World of Whorecraft
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“I can't get enough of this shit!”
~ Oscar Wilde on World of Whorecraft
“i love pimpins out my rides the ladies likea hoppy hoppy”
~ Mr.t on World of Whorecraft
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World of Whorecraft (sometimes referred to as World of Warcraft by prudes and 13 year olds that can't spell) is an MMORPG based on the highly successful Whorecraft series of games produced by Blizzard Pornographic Entertainment, lead by the worldfamous Poof the Homosexual Dragon. World of Whorecraft has single-handedly revolutionized the online-gaming industry by introducing sex into the equation. It was long thought that sex had no place in online-gaming because the Internet is not generally considered a place for sex or pornographic materials. Blizzard, however, ignored conventional wisdom, banking on the idea that the average Internet user wasn't having sex, not because they were uninterested, but because they simply couldn't muster the requisite skills to "get some". Blizzard's long shot turned out to be fantastically accurate and almost every online-gamer has jumped aboard the World of Whorecraft band-wagon in order to supplant their lack of real sex with limitless online sex.
“I'm a level 70 Pimp”
~ Oscar Wilde on Whorecraft
[edit] Character Classes
Unlike many MMORPGs, World of Whorecraft gives you relatively few options for starting character classes, making you buy and work your way up to higher classes. You start as either a High School Boy or a High School Girl and use !sex! and !money! to progress through the class tree.
[edit] Male
As a male character, your goal will be to get as much super sex from as many female characters as possible, while paying as little as you can get away with. Other ways to goals are raping women with tentacles or by your self then killing them.
[edit] Highschool Boys
You will start the game as a pathetic High school Boy and try to find a source of income while trying to score with Highschool Girls and Sluts. If you invest enough of your personal money into the game, you may use the micropayments system to try to convince higher level female characters to give you sex. You can level up to become a John or a Pimp. If you do not succeed, you will become a Porn Potato.
[edit] Porn Potato
Porn Potatos are male characters who have failed to make enough money for Whores. Since Blizzard charges a monthly fee to play World of Whorecraft and they don't want you to stop playing, they have created the Porn Potato class. As a Porn Potato, you are able to sit on your virtual couch in your virtual apartment and watch an endless supply of virtual porn. The virtual porn is produced by male and female Porn Stars in-game. With work, Porn Potatoes can level up to become a Porn Potato chip.
[edit] Toms
If you manage to find a source of in-game income or contribute sufficient out-of-game funds, you will become a Tom. The main role of a Tom is to pay Whores for sex. If you have enough money, you may be able to afford Call Girls. Attaining a high level will allow you to become a Corrupt Cop, also known simply as a cop.
[edit] Pimps
If you are able to score with enough chicks as a High School Boy, you can try to convince them that they should start giving out their services for money and that you can protect them. Once you have accumulated two or more female characters that are paying you for protection, you will be given the option to become a Pimp. As a Pimp, you will spend most of your time convincing your Whores that you love them and that they should never cross you. A successful Pimp will help his Whores level up, allowing for higher profit margins. You will also be trying to save enough money so as to "go legit" and become a Rap Artist.
[edit] Corrupt Cops
As a Corrupt Cop you will be given the power to arrest Pimps and Whores. Your job will be to abuse this power to get money from Pimps and sex from Whores. If you are able to make enough money, it will be possible to become a Politician. Upon attaining the Politician level you will be able to pick and choose your "aides" using public funding, (I.E. Wage whores). Inherent dangers at Politician level include Cops hanging around Public Restrooms, PressCorp members with planted Aides in your Office, and other Politicians with Blackberries. If discovered, offer to resign until a new scandal emerges which occurs frequently, then change your mind.
If all else fails, lie to the Grand Jury. Repetitive use of the definition of transient verb is highly advised.
You arrest guys who are doing it with sluts and whores on public and then fuck the slut or whore infront of them.
