World Monocle Wearing Championship
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“It wasn't me I tell you ! It was the one-armed man !”
~ Oscar Wilde on being banned from the World Monocle Wearing Championship
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[edit] History
The World Monocle Wearing Championship has had a long and prestigious history, and has been amusing and inspiring spectators for millions of years, since 2005. The tournament is held at totally random intervals and is hosted in any one of the mega-stadiums of the world- to help accommodate the millions of screaming, hysterical fans. Past events have been held in the New Orleans Terror Dome, North Korean National Stadium and Knowsley Road (yes, you heard right. 0 seated; 1,995,880 standing)
[edit] Rules
The tournament can involve anywhere between 16 and 128 combatants, although 32 is the norm. Each competitor is drawn against another, who each then engage in deadly armed combat until one of them is neutralised- all this must be done whilst wearing a monocle, and it is imperative that this monocle is worn with both style and, more importantly, panache. After however many rounds are required to get to there, the final takes place; and this is where our champion will be crowned.
[edit] Past Winners
The World Monocle Wearing Championship- Dick Van Dyke The 2nd Annual Monocle Wearing Championship- The Butler from Lambert & Butler The International Outdoor Monocle Wearing Tournament- Cat With Plate Copa de Monocle de wearing dos Americas- Senor Cat With Plate Чемпионат Monocle Нося- Joseph Stalin The Worldwide Monocle Wearing Heavyweight Champion of the World- Gregor 'Elton John' Strasser The Super World Monocle Wearing Championship of all time Super Cup- Cat with Plate
[edit] Oscar Wilde controversy
Revered by some, Oscar Wilde is no friend of the WMWCIFA (World Monocle Wearing Championship Internation Federation Association) or me for that matter. He is one of the most notorious villains of the World Monocle Wearing Championships, for his expulsion in the very first tournament, for the use of the performance enhancing steroid Monocle-asealone in the semi-final against Cat With Plate. He is also suspected of the attempted sabotage of other tournaments- on one occasion, sabotaging the monocles themselves! He is rumoured to have said of the incident- 'and I would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling Monocle Championship adjudicators!' Cat With Plate, our most dear and beloved, and greatest, champion of all time, had this to say about Oscar Wilde- 'I pity the fool who cheats in a Monocle Wearing Championship'
[edit] Cat With Plate VS. Dick Van Dyke (THE GREATEST FIGHT EVER?)
[edit] ROUND 1
Cat With Plate starts well, with a few fierce left and right hooks. Dick Van Dyke is looking clearly flabbergasted by the dynamism of Cat With Plate, but comes back well, hypnotising Cat With Plate with his illuminous moustache.
[edit] ROUND 2
Cat With Plate; being the wiley and cunning Cat With Plate that he is; has realised that Van Dyke's strength, as well as his acting ability, lies in the moustache. He therefore resolves to shave it off, providing several hours of hilarity, as Van Dyke fights to save the creature that resides below his nose. Cat With Plate succeeds. Van Dyke is significantly weakened without the mystical powers of his famous facial hair.
[edit] ROUND 3
Dick Van Dyke arms himself with a flamethrower, causing Cat With Plate to retreat.
[edit] ROUND 4
Cat With Plate jumps on Van Dyke's head, giving him rabies. Van Dyke screams; 'Arghhh, I've got rabies. God Damn you, Cat With Plate.
[edit] ROUND 5
Faced with the prospect of Cat With Plate winning on a scored resolution, Van Dyke loses heart and collapses. Is this the end? NO! FROM NOWHERE THE MOUSTACHE RETURNS! Cat with Plate is terrified! 'I'm terrified!' he says. Grabbing Van Dykes flamethrower, however, Cat With Plate swiftly incinerates the moustache, and eats it. Cat With Plate is declared the Winner!
