Wolverhampton
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Wolverhampton is a fantasy village in the works of J. R. R. Tolkien. The local residents of Wolverhampton are world famous for improper child care. Rather than raise children in the typical western manner of a family unit, locals send all children at the age of two to be raised by the numerous roaming wolves. This system works in Wolverhampton because, if the original parents were left to look after their young, they would more than likely be eaten in winter. With orange chips and curry sauce.
It is common knowledge the 70% of 15 year old girls in Wolverhampton spend the weekend binge drinking. When the Labour party representitive was asked their opinion on this she replied. "This is an absolute disgrace". "who's looking after the kids".
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[edit] Transport
Although cars are aplently in Wolverhampton, many of its residence prefer to ride on giant rats. Which are also in abundance in the city, this has caused outrage amongst many animal rights campaigners who claim;
"These Wolverhampton-arian-ites are sitting their dirty arses all on our fucking rats! Who knows what kind of infections they carry!!? The poor rats may contract deadly diseases."
Many of the original people of the town get together, secrectly meeting on Dudley street and playing spot the English man. He is a rarity in The town now. Most can be heard to say "we can remember when the town was called some thing else". "F---ing Ours". Gone are the days when you could go to the Wolves club have a few beers buy ten No6 get the bus home and still have enough left fo a bag of chips all for ten bob, and all this without getting stabbed or shot in the meantime. Oh happy days.
This situtation is worsened in summer when all Wolverhampton-arian-ites refuse to wear any clothing whilst riding their rats. "Naked rat riding, whilst wanking" as it's known, has become quite a sport in Wolverhampton attracting many fans of naked men, wanking and large rats respectivley.
Wolverhampton is also well-served by motorways and sewage systems (usually sectioned for rat riders only), being near the M6, M5, M54 and M6 Troll. Like the classic fairytale underneath the bridge leading onto the road, at both ends, lives a troll. Every once and a while the troll will emerge and cause havoc to some unsuspecting drivers. For example the most recent attack, in which two rat riders were seriously harmed, the troll jumped on the said rats face causing him to flip. Despite this, the road avoids Birmingham and so people have been paying to use it ever since it opened. Wolferhrampton gave birth to the lesser spotted glue sniffer, also know as the glueboys. Often seen frequenting Blakenhall or Whitmore Reans or even the beautiful West Park. Glurboys have since moved onto snorting aerosols or their own socks. Be afraid.
Visitors to Wolverhampton should not miss the chance to see the sites on one of the famous 'Mobile disco buses' with accompanying music provided by local youths with mobile phones. The fare for travel on one of these marvelous machines increases every three and a half weeks at five and a half times the rate of inflation. Passengers are freely permitted to swear, consume alcohol and orange chips with curry sauce, smoke, urinate and assault other passengers.
[edit] Personalities
The most famous and probably most successful Wolverhampton man was the now deceased 'Fred' the tramp that lived on a central reservation near to the centre of town, he was widely known as the cleanest Wolverhamptonite.
Before moving to Wolverhampton and being declared a holy man by local Hindu's, he spent his formative years in the Waffen SS killing people. After the end of the second world war he claimed that he got 'a bit carried away' with mass murder, and just wanted to 'chill out, live in a tent, eat out of bins and never wash'. Needless to say, this was behavior that Wolverhamptonites aspired to, and he quickly became a sort of local smelly celebrity, beating off competition from Dave Hill by a mile.
After his death in 2007, Fred's body was made into kebab meat as a suitable tribute to his memory. 'Its what he would have wanted' said one drunken reveler as he vomited pieces of undigested pieces of human tramp flesh and orange chips with curry sauce all over the tits of a morbidly obese mother of five he was trying to get off with.
Infamous jack of all trades murderer, child molester and animal abuser Fred West is alleged to be from Wolverhampton, though he distanced himself from the town as he felt it would give him a bad name. 'I ay from that shitole', said his rotting skeleton in 2007.
There was also a black ranting born again christian type of tosser in the 80's and 90's who managed to offend everyone and subsequently got the shit kicked out of him, and then blamed god.
