Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
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“I could do better than that, but I just don't feel like it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the music of W.A. Mozart
“Sorry, you'll have to repeat that - I'm deaf.”
~ Mozart on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Pronounced Wolverine Deus Ex Machina Poptart) (29th February 1756 - 28th February 1771) was a prolific composer of muzak. He composed 163,034 pieces in his short life time, all of which can be heard in elevators and shopping malls worldwide. His most recognisable pieces include Electric Organ Concerto No. 29,402 in C minor and Sonata for Tin Whistle No. 5,309 in A. His muzak influenced many other artists including Britney Spears, Stevie Wonder, The Prodigy and Amy Winehouse.
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[edit] Biography
[edit] Early Life
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born as Darren Bowles to Camilla Parker Bowles, a high class prostitute in Vienna, Cake. From an early age he began to show much in interest in muzak - he would often hum original compositions at an incredible volume to try and block out the sounds of sex from his mother's bedroom. Insulted at her child's terrible behaviour, she blackmailed an aristocratic client, Leopald Mozart, into adopting him at the age of two. It was at his new home that he was able to flourish - by the age of four he had already composed 4,932 pieces on the family's piano.
Impressed by the young bastard's potentially lucrative talents, Leopald Mozart tried his best to cover up the child's past and had his name changed to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. He enrolled young Wolfgang in the not particularly famous Viennese Institute of Elevator Muzak, where tutors remarked that he was had "prodigious talents in composing instantly forgettable sounds". By the age of six he had already composed 63,039 pieces, and began to make a name for himself through performing in Vienna's exclusive hotels and restaurants. At the age of seven Mozart reached infamy after an aristocrat drowned in his soup during a performance of Piano Sonata No. 59,392 in D minor.
[edit] Early Death
By the age of 13 Mozart had already composed 143,392 pieces in a variety of styles, including 25,392 symphonies and 16,221 operas. Despite the energy he dedicated to composing though, his health was rapidly dwindling - he was already deaf, blind, paralysed and suffering from syphilis and leprosy. He died at the age of 15 in a hunting incident involving Dick Cheney.
His funeral was well attended - 13 admirers turned up, although four of them actually came to steal the coffin and the flowers. The priest noted that: "The organist attempted to play one of his sonatas, but fell asleep after four minutes through sheer tedium".
[edit] Myths and controversies
[edit] "Myths and controversies" Rebuttal
AS IF! Mozart consistently wrote fucking cheesy "Look at me, I'm happy!" immature, superfluous crap. His operas were fucking lame and all deserve immediate huffing. Haydn, on the other hand, was a real man not some total puss, and wrote elegant and brilliant symphonies that truly display a novelty of character and feeling.
[edit] Rebuttal of "'Myths and Controversies' Rebuttal"
OMG nuh uh! I'll tell your MOM you said that nonsense and she'll ground you FOR A WEEK.
[edit] Rebuttal of Rebuttal of "'Myths and Controversies' Rebuttal"
Hey dude, mozart IS lame, manneristic and annoying, I'm telling you! I'LL GROUND YOUR MUM!
[edit] Rebuttal to Rebuttal of Rebuttal of "'Myths and Controversies' Rebuttal"
Nuh uh! My mom can beat up you AND your mom! [muffled sobbing]
[edit] Return to Rebuttal of Rebuttal of "'Myths and Controversies' Rebuttal"
Both of them suck so bad it gives me a fucking headache. I come from Salzburg and Mozart said, like, "Fuck Salzburg, man!" - and when I first heard this I was like, wow, he did? And I agreed with him and that's all I have to say for christs fucking glued-together-by-fresh-snot-loving sake! Amen, man!
Rebuttal to end all rebuttals
You're all wrong. Everyone in Vienna at the time knew he was wasting his athletic talent on music when he could have been the greatest billiards player the world had ever known.
At least none of mozart's symphonies were based on and named for one big surprising bang instead of on musical quality.
[edit] Conclusion
In conclusion, Mozart was a composer who allegedly wrote music.
[edit] Discography
- My Dog Has Fleas (1776)
- The Marriage of Figaro (1786)
[edit] See also
- Amadeus
- John Cage
- King Crimson
- Mozart's arse/ass (Wikipedia)
 Ad hominem parody of excessive enthusiasm on this subjectThis article is funny because it uses hyperbole to viciously mock pervasive and overzealous snobbery about its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is likely that you are woefully ignorant about this subject or are one of these snobs yourself. Otherwise you would be laughing now at the expense of this sort of person. If you do not find the article funny, then earn the relevant obscure university degree, get to know one of these snobby people and/or stop being a snob. |
| Decomposed Australian Composers |
| Anton Bruckner | Joseph Haydn | Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart | Arnold Schoenberg | Franz Schubert |
and dont forget to wash your face!
