Wirral

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The Wirral is an island off the coast of Liverpool which was formed from the decomposed corpses of Welsh sheep slaughtered in the 2001 foot and mouth crisis. It is an ultra-conservative neo-facist monarchy, ruled over by cross-dressing dog-worrier Paul O'Grady (Queen Lily X of the House of Savage).

The population of the island is 98.4% chav, the remaining 1.6% living in the even chavvier region of Heswall on the west of the island. Heswall grants citizenship only to failed Premiership footballers, their ugly wives and staff and is the poorest and slowest-growing nation in the world. The government of Wirral dispute Heswall's claim to independence, but it is nevertheless recognised by the UN, EU, NATO and ADIDAS.

[edit] Local Geography

The three major cities of Wirral are Birkenhead, Wallasey and Thornton Hough. The administative capital and seat of government is Irby, although the Queen's official residence is in Meols. The Wirral is only accessible by a weekly hovercraft service from Llandudno in North Wales. Plans to build a tunnel to Liverpool were shelved in 2003.

Wallasey consists of Liscard, Seacombe and Egremont being the three main areas, none of them being good places.Seacombe is full of chavs, Egremont is the chav-scally things. And Liscard is quite frankly a disgrace of a shopping centre.

The majority of the Wirral is chavs, although you do have your Emo's and Goths etc aswell, sadly most of them are all posers. In general the Wirral is a nice place, there's the unfortunate fact that the grounds are roamed by complete twats- aka: Chavs.

[edit] Tourist Attractions

The heswall skate park is the only chav free zone in the wirral. It is ruled by the bus crewige including:- Mike, Jordan, and Muzza. Tourist attractions in Wirral include the merkin factory in Port Sunlight, the M53 Country Park (otherwise known as Britain's fastest public footpath) and the Rock Ferry Rock Mines, which directly supply Blackpool with all of its Rock. It is a little known fact that God himself has a holiday home on the south coast of Wirral in the town of Bromborough. Near ASDA, to be precise.

Wirralites are often not blessed with perfect diction. Oft compared to the nearby Scousers, these hirsute beasts are often found speaking in tongues. Chief amongst these is the coded slang of acronym. ERYB, WYRTOC, SWIDT, AFAIK are all common. Favourite shows on the clockwork picture-box are HIGNFY, WLIIA?, TTIAO and QoS.

Theological linguists suggest Wirral as a possible origin for all modern language - Bidston Hill being the site of "that bit in the Bible when they (the wizards) tried to build a tower to reach Heaven and God gave them an almighty FU and created Welsh, or something." This assertion is based upon the great diversity in language across the islet where both vowels and consonants can be interchanged at will and still convey accurate meaning and sentiment to the receiver. This however is not true of Heswall, where the residents communicate by manner of morse-coded oral clicking.

People living there are often referred to as Scaffs - being half Scouse and half Taff.

If you want to get "gear" OR drugs Wirral is not your place. There are no drugs whatsoever to be found in Wirral and the insinuation that Resin can be purchased by the Kilo in Seacombe is completely unfounded. From a statistical point of view, you are likely to be outnumbered by rozzers on the Wirral 2:1 except in Seacombe where there are in fact 5 Policemen for every scally in a Berghaus Jacket.

[edit] Education

In Wirral a school or college is hard to come by, in total it is believed that there are four schools for wirral and two colleges. The schools include Neston's school of inbredery prevention(NSOIP), which includes lessons on how to tell the difference between your sister and a lover. Birkenhead's school on how to rob stuff, lad! (or BSOHTRSL!) which has a brilliant yearly turnout of chavs ready for the grand wide world and rob it's hubcaps. There is also the school in Prenton and Tranmere which excel in teaching it's students on how to not lick burny things or play with pointy objects. Any student successful at the aforementioned schools are sent to colledge, whereas, the others are taken round back and put out of their misery. There is another school, Saint anselms college in birkenhead, well known for its fine heroin stash that the christian brothers keep in the chapel, here you will find the babez crew, wanker crew, and part of the heswall skate park crew.( see below.)There are rumours of a sixth school, named Upton, which is owned by the illusive Beck(who is highly involved in the drug empire), Amy(The killer of ducks)and Lucy(the girl who steals shoes for a living), although this has not yet been confirmed by anybody with an IQ higher than 52.

In the two colleges, students are taught on the basics of human survival and life extention, for example lessons may include: how to understand what a stop sign means and why you should never eat mentos and drink diet cola. Unless you want an all body cleansing. After leaving college students are free to attempt to join universities elsewhere around Great Britainland, if any will take them.

[edit] Things that don't live in houses but outside like in trees, innit lad and such

In Wirral you can find a plentiful of creatures to watch and examine, unless your a local, in which case your more likely to torture them. Anywho if you are ever visiting do take time to see the amazing 'Glue Sniffing Badger' found only in Birkenhead park; it is known to be nocturnal, however due to it's glue smelling ways, can be seen at all hours, aimlessly staggering about fields looking for it's next big hit. There is also the 'musical youth singing bird' known to sing as the sun rises on a new day.

