Criticism
None.
No seriously, what negative things do customers say?
Microsoft does not consider the people who do not respect copyrights its customers. The occasional criticism of the Windows Content Protection system on the grounds that it "disrespects users" has no merit; this feature is designed to help users, not disrespect them, by guiding them within the limits of copyright law and teaching them to distinguish right from wrong.
Windows Vista's alleged problems with hardware are non-existent; the worst a customer can experience are problems with drivers, mostly caused by the potentially viral drivers disabled by the Vista security system. Potentially viral drivers, especially those with publicly available source code, can damage the Vista kernel, undermining the system's security dramatically. We recommend you not to use hardware for which no Microsoft-approved drivers exist.
Similarities to that other OS
According to Darwin's Third Law of Evolution, convergent evolution is the process by which different things change to look the same, even though on the inside, they are entirely different. For example, a naturally thin woman is not the same as a fat chick that has had liposuction.
During Vista's long development period, its innovative physical appearance has changed dramatically. While this was partly due to adaptation, many of the observed changes totally random and give a fresh, new, innovative overlay to the old Windows XP operating system.
Promotion and Marketing
Microsoft have tried really hard to persuade people to buy Windows Vista. This includes using the method of "Buy Ultimate, get 10 free Premiums" and giving out free PCs if you buy 5 of their Ultimates.
However, there is one method that is much more efficient than all the others: making their own airline. During flight, every passenger would have a high performance machine with Windows Vista operating system in every seat. They offer Halo 2 for Vista, Gears of War for Vista, Shadowrun for Vista, and Crackdown for Vista. They also have sports entertainment inside lavatories. Obviously, every computer has a T1 internet connection. While users passengers have full entertainment and connection, pilots also uses Vistarized instruments and gauges for flight.
Comparison of Windows Vista and Mandriva Linux
| Windows Vista | Mandriva Linux | Comments | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Installation size | 10 GB | 4 GB | A small installation size implies not nearly enough pictures. |
| File system | Normal file system (C:\, D:\. etc.) | Strange file system. You don't want to learn anything new. | |
| Office package | Microsoft Office Extra Ribbon Bar Edition | Real men use Emacs | Do you want to be a businessman or a scruffy hacker like RMS? |
| Protection | Windows Defender will protect you! | GPL infection by default | With Linux you can share, on Vista your desktop is shared with zer0c00l automatically. |
| Choice of software | Vista runs all your favorite software and viruses, oh wait, you need to wait for the 2009 edition to be compatible with Vista | The OS forces the user to choose the software to be installed from a list | |
| Software quality | Why do you think they don't have a bug tracking system? There are no bugs! Only features. | Every bit of software is written by the incredible hacker Linus Torvalds. Yup, all 121 million lines of code. | One way or another your computer will crash like the US stock/financial market. |
| Drivers | You don't know what driver to install? Windows aint helping. | Open Source Drivers that take up 5 KB. | Open Source Drivers are written by evil hackers who put backdoors in their code and use it to control your PC and your mind to brainwash you into Communism. |
External links
External videos
- Vista Ad
- Vista Ad (UK)
- Chris Pirillo: "Windows Vista Rocks!"
- Introducing Windows Vista:
- Episode 1: First of a Kind Features
- Episode 2: A Revolution in Information Access
- Episode 3: Photos are Memories
- Microsoft did not steal ideas from Mac OS X, by David Pogue of the New York Times
