Wooldoor Sockbat
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“Ask me if I have a God complex...I AM GOD!”
~ Wooldoor Sockbat on Wooldoor Sockbat
“In Soviet Russia, Wooldoor sockbats YOU!”
~ Josef Stalin on Wooldoor Sockbat
“INFIDEL!”
~ Osama Bin Laden on Wooldoor Sockbat
“If anybody needs me, I'll be in the Clock Tower...”
~ Wooldoor Sockbat on Life
Wooldoor Sockbat is one of the world's most homosexual cartoon characters, ranking after Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse.
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[edit] Origin
Created during the 1960's, Wooldoor was originally intended to be a cartoon character for a series of adverts by the U.S. Department of Sexual Health, warning young wankers and sheepshaggers about the dangers of AIDS and HIV. Trouble was, he was a wanker himself, and nobody paid any real attention as the condom had not yet been discovered by man.
“I just couldn't help myself! I'd be having a piss against the wall, and my trouser-snake would just wink at me!”
~ Wooldoor Sockbat on Masturbation
[edit] After AIDS
Due to excessive masturbation, Wooldoor ended up catching almost every sexually-transmitted disease on the planet, and went comatose from shock for nearly 20 years. It was only when a herd of Clum Babies cured his diseases that Wooldoor finally recovered, as though the disease had never been caught.
As the U.S. Department of Sexual Health had shut down after the condom made them all redundant, Wooldoor was left jobless, and so began working as a technician for Niggerlodeon. It was here that he met SpongeBob Squarepants, and eventually modelled himself after SpongeBob over time.
[edit] The Wooldoor Sockbat Show
Eventually, Wooldoor was captured by Comedy Central and forced to tell them all of the secrets guarded by Niggerlodeon from the outside world. Wooldoor was tortured and confessed that the channel was just a front for criminal masterminds trying to rot out the brains of their viewers.
This came as a surprise to Central, who had hit upon the very same theme. At the time, they were trying in vain to find something to compete with SpongeBob's god-like status in the Media, and offered Wooldoor his own show to do so, provided that he continues to smuggle secrets out from Niggerlodeon.
The show ran for only one series for reasons that will be explained later on, and had only a handful of episodes. The over-the-top theme, however, is the best remembered thing of the show:
[edit] Theme
The theme song was essentially a complete rip-off of the SpongeBob theme, but as the words were completely changed, there were no real grounds to sue.
Who is a wanker in Iowa?
Wooldoor Sockbat!
He has sex with a lawnmower,
Wooldoor Sockbat!
A raging poof if ever there was,
Wooldoor Sockbat!
His pubic hair is all black fuzz,
Wooldoor Sockbat!
Wooldoor Sockbat!
Wooldoor Sockbat!
Wooldoor Sockbat!
Wooldoor Sockbat!
[edit] Episodes
- Pass and Pissability - Wooldoor meets a squirrel in a diving suit. He turns her down being gay, but ends up having BDSM forced on him
- Aquaman and Aqualad - Wooldoor meets his childhood hero, Aquaman, and tries to convince him to come out of retirement. Aquaman only does so to get a bit of peace.
- Reef Blowjob - Wooldoor pesters his neighbours with a phallic-shaped leaf-blower.
- Aquaman and Aqualad II - Wooldoor has to look after the AquaLair while Aquaman goes on vacation, but accidentally revives Tom Cruise, who has been frozen in a block of ketchup.
- Karate Chopper (Series finale) - BDSM Squirrel is at it again, and Scrooge puts their karate talents to the test at the Scrooge Burger resteraunt.
[edit] Characters
Because the show lasted only five episodes, there were very few characters worth mentioning apart from Wooldoor, but they're going up here anyway to give the article some redeeming value.
- BDSM Squirrel (previously known as Sandy) - As her name suggests, she's a sex-crazed squirrel from Texas with a fixation for leather, due to living on a cattle ranch.
- Aquaman - Worst superhero ever living in town under the identity of Bobby Bumgarden.
- Mr. Scrooge - Owner of a local burger bar and friendly neighbourhood serial killer.
- Sid the Squid - Planned to be Wooldoor's neighbour, but the series was cancelled before he could appear.
[edit] Drawn Together
Because the show wasn't raking in many viewers, Comedy Central cancelled the series and decided to place Wooldoor as a captive on their reality show, Drawn Together, where he would remain out of their way while they bombed the Niggerlodeon studio with WMDs.
“At the time, I thought we were doing a new series, now I see that I was being held prisoner by Mr. Jew Producer!”
~ Wooldoor Sockbat on Drawn Together
Since then, Wooldoor has been trapped in the Drawn Together house, unable to leave the series until he is set free from his contract. He has since gone crazy as a result, but hides it under a front of an eccentric teenager.
[edit] Love Life
It is unclear if Wooldoor actually has one of these. He doesn't appear to be turned on by girls fucking themselves, and on several occasions on Drawn Together, he has been seen humping the microwave. Many believe that on the Romanticometer, Wooldoor falls into the absurdly low rating of: So desperate it's a miracle his balls haven't been removed yet due to lack of use.
[edit] Movie Career
So far, Wooldoor has appeared in only one movie; the 2015 prize turkey Cartoon Movie, alongside Spongebob Squarepants, Daffy Duck and Betty Boop. Wooldoor had only one line in the film due to budget constraints, and so he has never fully commented on the movie other than this article you are currently reading that exists only in your imagination.
It was announced by PBS sometime in 2025 that Wooldoor would be given the lead-role for Cartoon Movie 4, and Wooldoor was due to sign a contract, but the production crew were massacred by the Film Actors Guild in anger over the controversy of Cartoon Movie 3, and Wooldoor never got his starring role.
“It would've been great to get back on the Cartoon Movie bandwagon, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. WHEE!”
~ Wooldoor Sockbat on Cartoon Movie 4
| Drawn Together cast |
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Princess Clara - Wooldoor Sockbat - Foxxy Love - Toot Braunstein - Ling-Ling - Xandir - Spanky Ham - Captain Hero |