It is common knowledge that the best road in Wolverhampton is the A41 the reason for this is that it goes to Shropshire where you will find people who smile say hello and most of all keep as far away from Wolverhampton as possible. Wolverhamptonites do try to cross the border but they do not get past the sand bags and barbed wire very often in fact the government should talk to Shropshire council about border security as there are less Wolverhamptonites getting into shropshire than there are illegal immigrants getting through Dover.
[edit] Religion
Wolverhampton is a multifaith society consisting of one and a half religions, the most dominant of which is the Church of Lloydian Sheep Ravishers. The followers of the Lloydian faith worship the munificent David Lloyd George, who came to their fair town and gave his proclamation of "A Land fit for Zeroes" during the prologue to WW2 (known as World War 1). The fanatical zealots of this faith praise LLoyd George by imitating his action - namely the womanising/sheepising of furry farmyard animals.
The other half of the religious make up of Wolverhampton are Atheists who are continnually in denial about their god Athe and so don't count anyway.
[edit] Art and culture
Wolverhampton art gallery famously houses the entire collection (some 80,000) of Andy Warhol's butt plugs.
Street theater is extremely popular, and performance artists come from all over the world to play out challenging conceptual dramas such as punching strangers in the face, being sick in doorways and lying down in the street in a pool of urine. Story tellers also delight passers by with mythical tales of how their car broke down and that they really need to get a pound in order to get home.
'Slade-Fest', a tribute to the Wolverhampton glam rockers Slade is held every single day of the year in the town. Residents are legally obliged to wear ridiculous stick on side burns, glittery clothes and flared trousers to be 'No less than 3ft wide at their base'. This law has caused controversy after being blamed for numerous fatalities in the city, notably a refuse collector whose enormous flared trousers were caught in the machinery of his refuse collection vehicle, resulting in a severe spazz-mangling. Also several smokers accidentally set their polyester clothing alight and burned to death, melting like the Nazi's at the end of Indiana Jones.
I personally really enjoy visiting the all you can eat for £14.95 Chinese restaurant by Beatties and sitting and watching the fat birds stuff their faces. Then about 9.30 p.m. the local homeless get desparate for a bite to eat and burst in to fill their empty Tesco ice cream plastic tub as fast as they can and then leg it before the Tong get them. I sit there thinking fuck me I paid for this and they just nicked it Who's thr fool here.
[edit] Sport
Wolverhampton is a seething hotbed of successful mediocrity in sport. Local kickball team Wolverhampton and Bilston Albion perfected the ubiquitous 'long ball to no-one' tactics in the 1950s. Their tactics were so incisive that they were invited to play against European teams from Europe. With the aid of their 8'8" striker Big Dave, they played and beat to a draw many famous European teams, such as Honved Rovers and Real St Germain. 40 years of thrilling decline has seen the Wolverines, as they are popularly known, continue to tread water. Under the management of Merlin the Magican, the Wolverines are playing elegant football, making full use of their three forwards, the 'trident of profligacy'. Also home to Andy "Rooney" Reeves manager of the Mixers, famously plays in the whole behind the front two and won an award for sending the fastest texts in the west mids.
Who can forget the charamatic Brian Billet from the North bank he could clearly be heard in the South bank booking and showing the yellow card to every opposition player and the ref and linesman before the end of each game.
[edit] Trivia
- Fun was banned in Wolverhampton in 1972 by Enoch Powell. To this day, this law is still in place.
- On Christmas day in Wolverhampton, it is traditional for local children to kill a swan with a house brick. These are then eaten with orange chips and curry sauce.
- Churches in the city fill their fonts with Special Brew instead of the more traditional water favoured in less economically and spirituality depressed parts of the country.
- If a fellow dressed in a grimy tracksuit stops you in the street and asks you for money, do not dismiss him as a tramp as he may well be the mayor begging for change to cover the city's enormous benefit debt.
Football team the Wolves are renound for aiming for low target and then under achieving.
In fact we have had a host of players that we have let go as not good enough such as: Robbie Keane, Joeleon Lescott, Mark Venus, Jason Roberts, Time Flowers, Jamie Smith, Dean Richards. The crowning turd in the water pipe has to be watching Paul Ince leave and then watching him be a run away succes at all clubs he has been to Oh yes and with no money to do it with.
The world record for the 100 metres is said to be around 9.95 seconds but as every one in Heath Town can tell you there is a bloke who lives there who can do it in 8.5 seconds with a DVD player on his shoulder.
