Wohnzimmer
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Zimmerism is the third most pointless religion in the World, following The Religion of the Jedi and Christianity. The main icon of Zimmer is the Holy Wohnzimmer and the Holy book of the Zimmer - also known as the Vokabelheft follows his struggle against the almighty power of German Teachers let by the Evil Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer (also known as Frau JC-W). The almighty Wohnzimmerinstructs his slaves followers via the link between his advisors and the Wohnzimmer prophet, who has been incarnated on earth to spread His almighty insolence. The religion is not internationally recognises, but still has a following of a grand total of 3 followers.
The Book of the Zimmer
This is boring. The holy book of Zimmerism is the Zimmer, also known as the Vokabelheft. It contains 217 books, known as phases, of which 212 are based on the Holy Wohnzimmers atitude to food and drink. The book is the repository of all knowledge that the Wohnzimmer and his contact on Earth knows, and was dictated to the Wohnzimmer prophet so that his teachings may not be forgotten. As the Wohnzimmer knows so little, the book is only 4 pages long. A copy of the book may be found at all bad bookstores for £29.99 for the basic edition, and £249.99 for the duluxe edition, with added notations from the author for a grand total of 5 pages.
[edit] The Phases of the Zimmer
[edit] The First Phase: The Creation
The Holy Wohnzimmer was created in the middle of a German lesson when Fogi (later known as the Wohnzimmer Prophet) fell asleep entered a trance during a test. In this trance he claims he was visited by the Holy Wohnzimmer who asked him his opinion on Norse Cheeses. The Holy Wohnzimmer also showed Fogi the Light (60 Watts from IKEA - schools can't afford the proper stuff). When he awoke from his trance he found he had missed his test. However Fogi was not bothered as he had seen the Holy Wohnzimmer and was going to accomplish his life ambitions. Fogi started preaching the word(s) of the Wohnzimmer and quickly gained two followers - Jebus and Bernard (soon to be renamed the Apfelstrudel and Kugelscheiber prophets in later phases). These were the first and only disciples. This was also when the Wohnzimmer prayer was dictated and the first sacrifice of a banana was made to the Zimmer (see later article).
[edit] The Second Phase: The Birth of the Kugelschreiber
The Wohnzimmer was not to be alone for long, however, as the very next German lesson the second phase of the Wohnzimmer was entered. The Wohnzimmer Prophet had forgotten about the Fateful German test set by the Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer after his enlightenment. When the results came, the First battle of the War was about to take place. Since the Wohnzimmer Prophet had been sleeping in a trance when the test was on, he gained 0%. The amount of red ink in the crosses gouged onto the paper by the Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer was horrendous. The Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer used the power of her cATAPULT lETTER marker pen of doom to enchant the ancient evil of the ink to rise up and form the evil Kugelschreiber, an evil so horrible that it made that bloke off Pirates of the Caribbean with the dodgy hair look like a pretty pink bunny. Fogi was was made to take a retest, with only the Kugelschreiber to guard and torture him. The Wohnzimmer, displeased that his loyal slave follower was being abused in such a way promptly came down from on high to help Fogi cheat. This didn't make a jolt of difference, as the Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer thought he'd cheated and so gave him a detention. And so the Kugelschreiber was released into the world, capturing Bernard and transforming him into the Kugelschreiber prophet. This was the Kuugelschreiber's first mistake, as Bernard would come to betray him in the final battle.
[edit] The Third Phase: Apfelstrudel
The third phase came rather quickly after the second phase, that lunchtime to be exact when the food from hell the canteen was more repulsive than usual..or maybe it was the same...either way it was hardly edible. The Wohnzimmer and Kugelschreiber prophets were sitting with their disciple Jebus, eating...or trying to keep down some Apple strudle. The Wohnzimmer prophet entered another trance and fell, feet first into Jebus's portion of muck, enchanting it. It rose out of the bowl and jumped into Jebus's nose killing him instantly. The Wohnzimmer prophet saw this as a sign and asked for help from the Wohnzimmer. Wohnzimmer was too lazy to talk so transformed Jebus's dead body into the Apfelstrudel Prophet, giving him new life.
[edit] The Fourth Phase: The Others
Soon to follow in later German Lessons were the creation of other Gods, including:
- Bahnhof
- Kuche
- Strassenbahn
- Wohnwagen
- Wohnmobile
- Himlerhitlershaplanvoman the greatest and most evil of the later Gods.