[edit] Porn Stars
If you somehow manage to have sex with a female Porn Star you will become a male Porn Star. If you are able to reach this eternally sought-after class, you will be having lots of sex with lots of female Porn Stars and you will be paid for it. Unless you prefer lots of sex with other male porn stars. See: Politician.
Although several other "methods" for becoming a porn star have been discovered, these have all been found to lead to homosexual intercourse, a.k.a. gay sex, ONLY. These methods all require taking advantage of a glitch in the game and are irreversible. If using one of these methods has caused you to become a gay porn star, you're screwed. Just make a new account and stop crying, you pussy. If you have attained Politician level, just pass a hate crimes bill.
[edit] Rap Artists
If you attain the class of Rap Artist, you will be able to get as much sex as you want from most Porn Stars, Divas and Whores. You will also be given the option of having a Trophy Wife and Mistresses. You will have to worry about Pimps and other Rap Artists trying to shoot you. People will also come to the conclusion that the music industry is entirely based on image which is actually a repetitive statement in this category.
[edit] Politicians
If you are able to work the rounds and become a Politician, you will have almost unlimited in-game power. You will likely want to choose to help a female character become a Trophy Wife, for which she will give you sex whenever you want it in exchange for money whenever she wants it. You will also likely help at least one female character attain the level of Mistress, for which she will give you sex whenever you want it in exchange for money and hollow promises of help becoming a Trophy Wife. You will likely have sex with Call Girls and High School Girls as well, which will cost you blackmail money to Corrupt Cops and Pimps. Once you become a politcian you will get a counter showing how much sex you had once the counter is full you get busted and will have to pay off the Corrupt Cops. Currently, the only level 70 politician is a certain "S3xoph0n3_playa". There's no indication of who this might be.
[edit] Rapist
If you have sex with some Sluts and Highschool Girls, but not enough to get a higher class, you can become a rapist. Rapist sneak around at night and rape any females they can find. If you rape enough girls, you can become a Corrupt Cop, or a Politician. If you don't, you can still rape and threaten to kill Rap Artist's trophy wives, and if you're lucky, they will give you enough money to become a Rap Artist. If you're unlucky, you might find your self in trouble with the Rap Artist's "buddies" in the Mafia...
This class shares the same abilities as the Politician class in the categories of Public Taxation, and just screwing everybody.
[edit] Female
As a female character, your goal will be to get as much money as possible while having the least amount of sex with as few male characters as possible. See: Marriage.
[edit] Highschool Girls
You will start the game as an unpopular Highschool Girl and try find a way to have sex and give oral to as many Highschool Boys as possible. If you are able to make enough money quickly, you will be able to get plastic surgery and become a Trophy Wife or Mistress early in the game. Since it is difficult to advance so quickly, you will more likely become a Slut or a Whore depending on who you sleep with. If you perform exceptionally poorly, you may even end up as a Crackwhore. You can still level up by attending a "Talk Show."
[edit] Sluts
If you sleep with too many lower level characters, you will become a Slut. From here you will be able to continue sleeping with anyone that'll sleep with you and try to improve your technique and acquire money. If you are able to find a Pimp, you can become a Whore and if you are able to develop a sufficiently high level of technique, it is possible to become a Porn Star. Practice makes perfect.
[edit] Whores
If you sleep with a Pimp, you may be able to upgrade to the Whore class. As a Whore, your job will be to sleep with whoever your Pimp tells you and try to score the fanciest clientele you can. You will likely end up staying a Whore or making enough money to attract classier clientele and become a Call Girl. A good way to become a Call girl is to get employment as a Politicians "Aide."
[edit] Crackwhores
If you fail to sleep with the right males, you may end up as a Crackwhore. As a Crackwhore, you will spend most of your time having sex with low level male characters in the hopes of scoring your next fix of crack. The Crackwhore class is seen as a dead end since it is very difficult to level up out of the Crackwhore tree. While you may be able to beg a pimp into helping you level up to a Whore, it is probably better to just give up and start over. Your other Option is to cry a lot on Oprah, Maury, or any other day time Talk show. Use a lot of accusations.
