Worf

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Worf: WHERE IS THE SHAVING CREAM?!?!?!?

“I am a Klingon!”

~ Worf on himself

“He's a Klingon!”

~ Oscar wilde on Worf

“What species is that guy?”

~ Captain Oblivious

“Captain, these are Romulans! They are WITHOUT honor!”

~ Worf on Romulans

“Romulans! I always knew they were without honor!”

~ Worf on Romulans

“Klingons, If you're like me then you can have a bigger dick in 3 weeks using "Kling On". Apply directly to your...”

~ Worf on Penis Enlargement

“Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny!”

~ Picard on Worf

The character of Worf (aka Hazelnuthead), played by renowned actor Michael Douglas, is a recurring Klingon character on the television show Star Trek: The Final Generation. Worf's powers include red and blue Eye-Beams; nailing hot female counsellors; nailing hot females in general; and an overall mastery of cooking bell peppers. Worf's culinary skills have saved his crew far too many times to count.

[edit] Overview

Worf: I'm not Worf, I'm just the actor who plays Worf...

Worf (aka Whorf who is named after the famed linguist, Benjamin Whoof) is named after Sir Augustus Worfpenny, the 19th-century poet whose works served as inspiration for the many Star Trek series. Worfpenny's poems include "The Ballad of the Galactic Keel-Haul," "City on the Edge of Yesterday," and "Me Space Booty."

But Worf is a peaceful being looking out for his crew as you can see in this next section, as this excerpt from Episode 4b, Series 7 of the Next Generation illustrates:

- Riker: "A small fluffy kitten has just materialised on the bridge"

- Worf: "Captain, this could be a Romulan ploy. As head of security on the Enterprise, I insist that we club it to death with a tricorder."

Also, there was the episode where he and an ensign were in a turbolift together. The ensign made a small cough which caused Worf to shoot him with his phaser on Level 3 Trillion. The ensign was vaporized in a yoctosecond.

Worf enjoys classical music and claims to have been a close friend of the illustrious ancient Klingon poet and playwright William Shakespeare in his past life. Notably, a large part of Klingon religon is based on reincarnation, as well as peaceful coexistence with animals, plants, and other species in general, alongside theories of senseless and brutal murder. This might explain the playwright's spooky connection with Earth's obscure astrologer, William Shakespeare, suggested in the series to be a reincarnation of the Klingon Shakespeare himself. Worf is known to throw tantrums from time to time and in his later years during an identity crisis of sorts, thoguht he was gay and gota ponytail after famous warrior of Earths past, Steven Segal. Much like Segal, Worf would beat the shit out of his girlfriend, Deanna Troi. Worf is said to leave serious bruise marks during foreplay and gave Troi a black eye during sex one night. Troi went back to her old flame Riker the pussy and Worf continued to mope and write Klingon poetry while listening to Rollins Spoken Word albums translated into Klingon.

As benign as his culture led him to be, poor Worf was born with the athletic composition and icy cool temperament of Angelina Jolie, and was therefore sent to earth to be raised by Mike Ditka. One of the hacks that wrote the show has this to say of Worf's split nature:

Constantly drawn between his peaceful, culinary Klingon background and his need to sporadically roundhouse kick and use his red & blue Eye-Beams, Worf's inner turmoil was like ... a can of whoopass clashing against the metaphorical can opener that longed to open that can of whoopass.

Worf's hidden nature finally broke through in the Season 4 finale of Final Generation in which Worf flips out and kills everyone, including three unborn babies. Some Star Trek fans believe that the ejection of Worf's character from Final Generation was closely connected with Michael Douglas's recent request for a higher salary.

Worf's side-kick and probable mate, Weft has only appeared on one episode of Star Trek, which tragically, was never shown. The pilot of an entire series about Weft has yet to be aired, because the bidding war for the rights to the script left too many people bankrupt. The funding for constructing the planet on which filming will take place has been slurped away by Dubya's fund that war before I leave office drive, in which he has heavily tapped the Hollywood investment banking community.