Wolfgang Bauman
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Wolfgang Guillermo Bauman (often known as Brother of White Fiji God of Rugby, Science, Genitalia, and Jesus), was born on September 24, 1902, in San Diego, Californica, and is a prolific catcher of fine sea creatures and official drug experimenter (reformed). He was born to a Mexican cook from Oaxaca and a German condom-engineer from Frankfurter--neither of which ever learned to speak anything other than Pig Latin. He is most famous for his involvement in the Eel-in-the-Sewer-Ditch Incident, in which he assisted a deranged acquaintance in stringing a decapitated dildo fish from the bedstead of his prison roommate. This was in fact the last dildo fish in existence, and the event caused widespread outrage from the environmental community and porn industry. Wolfgang, who is the larvae of the flatworm and can be seen driving a forklift in is native habitat of kelp, primarily survives on a diet of pubic hair and toenail clippings. He was once a member of Led Zeppelin and has fourteen nipples on his left thigh. This trait prompted famous gynecologist, Derek Daggler, to scream: "Look! There's a whole mess of kittens sucking on Wolfgang Bauman's nipple-thigh!" at the 1463 Golden Globes on the islands of Wallace & Futuna. Wolfgang is an experienced world traveler, having lived in the African country of I Hate SDAs, where only nine people currently reside. At this time, he was working as a professional piano-player and gamete donor.
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[edit] Early Years
Flat worms have an incredibly large number of friends, and some of these were very good dancers. Wolfgang was exceptional on the dance floor, having been endowed with extremely flexible vertebrae and a knack for Latin lubricants. His parents met when his father accidentally infected his mother's mons veneris with poison oak when on a picnic in Greece. In his first four years, Wolfgang divided at least ninety-seven times, creating a popular nightclub merely from his own clones. Wolfgang was educated in Escondido, studied Faux Fur Technology and occasionally made beavers (at this time, beavers were rare and the U.S. government was trying to encourage well-meaning citizens to produce large numbers of them in their EZ-Bake Ovens). He was a mute for several years, but acquired language by reading American advertisements.
[edit] Adolescence
This period of the flatworm's life only lasts about three days. Wolfgang spent this time developing an appreciation for mambo, samba, and other types of wild deer. He defecated only once.
[edit] On the Road
He met many strange people and animals and occasionally told them he was going to masturbate for 30 seconds in the bathroom, which had no door and was very humid after showers. Sometimes he fell down the stairs. Once he almost cut off his toe with a machete. One of the invertebrates he met on the road was a man called Ben Matthews, who was prone to wearing his red and extremely feminine panties on his head and covorting with missionaries. They embarked together on a journey to I Hate SDAs, where they were introduced to a wealth of hypocrites. They had several children together, but later sold them to a gypsy.
[edit] After
He was in prison. This is when he decapitated the eel and the panty guy screamed at him and threw Skittles, sorted by color.
[edit] Recently
Currently Wolfgang is the father of a round hedgehog and is finishing is nineteenth year of community college. He is a master of marine science and can tell you how to make a kazoo out of a filefish. He lives with his psychotic dog in an unusually large fishbowl in the fourth quadrant of deep space. God often invites him for tea.
[edit] Quotes
“I have to admit it--I just LOVE pussy. ”
~ Wolfgang G. Bauman
“White Seabass live in my basement.”
~ Wolfgang G. Bauman after a policeman stopped him for a DUI
[edit] Trivia
- He has dated some high profile people, including Christina Aguilera, Fergie, and Justin Timberlake.
- He does not have a true excretory canal, but expels waste through an oral-anal pore called a "Danny".
- Occasionally he exists only in the mind of a very sick, young Italian boy.
