Wolf

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“Dunn'ey feel bad lad. I was wrestling wolves since before you were at yer mother's teat”

~ Groundskeeper Willie on wrestling wolves

The Wolf, also known as the Grey Wolf, Gray Wolf, Gey Wolf, Wolfenstein, or occasionally Virginia Woolf is a pack animal known for its beauty, general disdain of adult humans, and big nasty teefies. It loves human children and loves to raise and care for them but it seems to have an irrational hatred of adults and there have been reports of them turning into werewolves and eating them. The wolf is also well known for creating Phil Collins and writing the song 'Against All Odds' which phil proceeded to steal and claim his own before creating the rest of the world.

ROFL

1 Mating habits
2 A typical wolf's den
3 Night Wolves
4 Interaction with man
5 Interaction with woman
6 Wolves on Modern Technology
7 Trivia
- 7.1 Famous wolves

[edit] Mating habits

A wolf on the prowl can be identified by the distinctive wolf whistle, a sound made each time a cute fox walks by. This distinctive mating call is most often heard outside fast food emporiums, where the creatures pause after wolfing down massive quantities of rubbish in order to convince passing vixens what big eyes they have.

Usually only the alpha male wolf mates with foxes. However, since wolves do travel in large packs, sometimes after having a bit too much fermented deer meat the pack will grab a video camera and make a “pack bang” film. More commonly though, the non-alpha male wolves are forced to engage in Rough Gay Wolf Sex.

The female of the wolf species, Virginia Woolf, is particularly deadly. While the uninitiated may ask "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf" in the same tone as one asks "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?", she does have a way with words that has allowed her to outfox many a sly fox. Even among the werewolves of London, she is treated with the utmost respect. Proceed with caution.

[edit] A typical wolf's den

The wolf's den is much like any other den; pictures of cute foxes adorn the walls, Fox News or WOLF-TV blares constantly from the telly, empty cans of Black Wolf Beer are strewn about and a stack of Wolverhampton or Rivière du Loup tourist maps are piled onto the coffee table amidst the newspapers and TV listings.

The alpha male in a wolf den can be readily identified as the one clutching the remote control for the telly and hitting the others with a stick. He will normally avoid venturing from the den out into the kitchen, except to fetch fresh prey or to grab another beer.

Needless to say, wolves are very territorial. They will stop at nothing to defend their habitat from destruction by evil woodsmen who would level their dens in order to build a grandmother's house (or a house made of straw/sticks/bricks). It may not look like much, but it's home.

[edit] Night Wolves

A night wolf as it stalks it's prey.

A night wolf hunts through the night. It hunts for human body parts if it cant find anything else. They cici for help if you fight back causing other members of the pack to attack. The cici'ng can be either fast or slow. If its slow, they want sympathy. If its fast they want food. They will begin to eat your fingers. If you tell the wolf not to bite it will continue. Wolves do not obey their prey, instead they bite harder until the flesh is penetrated and the finger is off. If another person tries to take it off them, they will cici for help. This is really a dinner bell. The other wolves will bite your other fingers too.

A song about night wolves:

Little wolf.

The night is long.

The day is long.

Wolves hunt all night.

You will hunt all day.

Into the wolfland.

[edit] Interaction with man

Wolf conservationists will tell you that wolves are really misunderstood and never attack humans. Of course, it is only the surviving conservationists who say so. Wolf conversationists have been known to also be conservationists, but not vice versa. Wolf sympathizers are strictly anti-wolf.

Despite the distinctive sheep logo, the Dodge Scapegoat has little meat on it, wolves protest.

In actual fact, wolves show a general revulsion towards mankind and attempt to eat them whenever possible. As wolves are related to dogs (they share an uncle, named Harry), they are also known to express an interest in killing you savagely and then stealing your face (much like what the US Military and/or the Grateful Dead does).