Of course, being slutty God's they had babies, and as they could not name them all they were given a mix of the parents names, sometimes there were three or more parents involved when there was a legal case over who was the father. These included:
- Strassenhof
- Kugelzimmer
- Kuchenstrassenwohnenbahnhof
- Wohnenstrassenkuchenachtungenspitfirenwagenmapfelmobilenhitlerenliamenwohnhofbahnrobertenhofkuchenwillhelmenwagenmolbilenkuchenzimmer (that was a one off)
- Hitler (only one parent... a miraculous conception? Someone's fibbing.... tut tut tut)
[edit] The Fifth Phase - Two hundred and fifteenth Phase: Wohnzimmer and his obsession with food and drink
These 210 phases haven't got an awful lot of suff in them, mainly the Wohnzimmer's opinions of food. He also added these so as to make the Zimmer appear longer and older than it really was. And thats about it.
[edit] The Two Hundred and Sixteenth Phase: The Battle
The Battle is a metaphorical term for the exam. Three prophets went into the exam room, but only two came out, the final stand off between the Wohnzimmer and the Kugelschreiber had started... Kugelschreiber had equipped his disciple with his ultimate weapon...the cATAPULT lETTER kUGELSCHREIBER oF dOOM with intent that he was going to kill the Wohnzimmer and his prophet. But unknown to Kugelschreiber his prophet was ging to betray him. He wrote so quickly that the weapon blew up, destroying all chances of the Kugelschreiber taking over. Unfortutely the blast also removed Bernards status as a prophet. Meanwhile, the Wohnzimmer prophet had entered another trance and was comparing French and Norse Cheese, completely oblivious to the test and the Apfelstrudel prophet was fantasising about Bahnhof nude. Needless to say, they all failed the exam.
[edit] The Two Hundred and Seventeen Phase: The End
With no prophets in the German class to expand the book, Zimmerism quickly died.
The Wohnzimmer died in a drunken rage and fell into a cheese bowl after his prophet quit German to do Art
The Kugelschreiber prophets remains from the battle were scattered in memory of him in Tenby, and each year, Bernards last stand is remembered and a pen blown up in his honour.
Apfelstrudel tragically choked to death on a piece of Apple after he suffered an allergic reaction, his last words being, 'Cannabalism never was good for you'.
With all three of the Spirits expelled from the host bodies, Fogi, Bernard and Jebus all returned to their normal..ish lives as slightly mad British schoolboys.
[edit] The Religion of Zimmerism
After the demise of the prophets, Fogi, Bernard and Jebus were now devoid of any powers, so were able to worship the Wohnzimmer in pieces peace. The wrote the Zimmer in this passage, with the Wohnzimmer adding his 'Holy' comments as they went along. Once the book was finished, the religion of Zimmerism was complete. The three former prophets re-adopted their names as prophets in order to lead the religion and spread its uselessness. They continue to do it to this day.
[edit] The Sacrifices to the Wohnzimmer
The Wohnzimmer likes food, food and cigarettes (not necesserily in that order). In order to get these, (there aren't many shops near him, and tesco.com doesn't deliver to his house), so he demands his followers to sacrifice food in his honour. These sacrifices (in chronological order) were:
- A Banana
- A Nutri Grain Bar
- A peanut
- A Pinapple
- A snow Globe
- A german teacher
- A Lightbulb
- An Irish Biology Teacher (JG)
- The Irish Biology teacher's banger (B-reg)
- A pumpkin
[edit] Festival Days
January 1st - January 31st: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
February 1st - February 28th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
February 29th: The Day of the Banana
March 1st - March 31st: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
April 1st - April 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
May 1st - May 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
May 31st: The Day of the Apfelstrudel
June 1st - June 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
July 1st - July 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
July 31st: The Day of the Kugelschreiber
August 1st - August 31st: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
September 1st - September 29th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
September 30st: The Day of the Wohnzimmer
October 1st - October 31st: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
November 1st - November 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
December 1st - December 24th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
December 25th: Zimmermas
December 26th - December 30th: Wohnzimmer's Day(s) of Food
December 31st: The Rememberance of Bernard
[edit] Epilogue
The two prophets who carried on with German later met up in later German lessons, with Ingrid Rand, Jasmin, Kathe, Sonja, Lutz, Leisel, Clemens and the dreaded Strassenbahnkugelbahnhofenkuchenwohnwagenzimmer, who now had a part time job as a presenter on Blind Date, who's capabilities stretched far beyond room 12. Sonja was matched with Johhnny boy and many other matches of the Wohnzimmer Gods were made (and broken) by her. She later became to be known as the Strassenhitlerbahnkugelhitlerbahnhofenhitlerkuchenwohnwagenhitlerzimmer and became infamous in her French lessons, scaring the class shitlerless. Leisel and Lutz were also matched in wohnzimmerly matchamony but later committed an honourable wohnzimmerish death, (explained in a later article).
