Wittenberg University
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| Wittenberg University | |
| Great Seal |  Poopy Baby |
| Motto | Having Natty Light, We Pass It On To Others |
| President | Mark Erickson. |
| Government | Drunken Jockocrasy: Baseball Hats Everywhere |
| Mascot | The Tiger |
| Location | Springtucky, Ohio |
| Phantom Pooper | Broet The Poet |
| Undergraduates | 2050 (subtract three every week for alcohol poisoning) |
| Athletics | NCAA Division III, Member of NCAC (Notable Collegiate Athletes of Color) |
Wittenberg University is a small conservative arts college (the evil enemy/big brother of liberal arts colleges ) in the provincial town of Springfield, Ohio. No-one knows exactly when Wittenberg was founded, but folklore attributes its creation to local residents who had completed enough coloring books that they decided to take education seriously (seriously). There are also reports of people from the big city with noisy machines, written language, and teeth who allegedly built Wittenberg in just 6 days. They rested on the 7th day, and called it hangover recovery day.
This prestigious institute is the home of about 2,000 lost souls searching for a direction in life, and the way home from Station One bar after an intense study session with Jack Daniel's.
The mascot of Wittenberg University is the Tiger.
[edit] Secrets
While Wittenberg is certainly a prestigious university, it does hold some rather dark secrets. There are some that are fairly obvious, such as the not-so-secret societies, such as the shifters, wizards, numbers, bells, gnomes and knights! Or the random acts of violence, and the phantom pooper (whose identity, to this day, is still unknown). However, these secrets, while they are not mentioned at orientation, are fairly open to the student body. One could ask a student about any of these, and one would get a truthful answer.
However, there are secrets that are heavily guarded by the school itself. One of these secrets is the secret treasure of Wittenberg. Long ago, back when the school was founded, the founder had acquired some pirate treasure. It could not be spent at that time, though, so it was hidden away for a later generation. It sits, hidden, underneath the road that goes by Meyers hall. Should the school ever need emergency funds, that pirate treasure is available.
Also, there is a second chamber underneath the road that goes by Meyers hall. In that chamber is the school protector: a vampire by the name of Dorian. He will sleep peacefully there until he is needed to defend the school, at which time the president must use his or her blood to wake him up. It is speculated that he was once woken up by a student at the school, but not much information about this is available.
Another secret of the school is the cats. There are several cats that wander around campus. For the most part they are feral, and it is assumed that they were abandoned by students over the years. However, that is not true. The truth is that these cats were formerly students at Wittenberg. When a student fails all of their classes for two semesters in a row, their advisor uses their professor magic to turn them into a cat. These cats are doomed to wander the grounds of Wittenberg endlessly for the rest of their lives. It is also rumored that one cat in particular, an orange and brown tabby cat, is actually the current president. It is said that along with the office and mansion, the president is given a staff of yew in which s/he uses to turn him or herself into the orange and brown tabby. From there, the president can wander the grounds and find errant students.
Finally, there is the secret of the graveyard. On a night where the full moon falls on the winter solstice, the dead will awaken from their eternal slumber to tear apart the city of Springfield. Only the student who bears the skull-shaped birthmark will be able to control the dead and send them back to their graves. This day will be known as “The day of darkness”.
[edit] Famous Alumni
While all graduates who leave the "Wittenberg Bubble" for life in the real world take with them the knowledge of many things, like philosophy, math, and how to make a bong out of household goods, a few alumni are better than others...A LOT BETTER.
Some notable alumni are:
-Etch-a-sketch creator Billy Bob Jones III -Assistant Editor of the Potato Chip Monthly Digest Mary Joe Jones -Livestock Fashion Designer/Entrepreneur Steve Jones -Comedian Michael Jay Fox Jones -Herpes
In memory of Baird Tipson