Imagine the scene, you've woken up early in your bed thanks to the sound of the glue sniffing badger rooting through your bins. Then there is quiet. Your room begins to aluminate and then "PASS THE DUTCHIE TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE!" vibrates your room as a group of musical youth birds fly above your roof. ahhhhh soothing.

[edit] Bid for Olympic games

Now I know what you're thinking, but hey wirral is home to many sports. For instance the local lifesized subbuteo team, Tranmere f.c., play every sunday for coins from the tens of fans, who come along to whatch their squad take on other teams from around wales (and if their very lucky some english teams come for a kickabout.)

Wirral is also home to a fantasic cricket team, sure they don't have all the equipment, or know all the rules. But, hey, it's cricket and if anyone knows at least, one rule of the game... why not try out today? Your sure to get in with that kind of knowledge...

Plus, the citizen of wirral have, in their own way, cobbled together new sports unheard of in other places. For example, The Yearly Giant Hamster Wheel Race takes places on every may 26th, it features local celebrity, Trent Grant, who has been attending the races now for over 62 years. Sure, some outsiders look upon this as Trent being unable to get out the giant wheel, because if stopped running he may die from the velocity of the wheel; but we locals, see it as Trent's passion. There is also 'The Big fun fun day' at Leasowe castle, were for one night five young girls are locked on the castle grounds overnight and a serial rapist is let loose, whom ever survives at dawn is given freedom. Thanks to CCTV local families can sit down together and have some good old fashioned family fun. Wirral style!

EDIT: Well, it's been two weeks and surprisingly the olympic commity have rejected our offer saying: 'Your bid has been rejected due to the nature of the sports present in your society. The olympic commity feels your games are conflicting with human rights'. Naturally the Wirrealins are shocked and disapointed, The Queen Lilly of Savage stated: 'We didn't know human rights were an issue with the commity and it's decision... oh well, at least the games are going to be held in China, then...'

[edit] Famous People

Wirral is home to many celebrity types and the Wirrealites are very happy to honor their famous with a smile here and a secret midnight blood offering there. Being so famous Wirrealean Celebrities can be seen on your Television box, heard on your radiodematic player and stalked in your glossy magazines. A short brief on the Wirrealean celebrity folk follow:

. Ian Botham: Once a world class crickettering player, nowadays lives up to his nickname 'beefy' in prison, by doing questionable acts with pieces of meat for money.

. That rugby guy with the massive forehead: That guy is famous for once being one of the worlds best rugby players, despite not being welsh at all. Nowadays can be seen on the baffling T.V show Lost or on the sports panel discussion show The Question of Sport discussing hard hitting topics with Sue Barker, whilst Ally McCoist is too busy having a real job with Glasgow Rangers.

. Queen Lily X of the House of Savage: Lily Savage balances ruling Wirral, with travelling to Londonville to film a T.V chat show, where her alter-ego Paul o'Grady attempts to lure Americans to Birkenhead, under the pretence that it is 'a small fishing village'. (Lilly's skills of deception have yet to fail)

.Trent Grant: As seen above, he is famous for attending every Giant hamster wheel race and somtimes be seen around the country, when his wheel comes lose and he is sent on a never ending tour of Britian. When asked about his last tour, he said; 'Please, Kill me' ahahhaaa! what dry humour from Trent, he knows he loves it really.

[edit] Crews

Well, for the heswall skate parrk crew,The heswall skate park is the only place were emo's goth's and mosher's can thrive. The bus comes every Saturday thanks too sam, The bus crewige are the rulers, of the park, skate park, and bus. The crewige varies from week to week but it is normally made up of mike, muzza, jordan, lucy, sofe, taylor,josh and claire. Well, bar the sick Heswall Skate Park Crewage, there are many other including: The Babez Crew - Now this crew, a very stoned crew because of the availability of smack in saint anselms college, consists of Benny Babez, Toffee Babez, Joshii Babez and Remmo Babez. They will often be seen doin heroin round the back by the chapel in st anselms, fresh from the christian brothers private stash. This crew is legendary. They are one tym mate, init son, sick note and all round crack heads. Also, occasionally joshii babez will geg with mikey redman and jordan(see heswall skate park) and move onto other narcotics. Mikey and jordan are quite the cool beans. Well, the wanker crew is also found in SAC. They are twat heads and love doin Mr Lewis one tym up da batty. They include: Tom lacy, utter wanna be mosh head.Jake Conroy, he is the ugly beaver in th world, and has no prospects in life. Plus the fact he has massive fatttttsssssss!!!!! teeth. The people mentioned in the wanker crew, babez crew, and some from heswall skate park crew all go to SAC, and rejoice to smoke weed when they CBA doin maths, but the wanker crew get rejected from the gatherings of the babez crew and heswall skate park crew. Although they want to geg in, they just get nah'd and called harsh meats, bad wools, dirty fudges, and terras. Then the babez crew and heswall skate park crew throw used syringes and spliff ends at them. Its all good.