Woking

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“This is a town”

~ Oscar Wilde on Woking

[edit] Woking

Woking is a commuter town, famous for communism in the 1950s. During this period of depression, many people were depressed. The town grew steadily worse until HG Wells wrote a book about aliens destroying the entire region. For 'writing research' (in order to make the book more accurate), HG Wells decided to promptly bomb the entire town, killing over 6,000,000,000 innocent locals. The town was rebuilt in 1974, much to the amusement of The Queen. Town planning officials spent 3 hours in a meeting to decide on a name for the proposed indoor swimming pool before deciding on "Woking Indoor Swimming Pool". The pool was given a prominent position in the town centre opposite Bejam. Oh, hang on, all that stuff actually happened.

In 1991, Centrepiece shopping and arts centre "The Peacocks" or, more formally, "The Cocks" was designed with a ring road next to it (known as the "Cock Ring") so that car drivers could avoid going into Woking at all.

Ever since the great doughnut loss of 1457, Woking's elderly residents have been found killing local 11 year olds and making their meat into more doughnuts for sale. They sell them under the brand name of Kid-Nuts.

Since then, the town has begun to engage in many local traditions, primarily the application of traffic laws. Woking has 18 car parks, each of which has an individual colour. This allows 'tourist morons' (aka tourons) to locate their cars more easily. Cars left longer than 43 minutes are typically stolen and/or vandalised with spray-on deoderant.

2005's Smash Hit summer blockbuster Devil's Game was filmed in and around the surrounding areas of Woking. Its follow up, 2006's Devil's Game 2 was also filmed in the surrounding areas, and in the ghetto of Goldsworth Park.

The new "lightbox" built in woking is confirmed as the first plane speed camera. It is disguised as an art gallery/museum in the shape of a giant yellow speed camera. So far it has caught about three 747s doing more than 40mph, this is bad as the plane should be doing 90 or something. The lightbox aims to prevent 747s crashing into the surrounding towns of Maybury (or Mayburystan) and the ghetto of Goldsworth park.

[edit] Woking FC

A.k.a. : The Cards (short for 'The Cardiovascular and Physiotherapy biology class of 1905') Woking's football team is currently so turd, that Alex Ferguson has acknowledged their dire status and thrown pizza at them on many occasions. In 2007, Woking FC borrowed Wayne Rooney for a game, but there were no fans present to realise this. Wayne Rooney scored 14 goals in a 15-14 loss for the Cards

[edit] Nightlife

Once a week by tradition, woking's 12-24 year olds go for a night out on the town. Typical drinking haunts include wetherspoons, costcutters and the wall outside McDonald's. This allows the social side of the town to make an appearance, with many young people meeting and greeting one another. Each night invariably leads to the entire town ending up in 'Chavmeleon', where they stay until the sticky floor lets go of their shoes. Whilst in Chavmeleon, it is best to remain looking at your shoes, any other eye direction will immediately indicate that you are asking for a fight. Chavs in woking rape emo's and kill squrriels left over from the communist era.

[edit] Chavs

"Sex. Fuck off now." No, this is only a chav speaking to you. There a quite a few in woking, and the "ABO ASBO" workers have discovered that over the past few years, 645% of the population of Woking have become chavs. It is expected chavs ran this survey anyway, so you too, can be 'Innit' babe. LOL

As for schools, there are none. They all got consumed by Grues. Henceforth the high chav count. Now, as the nicer chavs of Woking would say, PISS OFF!

[edit] emos

The emos are taking over, being their usual pussy selfs. National Emo Bashing Hour (NEBH) comes once every 2 hours in Woking. This consists of baseball bats, 26 of chavs and 17 stoned emos. First the emos go and hide in their bumchums houses and take the weed then 15 mins later the chaves are let out from their estate and go on the hunt. Once a emo is found then he/she will be merrily beaten to a bloody pulp. They will then be disposed of (but nobody will care because nobody loves them stupid wrist slitting fuckups).

There is a never ending supply of emos and scientists predict that if things carry on as they are all emos will be gone by late 2016.

[edit] Commuters

Woking is often used as a dump for whatever rubbish cannot be kept within London. Unfortunately there is a tendency for some innocent people to be thrown out as well. These people label themselves commuters and attempt to escape from the chavy dump every morning and attack London in revenge, only to be chucked out by sunset.

[edit] Famous People

• Nadia from Big Brother often shows her kebab around Woking.
• Paul Weller often eats kebabs whilst 'jamming' in Woking.
• Delia Smith first sat on a cucumber in Woking.
• HG Wells fantasised about blowing the shit out of Woking.
• Lewis Hamilton bought a flat in Woking to keep an eye on the real life Martian in town, as it is believed to be his mother.