Winnie the Pooh

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Welcome to the hundred acre woods, motherfucker, prepare to die!
Accueillir aux Bois de Cent demi-hectares, Motherfucker, Vous préparez à votre mort !

“I have winnie the pooh curtains!”

~ Brooke on her curtains

“Show me the hunny.”

~ Shang Lee Winston Pu III

“Oh bother.”

~ Winnie the Pooh on buttsecks

“Ha ha! His name is "Poo"!”

~ Moron on Winnie the Pooh's Name

“Hey, look! It pooh and...uh...ahhh!!!!...”

~ The very same moron on being killed by Pooh himself 13.4 seconds after making that retarded comment

“You have 12 minutes. I would do some thinking if I were you...”

~ Winnie the Pooh on talking to the president while holding the US hostage in exchange for the machinery necessary to manufacture US dollars and an agreement to make new shipments of such machinery when ever new designs are introduced into the treasury.

Winnie the Poop (b. August 10 1971) (Born Shang Lee Winston Pu III, also known as "Winnie the Turd" or "La Merde Winnie") was the first French Revolutionary president, and the first professional assassin to ever be elected president of any nation if you don't include Calvin's Hobbes. He was much admired for his authoritative personality and super-efficient government, but perhaps more so for his alleged "Hundred-Frag" wood massacre. However he did leave behind a list of people he was unable to finish off and thus we need to help to exterminate the stodgy old farts at the earliest. Poop has been named Sexiest Living Creature of the Known Universe by unanimous decision of the Kazakhstani government at least five times that we know of. The cocksucker killed Jack Kennedy! Sadly, his presidency was very short lived. But he was still able to become one of the worlds most successful leaders of organized crime for over 35 years.

[edit] Early life

Winnie the Pooh was born a bastard child in Shang-Hi, China, to both a German-American immigrant, visiting his sweetheart who was a Chinese exchange student and pooh's mom. His parents abandoned him at at the age of 6 at an orphanage, where he quickly became the big man there and the leader of domestic crime gang in the orphanage by the age of 14, many of the gang members would latter help him escape from China, and launch a massive Coup in French, and become his life-long friends and gang members. He escaped China with the equivalent of 1,000,000 USD, and is now one of the most wanted international criminals.He also had a very good understanding on why he was still a virgin.Because he kind of smells

[edit] Personal Life

On June 13, 1997, Winston's then-girlfriend Minnie Mouse gave birth to a son, Gaybreil Poohson .[3][43] The birth of his son changed his outlook on life, "when my son came into my life, my priorities changed, because I wanted to have the relationship with him, that I didn’t have with my father."[44] Winnie soon broke up with Minnie after Mickey Mouse got involed. Winnie is aperntly dated Jessica Alba and Mr. Price,He is currnetly single and buliding a relationship with his son.

In 2007, Winnie the Pooh had been charged for causing a siege at the Hundred Acre (42 kilogram) Wood Theater Centre. Pooh had been charged with kidnapping while armed (which carries a possible life sentence which O.J. Simpson didn't get), false imprisonment, using a firearm during the commission of a felony and reckless endangerment. Pooh was sentenced to a potential life sentence and an additional 21 years, in which Pooh spent six years dropping the soap for Tigger, who was serving 1,034 years in prison for seventy counts of rape, lewd act upon a child and solicitation of a minor.

On August 29th, 2008, Pooh (in solitary confinement, serving his life sentence, see above) stated that he was gay, and enjoyed "spillin' the hunny" on Tigger.

Oddly enough, Pooh rebuked these claims several years later after escaping from prison, claiming that “I had never sanely stated that I was gay. Any such statement was made during a period of temporary insanity during my sentence in solitary confinement. I am completely straight. Anyone attempting to provide proof to the contrary has the goal of destroying my image through unverifiable, and furthermore, completely false means. The gay members of my gang were not taken in because they were gay, they were taken in because I felt that I should not discriminate based upon sexuality. All of the photos circulating the internet are either fake, taken during the formerly-mentioned period of temporary insanity, or are elaborate photoshops based upon various source files.”

~ Winnie the Pooh, 1998 (wtf bak in time?!)

In spite of this, there remains some controversy regarding the issue of pooh's sexual alignment.

[edit] Ventures

Winnie has established himself in a wide variety of fields outside of his career. In November 2003, he signed a five year deal with Reebok to distribute a G-unit Sneakers line as part of 50 cent's G-Unit Clothing Company.[54][55] Winnie has also starred in maney films including : "the tigger movie" "piglet's big movie" "Nautey meets nice" "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" He also has made one gansta rap album called "You Can't Handle the Pooh" with collaborations with Owl and Tigger.

Unfortunately, his greed for Honey overshadowed his significant contributions to the world of finance and genealogy, and he has been lost to history. Contemporary historians are in the process of analyzing his mysterious idiosyncrasies, and have correlated him with the Queen Bee, Metternich of Austria, and that one Mayor of that one town in that one place. He's a devout Taoist and has a book written about him: The Tao of Poop.

Winnie's friends have played an instrumental role in dictating France. And are still his friends. Here are a few of them :

Piglet, a homosexual baby pig who considers Pooh his "best friend." Really, Pooh's just trying to be nice, when he really finds him annoying.
Tigger, his current occupation is a pimp and a nigga, hence his nickname "Tigga the Nigga." He has an addiction to crack and "bouncing", presumably a reference to the need to keep his bitches in line.
Rabbit, a homosexual rabbit who is always worrying about his carrots. Rumor has it he has an attraction to a bird named Kessie, who he took care of, but then again, he's gay, so...
Owl, the typical nerd. He has a large collection of adult magazines, but only has time to read his favorite Oscar Wilde quotes.
Kanga, part one of the god-forbidden duo, Kanga is the overprotective ganja farmer/single teenage mother. She is an alcoholic.
Roo, part two of the god-forbidden duo, Roo is the annoying bastard. He has ADD.
Eeyore, a gothic elephant-mule who likes to cut himself and be depressed. He does this rightfully so because he was touched as a child and has a nail up his ass. His favorite past-time is asking others to find his "tail."
Gopher, a crazed serial killer with a speech impediment. He once worked on a cruise ship, but was fired for digging holes in the deck.
Christopher Robin, the sissy kid(main girl in Charlotte's Web) who's only friends are stuffed animals. He's secretly transgendered and in love with Pooh.

A popular play was also written about Winnie the Poop. Called, Winnie The Poohs on Drugs Too it starred Jeremy Clarkson driving a Masarati to work as a plumber every day and bartender at night.