[edit] Call Girls
As a Call Girl you will be attracting higher class clientèle and making more money. You may be able to pay off your Pimp and attain independence. If you are unable to attain independence, you will remain a Call-Girl and you might level-down to become a Whore again. If you are able to attain independence, it is possible that a Politician or Rap Artist may help you become a Mistress or Trophy Wife. Since both classes are exceptionally adulterous, you can cash in on some serious dollars. See: Johnny Carson, Eddie Murphy. A downgrade would be Bridget Nelson with her Flavor Flav hookup.
[edit] Porn Stars
As a Porn Star you will have lots and lots of sex with male and female Porn Stars, for which you will be paid. You will be required to maintain a very high-level of technique, as well as being expected to perform some bizarre and possibly unpleasant sexual acts. If you let your technique lapse or refuse to have sex, you will become a Slut. There is also a age limit to this class and things tend to stretch and become loose.
[edit] Mistresses
As a Mistress you will exchange sex with men for money and won't tell his Trophy Wife about it. You will still be allowed to have sex with other girls as long as your benefactor does not find out about it, or required if your benefactor finds out about it. If your benefactor's Trophy Wife cheats on him, or you are very persuasive, you may be able to become a Trophy Bitch. This is rare since you knew the deal when you committed.
[edit] Trophy Wives
As a Trophy Wife, your every need will be provided for by your husband but you will be required to have sex with him whenever he wants. Your sexual needs will not be important to your husband and you will not be allowed to have sex with anyone else; if you do have sex with anyone other than your husband, you will lose half of your money and become a Slut. You will have access to unlimited "Cabana Boys." You can also tell your husband that the dark haired brown eyed child in your home is adopted and not the illegitimate offspring of your migrant gardener.
[edit] Plotlines
Due to the nature of World of Whorecraft, the game world is constantly evolving, revealing new story elements and sub-plots all the time. Some of the major developments are listed below.
[edit] Corrupted Blood Plague
The Corrupted Blood Plague, also known as AIDS, is a devastating STD that was recently introduced into the World of Whorecraft game world. The disease was first discovered by Leeroy Jenkins while exploring the new African lands introduced in the recent patch. Leeroy has staunchly denied accusations that he fucked an NPC monkey, claiming that the NPC he got the disease from was definitely human. Since Leeroy was a high-level Rap Artist, he fucked a number of female characters before realizing he had contracted the games first STD. Tragically, due to the prolific sexual nature of the game, the disease spread rapidly before players started to use condoms and be more careful who they slept with. Leeroy was the first to succumb to the disease's foul wrath and was forced to start a new character.
Many believe that the Corrupted Blood Plague was orchestrated by Blizzard to kill off homosexual characters, which are substantially more likely to contract the disease than heterosexual characters. Another theory suggests that the plague is actually the result of a marketing partnership with the condom manufacturer Trojan, whose label appears on all in-game condoms.
[edit] The Burning Boner
Blizzard recently announced that an expansion for World of Whorecraft is under development. The expansion, entitled The Burning Boner: Flaming Passion for hot sluts opens up whole new areas, skills and character classes to World of Whorecraft. As the expansion is still under development, Blizzard has released very little information but it is clear that the expansion is set primarily in the volcanic islands of the western Pacific and the countries of the eastern Asian sub-continent. Wanting to be clear about the range of possibilities that will be available when the expansion is released, Blizzard has made assurances that there will be opportunities to play everything from cheap Vietnamese whores to regal Geisha. Many have also speculated that "The Burning Boner" may refer to Herpes, which is expected to be introduced in the expansion pack.