Despite this loathing of mankind, wolves are often known to have a fetish for "adopting" human babies, dressing them in little red riding hoods and raising them as their own. The most famous of these children were Romulus and Remus (not to be confused with the much more feared Ream-Ass), the founders of Rome. Known as the "Wolf-Den Duo," they were raised by a she-wolf. Children such as these have little behavioral traits in common with humans, and mostly like to do wolf activities such as Kitten huffing, killing deer, killing rabbits, creating big stadiums for the killing of things, and pretty much killing things in general.

Wolf conservationists have tried to explain this phenomenon as proof that wolves don’t actually hate humans. However - who ever talks to wolf conservationists? Some suggest that it is part of a wolf plot to slowly reduce the human population over time, or to brainwash the children for an eventual return to human society, in order to secretly implant the wolf agenda into man’s politics.

Children raised by wolves are numerous and easy to spot, based on their distinctive table manners. The boy who called WOLF, infamous for the "Call +1-900-123-WOLF Only $50/minute!" spam of the 1990's, was only one of many children raised and brainwashed by wolves, something to which he sheepishly confessed only after it was much too late.

For more information on wolves and their interaction with humans, coat yourself in gravy and go walk about in Yellowstone National Park. Or coat yourself in cheese souflée and wander about Wolfe Island.

[edit] Interaction with woman

The history of the wolf's interaction with the human female has been an unpleasant one, largely due to the efforts of groups like Surviving Grandmas Against Big Bad Wolves. While the motives of this group of raging grannies have been widely disputed, wolf conservationists insist that their agenda involves sentencing wolves to the same fate that has met the mink and the fox - namely being forced to spend life as a fur coat for a mean old rich lady.

Wolf-controlled broadcast outlets such as Oswego, New York's WOLF-FM and Hazelton, Pennsylvania's WOLF-TV have denounced the humans and their evil plans, so far without success despite their being joined in this effort by FOX News. Despite intensive lobbying, law-enforcement organisations such as the Three Little Pigs continue to turn a blind eye to the wolves' plight.

The notorious Grandma Dynamite of cartoon fame has found her way into many a bedtime story and into many nightmares of cute wolf cubs everywhere, alongside the tale of the wolf that cried « boy! ».

“Ya hear him howlin around your kitchen door, ya better not let him in. Little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London again.”

~ Warren Zevon on the werewolves of London

[edit] Wolves on Modern Technology

Wolves love to talk to their w00f-homies on Instant Messenger. Their favorite client is MSN Messenger.

Wolf researchers have used GPS collars to track wolf movement. Wolves usually find these collars rather boring. The new tracking collars use GSM cell phone network, and wolves liked them a lot more. Too bad wolves have gigantic paws and the cell phones have so small buttons! Thus, ordering pizza is still pretty difficult. But they're working on it.

[edit] Trivia

The bomb filled with knives is the favoured weapon of the coyote, a key rival in the wild.

The Arctic Timber Wolf is the only wolf to routinely carry a chainsaw and fell trees; this activity places it in competition with the Canadian beaver, Castor canadensis.

The wolf's principal competitor is the coyote, Canis latrans. While physically smaller than the wolf, the coyote is a formidable rival, as he is not only wily, but armed with TNT and various devices purchased from ACME and Microsoft.

A wolf, by the designation Bad, appeared in a recent series of Doctor Who. The wolf was not actually as much bad as it was simply a moral relativist. The wolf was played by Billie Piper, who is actually a Fox.

During World War I and World War II German U-boats hunted Allied shipping in groups known as "Wolfpacks". This is in reference to the common wolf behavior of hunting in packs, using U-boats.

In the early 60's, Hanna-Barbera went to Quebec and asked Loopy de Loop to become an ambassador for the Quebecians...or whatever they're called, but since he was a wolf, he was shunned.

After the events of The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Link decided to stay as a Wolf, Start a pack of his own, did it with epona and eventaully got shot by Malo