[edit] Brothels and Heroes
As tends to occur in MMORPGs, players tend to group together, forming communities. In these communities, well known individuals will rise to legendary status, becoming heroes, if you will. In World of Whorecraft, these legendary individuals have come to be known as Tru Playaz. As also happens in most MMORPGs and any grouping dynamic with the maturity of highschool freshman, cliques will form, picking on each other and claiming their own superiority; whilst most other circles tend to refer to these groups as Brothels, Whorecrafters tend to refer to them as Guilds, Haremz or Crewz.
[edit] Tru Playaz
- Leeroy Jenkins aka chucknorrises mumjmies leg - Although best known for his mad skillz and super-pimped out pad, Leeroy is also known as the individual who may or may not have fucked a monkey and started the Corrupted Blood Plague.
- Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus) - Is the leader, or 'Christ', of the Jesii Crew and is best known for his ultra tricked-out low-rider
- Optimus Prime - Rap Superstar and Mack daddy of Trucks, this guy knows how to fucking roll out.
- Chuck Norris - Bad ass super-pimp, Chuck Norris is the leader of the Delta Force crew and is best known for roundhouse kicking any bitch that steps out of line.
- Bruce Campbell - hes a whore. a wannabee whore.
[edit] Haremz & Crewz
[edit] Haremz
- Fembots - This Harem, which only accepts female Porn Stars is considered by all to contain all the women with the best technique in Whorecraft. Their leader, Elita-1, is the main squeeze of the Autobot Crewz leader, Optimus Prime.
- Priestesses of Lesbos - This Harem is bizarre in that they don't run with any of the Whorecraft Crewz and follow firm policies of no sex with men. It is not clear how these women are able to make money and who they cook for.
[edit] Crewz
- Campbell Inc, - This crew is the single most powerful of them all. They control all the other crews and is lead by a single man. Bruce Fucking Campbell.
- Jesii - Led by Jesus, the Jesii are the worst Chicano Whorecrafters out there, the Jesii ride around in low-riders gunning down anyone that looks at them the wrong way. The Jesii run the largest Angel Dust ring on World of Whorecraft.
- Autobots - These guys are known for having the pimpest fucking rides in World of Whorecraft. Every single vehicle these guys drive has a custom model and high quality skin made by their crack team of 3D Modelers and Photoshoppers.
- The Knights Of Ni! - Frostwhisper - Despite not knowing their asses from their elbows, this crew has managed to survive, becoming one of the oldest crewz still around.
- Monster - This crew is ruled over by co-leaders Godzilla and Marilyn Manson and controls 65% of the prostitution on the East Side of Gotham City.
- Republicans - One of the two major PoliCrewz, the Republicans consist hey entirely of high powered politicians. Their primary methods of operation are extortion and coercion; they will do whatever it takes to get more power and money. They are openly opposed to the Democrats Crew. If pressed, they will tip their hat to religious organizations.
- Democrats - One of the two major PoliCrewz, the Democrats consist entirely of high powered politicians. Their primary methods of operation are extortion and coercion; they will do whatever it takes to get more power and money. They are openly opposed to the Republicans Crew. If pressed, they will tip their hat to social organizations.
- Greens - One of the minor PoliCrewz, the Greens primarily consist of a bunch of Politicians sleeping with new age hippie chicks. The party is largely supported by dirty Porn Potatoes that would like to sleep with the aforementioned hippie chicks.
New Extensions:
- It has been recently updated that Blizzard gaming, creators of Godzilla Grizly Balls, has now released an expansion to World of Whorecraft, which is called " The Crystal Clit". This expansion includes a new playable character, the legendary Ice bitch, which enables the players to pwn & ra7e the n0obs.
[edit] See also
- Sex
- Whores
- Pimps
- Whorecraft
- MMORPG
- Sluts
- Crack Whore
- Gamers
- Warsong gulch
- Wow
- Tauren
- Pimpin'
- Addiction
- Paladin
- Prostitution
- A successful female player pursuing work in the slut class
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